**MEMO**
TO: ALL EXPECTING FATHERS (OR PARTNERS)
FROM: SETH GINSBERG, NEW FATHER
RE: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
She peed on a stick, and the plus sign appeared. And just like that, life was about to change. Until my daughter was born last week, I was sitting right where you are now — in shock, nervous and most importantly, without a clue about what to do next.
You have no doubt already heard the following:
1. Your life will never be the same.
2. It is a type of joy and level of happiness you never knew before.
3. “It’s worth it.”
The nine months leading up to birth are there for a reason. They give her body the time it needs to turn food, water and oxygen into a human being. You’d be wise to take advantage of that time as well, and there’s plenty for you to do.
There is an abundance of good information for pregnant women — what to expect, what is happening physically, psychologically and emotionally, practically minute-by-minute. But for the men (or partners), there isn’t a lot. So borrowing from her “trimesters,” here are some need-to-know pointers.
First Trimester (Months 1 to 3):
1. Be cool, and keep it together. Billions of people have done this before you, and 99.99 percent of them never had access to the Internet. You’ll be fine.
2. Know that this is the time that, statistically, things might not work out. This is why, if possible, you ought not post the photo of the positive pregnancy test on Facebook. Be prepared mentally for the worst-case scenario (it doesn’t “take”), but remain optimistic. Just know that this is the most delicate time.
3. Get all your bad jokes out of the way now while you have the most leniency. They won’t be funny in a few weeks, and with every passing day your partner’s threshold for humor will wane. Don’t forget, she’s making a human.
4. Begin gathering information. Lots of it. Books, videos, advisors (family or friends) and apps. Just pulling some (any) information together is an important first step. Check out the mobile app “Daddy,” which is Australian-based and provides daily and weekly tips, resources, checklists and a contraction timer that will become your best friend down the road.
5. Begin preparing to get healthier. You’ll need your stamina. Lay off the extra alcohol and recreational drugs, and dust off the workout clothes.
Second Trimester (Months 4 to 6):
1. Be cool, and keep it together. Billions of people have done this before you, and 99.99 percent of them never had access to the Internet. You’ll be fine.
2. Get your affairs in order. You’re probably not the best at keeping records and doing “paperwork,” but this will change when someone else — also known as a dependent — is going to count on you. Things like a last will now matter, and not just for who inherits your collection of DVDs.
3. Your partner has no doubt stayed up late at night reading all kinds of blogs and resources. She might be sending you some tidbits she’s uncovering. Read them. But dig into those books you got. They’re useless if you don’t read at least some of them. Do yourself a favor, and read at least one chapter of one book.
4. Time to pay attention to her health. This is important. She is going to change quickly these next few months, and what she eats is crucial. You play a huge role in this, and what you choose to eat inevitably impacts her. There are lots of experts with good opinions about what she should be eating, so do your role in supporting that and cooperate. Cut back on the processed food as much as possible because, well, it’s common sense. Keep healthy snacks on hand so she can satisfy cravings when they arise (and they will).
5. Be sensitive. Give encouragement. She’s making a human, it’s the least you can do.
Third Trimester (Months 7 to 9):
1. Be cool, and keep it together. Billions of people have done this before you, and 99.99 percent of them never had access to the Internet. You’ll be fine.
2. This is the time you need to get really serious about everything above that you put off or procrastinated doing. Time is running out, and it’s best to prepare before the baby arrives, versus afterwards.
3. Do stuff for her. Anything she asks you to do. Wait on her hand-and-foot because, don’t forget, she’s making a human.
4. Go with her to the doctor’s appointments if at all possible. Rearrange as much of your schedule as you need to. Those last few appointments are especially important because they’re the road map for what to expect in the next few weeks. Take notes, because you’re going to get a lot of information from doctors and nurses, and you’ll get home and have forgotten all of it.
5. Take at least one class together about what to do with a newborn and infant. They’ll teach the basics, like changing diapers, but give you tips that wouldn’t occur to you. Like what to put on a baby — and when you do put that undershirt on, how to be extremely careful with those little arms. You may think you’re threading the arm through the shirt sleeve hole, but do it incorrectly, and you just dislocated it. Also, there is a right way and a very wrong way to change a diaper. Learn both and only do one of them.
6. Pack a proper bag for the hospital. The Daddy app will give you a good packing list, and many others are out there. Don’t forget your own change of clothes, and make sure they’re comfortable. Also, it’s a good idea to toss a big box of jellybeans or other goodies in there for the nurse station. Those are the folks you want to please, because they’re invaluable when it’s show time.
7. It’s no longer about you. That time ended on or about the night you conceived. Now it’s all about her, and you should accept (and embrace) that.
It’s baby time. Hospitals exist for a reason. Take advantage of one. There is a growing movement for home births (having a baby in your home, as opposed to in a hospital), and it’s everyone’s right to choose where they’ll have a baby. Again, babies were born long before hospitals were invented. But those who choose a home birth do so at the potential detriment of their baby and the mother. Unless your furnished basement is sterilized and equipped with all of the accouterments needed for proper medical care (and let’s be honest, all that’s probably down there is a Lay-Z-Boy and an old TV), do the responsible thing and make sure you’re under proper medical care in a proper medical facility.
But she’s going into labor. And at this point, you’ll likely be in a full-fledged panic as you enter the maternity floor of the hospital. There you’ll catch glances with other people who have an equally terrified look on their faces, alongside their partners — all women who have the same get-this-thing-out-of-me look on their face. There’s an inevitable bond that occurs, and for the men (partners) it’s terrifying. But not nearly as terrifying as it is for the woman.
Now is when you want to kick your servitude to her into overdrive. Ignore any insults she throws your way — she doesn’t mean them — and keep asking her what you can do to help. Whether it’s rubbing her feet (if she can feel them), putting a cold compress on her head or just sitting alongside her to allay her fears, your job is to support.
Keep breathing. Stay hydrated. Eat food. That headache you have? It’s probably because you haven’t had anything to eat since her first contraction. Get some protein and stay alert — you’re about to be courtside for the greatest exhibition in the world: the miracle of life.
And then, all of a sudden, the baby is born, and you two are on your own, so you’ll need to take it from here.
We’re still figuring out what to do and how to do it, but fortunately, billions of people have done this before us, and 99.99 percent of them never had access to the Internet. We’ll all be fine.
More from U.S. News
In Vitro Fertilization Grows Up
The Best and Worst Exercises for Pregnant Women
How to Cope With Gestational Diabetes
A New Dad’s Advice to Expecting Fathers originally appeared on usnews.com
