The impact of the COVID-19 pandemic continues to grow. By now, most people are practicing some level of social distancing, or what’s also being referred to as physical distancing, and an increasing number are responding to recommendations or orders to stay at home.
Many schools and businesses are closed. This is an incredibly challenging time, and although the media focuses, almost exclusively, on the medical impact of the virus, the social and emotional impact on families, suddenly forced to abandon their normal lives, is monumental.
Homeschooling Is Hard
On the surface, having no school feels like a vacation for kids — a time for more fun, playing video games and hanging out. However, parents have suddenly been thrust into the position of needing to be fully responsible for making sure kids and teens do the schoolwork they have been assigned, and show up for online classes. In some cases, they end up struggling to teach lessons that aren’t clear, despite teachers doing their very best to educate students in this unprecedented way.
Parents are stressed by the undue pressure to teach, especially when it comes to those subjects they don’t understand themselves. Kids may like the idea of no school, but below the surface, they feel uncomfortable and anxious at the sudden change and lack of contact with teachers and peers.
[READ: Protect Your Family’s Mental Health During the COVID-19 Pandemic.]
Given these challenges, it’s important to keep perspective. Of course, school is important, but so is family harmony and giving everyone time to adjust to the whirlwind of changes that have been thrust upon all of us.
Making some allowances for these added challenges can help. Here’s what I’d suggest:
— Learning online or using worksheets is boring for kids of all ages, making it hard to stay engaged. So parents should set a daily structure for school, but include frequent breaks that infuse fun into the process.
— If both a child and a parent don’t understand a lesson, it might be necessary to just let it go. This isn’t the time to fight. Contact the teacher and ask for help, while recognizing that teachers are equally overwhelmed right now learning how to teach online.
— Keep perspective: Everyone is in the same boat. Your kids will learn some things while missing other lessons. It’s OK. A child won’t be any less successful in life if he or she doesn’t learn one or two lessons.
— This is a great opportunity to connect with friends. Kids and parents can work together on classwork by connecting virtually with peers and supporting one another.
Space Is Scarce
If you are a stay-at-home or part-time working parent who is feeling resentful that your partner has had their entire office shipped home and has now set up shop at the kitchen or dining room table, you are definitely not alone. Many parents have shared that it’s extremely difficult to have to suddenly share their space with a partner who isn’t normally home during the day.
This is particularly true when the working parent must have phone or video meetings, requiring everyone to be quiet. Part of the frustration is that because this situation is no one’s fault, it doesn’t feel OK to share negative feelings. Many parents are left to feel like they just have to deal with difficult changes, and can’t voice concerns.
This battle for space can become even more complicated when two adults (or more, if you include adult children) are now sharing space working from home. Tensions can run very high, but not talking about feelings isn’t the answer. Instead:
— Schedule a conversation with your partner that begins by clearly acknowledging the challenges you’re both facing, rather than starting with an expression of frustration and anger.
— Discuss ways to divide up the space as well as the time to work versus caring for kids. Flexibility and creativity are key, which might mean taking turns working, or doing your jobs in shifts.
— It’s also important to communicate about unavoidable conflicts. For example, if one partner has an important video meeting, it could be a good time for the other parent to spend time with the kids in the back yard or playing a game in a bedroom.
— Communicate with your partner about this new type of work-life balance at least every five days. As everyone settles into the new normal, and as revised work and school responsibilities become clearer, it’s important to continue talking about the best ways to meet everyone’s needs and avoid resentment and frustration.
[READ: Coping With Anxiety and Depression During the Coronavirus Pandemic.]
Teens Are Really Tense
Preteens, teens and young adults may not be handling the social isolation as well as parents would like. Some kids and young adults have told me that they see their friends on social media not exactly isolating. They are angry with their parents for fully enforcing the rules, and some believe their parents are being ridiculous or overreacting.
In addition, they’re mourning the loss of a great many things: graduation, prom, a sports season, a Sweet 16, time with friends, a music recital and the small experiences of daily life. Also, they are terribly worried about the future, particularly about whether their summer camp or program will be canceled.
Kids are complaining and fighting with mom and dad — with no way for anyone to escape. Parents are frustrated that their children don’t get how serious this pandemic is. It’s hard to understand that a child is worried about Friday pizza with friends, when a parent’s job may be in jeopardy or when not practicing physical distancing could put a family member who is immunocompromised, or has a weakened immune system, at risk.
Managing one’s expectations is the key to coping with moody, angry teens in this situation. Parents should expect to be faced with whining and complaints, crying and blame. This is because the brains of kids (and even young adults) are not yet well developed enough to fully understand and manage the crisis at hand. The young brain isn’t good at regulating emotions, long-term planning, and especially, managing risk. The very same brain that causes teens and young adults to engage in risky behavior (e.g. drinking and driving, and unprotected sex) is the one that makes them feel that hanging out with friends during a medical crisis is an acceptable risk.
Despite the choices of peers — and their parents — it’s a parent’s job to encourage choices that are in the best interest of child, family and community health. It’s not realistic to expect that preteens, teens and young adults will naturally make the right decision. And it’s the job of parents to help kids learn to make safe choices and become socially responsible, which is important not just to get through the COVID-19 pandemic, but for all future life decisions.
Developmentally it is normal for preteens and teens to reject the idea of spending all their time with parents. The primary developmental goal of this stage of life is to separate from parents and work towards becoming independent through social bonding with peers.
Being suddenly cut off from peers is part of the reason kids are now angry and sad. This is not the time for restricting social media, texting and video chatting. Kids need to have as much time with their friends as possible (except when they should be doing schoolwork or sleeping).
[See: 10 Things Pediatricians Advise That Parents Ignore — and Really Shouldn’t.]
Encourage your kids to utilize technology to watch TV shows with friends, eat meals together, play video games together online, go on a walk while chatting on the phone and bake while simultaneously video chatting. Have your child come up with as many ways as possible to bond with friends. It might not be possible to allow kids to do what they really want to do. But you can still help them stay connected, at least virtually, with friends, which might just be the next best thing right now.
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