Mocking the mock draft: Predictions for the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft

WASHINGTON — It is that special time of year again, when every single sports outlet ever conceived by mankind tries to predict what each team will do with its first-round pick in the 2016 NFL Draft Thursday. While they all obsess over lining up as many names as they can correctly, we’re doing something a little different here. We’re not as interested in the actual player that gets picked as much as what he represents. So join us, as we mock the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

AP Photo/Jason DeCrow

Football fans cheer for the return of the Rams to Los Angeles on the site of the old Hollywood Park horse-racing track in Inglewood, Calif., on Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2016. NFL owners voted Tuesday night to allow the St. Louis Rams to move to a new stadium at the site just outside Los Angeles, and the San Diego Chargers will have an option to share the facility. (AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes) — **1. Los Angeles Rams — A big, blond quarterback** Look at him, so big and blond. Surely he’ll be a great leader and thrower of footballs. Or, at the very least, he’ll look great on all the promotional materials until his rookie contract expires. (AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes)

2. Philadelphia Eagles — The other big, blond quarterback Yeah, that guy! The one who some people thought would be drafted first. Seems like a risk to take the other guy here, but hey, that’s why the Eagles traded up right? Not because they thought the other guy would be here. Right? Right? (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

AP Photo/Matt Rourke

3. San Diego Chargers — A huge guy you’ve never heard of Who? Oh, I mean, yes! Totally. That’s a great pick, to take that guy who I totally knew before seeing footage of him from the combine this week. Man, he’s really huge. He must be good. Smart pick, Chargers. (AP Photo/Denis Poroy)

AP Photo/Denis Poroy

4. Dallas Cowboys — A guy you already hate Oh man, I hate that guy. Figures the Cowboys took him. Yeah, he’ll probably be good, but now I can root for him to be a bust. (AP Photo/Brandon Wade)

AP Photo/Brandon Wade

5. Jacksonville Jaguars — A guy with a great name That’s such a great sports name. I mean, how could you not be a great football player with that name? I bet I could have been a top-five NFL pick if I’d been given a name that cool. (AP Photo/Stephen B. Morton)

AP Photo/Stephen B. Morton

6. Baltimore Ravens — A defensive guy Yeah, the Ravens are all about defense, or so your friends who haven’t watched a Ravens game since the last time they were in the Super Bowl will tell you. Totally predictable move. (AP Photo/Rogelio Solis)

AP Photo/Rogelio Solis

7. San Francisco 49ers — A guy from Oregon Oh no, Niners, what have you done? You brought in Chip Kelly and he’s already drafting Oregon guys? You might still be stuck with Kaepernick, but you better get Kelly out of the draft room before he takes Vernon Adams next round. (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

AP Photo/Jeff Chiu

A general view of FirstEnergy Stadium field during an NFL football game between the Oakland Raiders and the Cleveland Browns Sunday, Sept. 27, 2015, in Cleveland. Oakland won 27-20. (AP Photo/David Richard) — **8. Cleveland Browns — A guy from Ohio State** Wow, turns out the Browns’ draft strategy was actually just to watch “Draft Day” and follow the plot! They say life imitates art, right? That’s totally how the saying goes. This will definitely work out great for Cleveland. (AP Photo/David Richard)

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — A guy from Florida Yay, regionalism! The Bucs took Jameis Winston last year, and that didn’t turn out to be a disaster. Might as well keep it in-state, right? (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

AP Photo/David J. Phillip

10. New York Giants — Some SEC guy We’re into the part of the draft where there will be a bunch of good players selected who nobody’s ever heard of. The analysts will all nod solemnly agreeing that these boring selections are good, smart decisions. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)

AP Photo/Seth Wenig

Visitors pose for photos with the bronze lions outside the Art Institute of Chicago, Thursday, Feb. 1, 2007. The lions were fitted with oversized helmets to support the Chicago Bears and Super Bowl Festivities. The Bears will play the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLI on Sunday, Feb. 4th. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast) — **11. Chicago Bears — Another SEC guy** Ugh, man. Seriously, go make yourself some food. Grab a beer from the fridge. This is gonna be super boring until the next skill position selection. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

12. New Orleans Saints — A defensive guy Have you seen the Saints’ defense? If you have, please call Sean Payton and let him know where it went. It probably won’t matter who is on the board, if New Orleans doesn’t take a defensive guy here, someone is getting fired. (AP Photo/Bill Feig)

AP Photo/Bill Feig

13. Miami Dolphins — A trade! People doing mock drafts love to predict trades, which are insane things to predict, especially more than 10 picks into the draft. So this is totally going to happen, you guys. Trust me. (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee

14. Oakland Raiders — An guy with a last name starting with “R” This guy’s already a cult hero. Raiders fans can still manage to slur his name, even in the fourth quarter of a Black Hole blackout, and it sounds just like “Raiders.” (AP Photo/Paul Sakuma)

AP Photo/Paul Sakuma

15. Tennessee Titans — Yet another big guy Man, this is boring. I know the Titans are trying to keep Marcus Mariota from getting murdered this year, but we’re losing all the excitement here. How are the Caps doing? (AP Photo/David Goldman)

AP Photo/David Goldman

16. Detroit Lions — Seriously, another big guy I wonder if I have any more pizza rolls in the freezer. I should have time to microwave them and get back to the couch before there’s another pick I actually care about. (AP Photo/Rick Osentoski)

AP Photo/Rick Osentoski

17. Atlanta Falcons — That guy everyone said they’d take See? Everyone totally nailed this pick. It was so obvious, really. Never mind that they missed, like, five of the last six, this one totally makes up for it. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

AP Photo/John Bazemore

18. Indianapolis Colts — A guy with my name Wow, really? There aren’t any guys with my name in the League. That’s actually…kind of cool. Man, I really don’t want to have to cheer for the Colts, though. Maybe he’ll get traded. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

AP Photo/Matt Slocum

19. Buffalo Bills — More defense, blah, blah, blah Can we just get to the Jets at 20? That’s all we’ve been waiting for the past half hour. (AP Photo/ David Duprey)

AP Photo/ David Duprey

20. New York Jets — Not the QB all the fans want Poor guy. It doesn’t matter how good you are, Jets fans are going to be furious that you aren’t that quarterback. It’s really not your fault. But get used to that sense of dread and helplessness — you’re a Jet now. (AP Photo/Julio Cortez)

AP Photo/Julio Cortez

21. Washington Redskins — A conservative, defensive pick Or maybe even a trade down for more picks. Washington has gone from one of the most unpredictable and awful draft teams to the exact opposite since Scot McCloughan’s arrival. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)

AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Houston Texans logos are moves at NRG Stadium prior to an NFL football game between the Houston Texans and New York Jets, Sunday, Nov. 22, 2015, in Houston. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip) — **22. Houston Texans — A wide receiver (finally!)** Oh man, I thought those poor wideouts would never get taken. Never mind that Houston already has the best one in the league, you can never have too much of a good thing. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

23. Minnesota Vikings – Another wide receiver This guy was totally the guy they wanted. Definitely not the guy who was just taken a spot in front of him, no sir. They didn’t want that type of wide receiver. They absolutely wanted this guy. Totally. (AP Photo/Rogelio Solis)

AP Photo/Rogelio Solis

A general view of the warning sticker and helmet of Cleveland Browns guard John Greco prior to an NFL football game against the Cincinnati Bengals Sunday, Dec. 6, 2015, in Cleveland. Cincinnati won 37-3. (AP Photo/David Richard) — **24. Cincinnati Bengals — *Another* wide receiver** Wait, no, did anyone tell the Bengals this is a real draft, not a fantasy draft? Like, there doesn’t have to be a run on wide receivers. They aren’t going to run out. In fact, you already have a couple on your roster! Decent ones! Oh well. (AP Photo/David Richard)

25. Pittsburgh Steelers – Not a wide receiver Thank god, seriously, the Steelers really don’t need another wide receiver, so long as Antonio Brown’s head is still attached after what happened in that Wild Card game last year. (AP Photo/Gene Puskar)

AP Photo/Gene Puskar

26. Seattle Seahawks — A giant offensive lineman This is the part of the draft where the smart teams make good picks instead of doing crazy, stupid things that will cost the franchise dearly. After last year’s embarrassing showing in the NFC title game, they know what needs to be addressed. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)

AP Photo/Ted S. Warren

27. Green Bay Packers — Oh no, that guy Wait, that guy was still on the board? At 27? What has everyone else been doing? That guy is going to wreck the NFC North for like, the next 10 years. Oh man, Aaron Rogers has all the luck. (AP Photo/Mike Roemer)

AP Photo/Mike Roemer

28. Kansas City Chiefs — That other wide receiver This guy is going to have such a chip on his shoulder. He’ll be like the Steph Curry of wide receivers, passed over for others at his position. Man, those other teams are going to regret having left him on the board. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

AP Photo/Charlie Riedel

New England Patriots — Nobody The Patriots were supposed to pick here, but there’s a possibility they let some air out of some footballs, so now they aren’t allowed to use this pick. That’ll show ‘em. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

AP Photo/David J. Phillip

29. Arizona Cardinals — That other, not blond quarterback Sure, the Ken dolls went 1-2, but this guy could end up being the real steal of the draft. At least, that’s what everyone will say, hoping you’re still watching at this point. Besides, Carson Palmer’s like 45, and the prospect of starting Drew Stanton or Matt Barkley should be scary enough to force this pick. (AP Photo/Rick Scuteri)

AP Photo/Rick Scuteri

30. Carolina Panthers — Probably not a real guy Is that an actual guy? I’m pretty sure you made that name up just to see if anyone’s still paying attention. We’re all just flipping back on the commercial breaks anyway, so don’t worry, nobody noticed. (AP Photo/Mike McCarn)

AP Photo/Mike McCarn

31. Denver Broncos — The steal of the draft Oh man, can you believe it? Every other team (except, of course, the Pats) had a chance to take this guy and nobody did. How could they all let that happen? Belichick wouldn’t have let that happen. This is all Goodell’s fault. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

AP Photo/David Zalubowski

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