In this millennium, we’ve seen an increase in the number of terrorist attacks, which are viewed, in nearly real time, by the entire world. Vivid images unfold on our television screens with information coming in at a record pace. Much of the time, we remain tuned in to such stories for hours to days, horrified and yet unable to turn away. The world watches, including our children. As we struggle to understand the nonsensical nature of terrorist acts, how can we help our children process images and realities that are almost unfathomable to us all?
First, it is important to remember that children do not necessarily process information the same as an adult. Their concerns may take on a different tenor as they try to assimilate the information they are receiving into the context of a world that they understand. It is critical to try to understand how they perceive the situation and how it relates to their life — family, school and friends. It is important that caregivers are cautious not to broadcast their feelings on the situation to kids, as that might cause children to take on additional worries that they might not have otherwise been aware of. It is important to listen closely and offer reassurance, but not to make impossible promises, such as improving world peace. Children trust their parents to follow through, and while the urge may be to say anything to reestablish the innocence that may be lost when one witnesses such tragedy, honesty is the best policy.
Secondly, try to anticipate how a child might translate their fears into their daily lives. Children whose caregivers travel frequently may develop separation anxiety. Nightmares, sleeping difficulties and preoccupation with violence may not be uncommon as children struggle to make sense of the scenario. Older children may display different types of distress over such events, grappling to understand less tangible aspects of tragedy, such as the struggle between good and evil, as well as how different factions around the globe view and respect life. All of these anxieties may be difficult for caregivers to assuage, as they so closely resemble the fears that we as adults are also trying to overcome.
Parenting experts have debated the “right” approach to helping children cope with world tragedies, such as acts of terrorism. While there are no magic answers, the general tenets of parenting are likely the most appropriate approach. Wired-in time should be limited, making sure that there are not hours of exposure to upsetting video or news stories. This may mean turning off the television — even for the adults in the household. Using a calm and reassuring tone to discuss the situation will help your child begin to set the context for interpreting the event. As with nearly everything else, children live what they learn from parents.
The emotional cues children pick up, often subliminally, form a large portion of their frame of reference for processing information. Sharing your feelings about the event in age-appropriate terms can validate kids’ concerns and feelings. It is important to make sure there is time to fully explore the emotions evoked by these events. Starting a conversation as you are running out the door to school or soccer practice may not allow for full discussion and reassurance. Time of day for these discussions and for watching coverage is also important. Make sure there is opportunity for decompression, relaxation and distraction prior to bedtime. Fred Rogers, one of the great champions of children, had excellent advice for helping kids cope with tragedy, which remains relevant today:
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone. In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.”
Reassurance should be age appropriate. Even fairly young children are aware of the president and government of their nation. We should remind them that the adults in the world, including parents, teachers and even the president are doing everything in their power to make the world as safe as possible. If a family has a faith-based foundation, there may be questions on how to reconcile this behavior with a strongly held set of religious tenets. These may be abstract and without answer, but the ability to voice the dissonance between belief and experience should be allowed. Older children may have other difficult questions over the basis of conflict that leads to such acts. Again, allowing free-flowing discussion for this age group is necessary to avoid development of deep-seated fear and anger that may occur in the aftermath.
As with every other difficult situation one faces with their children, there is the opportunity to find positive life lessons amid such tragedy. Firstly, it is an opportune time to teach our children that most people are good at heart and care about their fellow man. It is important to remind them that terrorist acts are the fanatical feats of just a few. We can take these opportunities to teach tolerance and acceptance to our children, encouraging them to not judge others simply by their ancestry and homeland. In addition, we can highlight the activities of first responders, which inevitably will be in the coverage we watch on any such event. The images and stories of firefighters and other emergency personnel live on in the hearts of all who watched 9/11 unforld. We can demonstrate true heroism for our children in the actions of those responders, showing them a positive in an otherwise terrible situation, and can underscore all those who work to keep us safe. As Mr. Rogers would say, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
As the world continues to change and the information superhighway brings tragedies into our living rooms on what seems like a daily basis, we all need to be able to digest these events, mourn them and put them into the framework of how we live our lives today. To be able to process them for our children, we will have to reconcile them for ourselves first. We will all need to continue to look for the helpers. They will see us through it all.
More from U.S. News
How Social Workers Help Your Health
14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves
Apps to Mind Your Mental Health
Coping With Tragedy: Talking About Acts of Terrorism With Children originally appeared on usnews.com
