Almost everyone has experienced a toxic relationship at some point in their life — whether with a romantic partner, a family member or even a friend. Trauma-bonded relationships fall under this category, yet many people often confuse the term or misunderstand what it actually means.
“Although people often use the term ‘trauma bonding’ colloquially to mean connecting with someone over shared trauma histories, in the professional psychological sense, it refers to something much darker and more dangerous,” says Jennifer Toof, a certified trauma therapist and the owner of Trauma Informed Counseling & Consulting in Pennsylvania.
Trauma bonding occurs when a person in an abusive relationship develops an emotional attachment to their abuser, similar to Stockholm syndrome, in which victims or hostages develop empathy or even sympathy for those who captured them.
Learn the signs and stages of trauma bonding, plus practical strategies of how to remove yourself (or someone you love) from this type of relationship.
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What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment that develops between a person and someone who is harming or manipulating them, often through repeated cycles of abuse followed by affection, apologies or making up.
It’s a vicious cycle: The abuser delivers positive reinforcement after doing something harmful, which creates a sense of confusion and a deep emotional dependency, even when the relationship feels unsafe.
“It’s not love in the healthy sense, but it feels like love because of how the nervous system and emotions become entangled in that push-pull dynamic,” says Ashley Peña, a licensed clinical social worker, therapist and vice president of outpatient operations at AMFM Healthcare, a network of mental health treatment centers in California, Minnesota and Virginia.
How trauma bonds develop
Trauma bonds often develop when the nervous system blurs the line between safety and danger. These dynamics commonly appear in childhood abuse, domestic violence situations and other forms of interpersonal violence.
“From an attachment perspective, humans are hardwired for connection and attachment for survival. When the person you rely on for safety, security, housing and stability is also hurting you, confusion about what’s healthy and safe occurs and trauma bonding can develop,” says Melissa Kremer, a trauma psychologist and treatment program director at Idaho Neuropsychology in Boise. “People begin to think, ‘If I stay, maybe the kindness will come again,’ or ‘Maybe I’ll be good enough that they’ll love me all the time.”
The cycle affects the brain at a neurochemical level: Right after a threat from an abuser, you receive kindness and affection, which triggers the brain to release feel-good hormones, like dopamine and oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone.” This rush of hormones can confuse the nervous system and make relief feel like a reward.
Over time, the brain learns to chase that relief, even if the relationship is unsafe.
“In trauma bonding, people experience an unpredictable cycle of negative and positive reinforcement,” says Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Chronic exposure to this type of stress can also change the brain, causing people to experience a greater fear response and difficulty regulating their emotions.”
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Signs of a Trauma Bond
There are several key emotional and behavioral signs that someone is in a trauma bond.
According to all of the experts, some of the most recognizable emotional signs and symptoms of trauma bond include:
— Confusion. A victim may be confused about whether they are experiencing feelings of love, fear or hope versus despair because they’re often happening at the same time. They may also be confused about which emotions and feelings from their abuser are real.
— Guilt or self-blame. Kremer notes that intrusive thoughts can bubble up, specifically internal narratives, such as “If I were only better, they wouldn’t do this to me.”
— Shame. People in abusive relationships often have partners who gaslight them or shift the responsibility for something bad onto them.
— Denial. Someone in a trauma bond may try to minimize or rationalize harm that’s happening to them. They may make excuses for the person abusing them. For example, “They’re just stressed right now — they didn’t really mean that.”
— Dependency. The person may start to believe they can’t live without the abusive partner, despite them being the source of their pain. In some instances, some people may begin to believe that their abusive partner is the only person who will ever love them.
Common behavioral signs and symptoms of a trauma bond include:
— Repeatedly returning to a harmful relationship despite negative consequences
— Isolating from friends, family and other support systems
— Issues recognizing, setting and sticking to boundaries
— Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (such as flashbacks, nightmares, isolation and hypervigilance)
— Emotional, financial or social dependence on the abuser
— Numbness
— Anxiety or fear
— Thoughts of suicide
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Trauma Bond Stages
While trauma bonding is unique to each person, it can occur in the following stages:
Stage 1: Love bombing
At first, the abuser will be overly affectionate and make efforts to connect with their partner. They may offer validation and gain the other partner’s trust.
“The abuser generally starts with overwhelming expressions of love and affection early in the relationship to ‘win over’ their partner,” Toof says.
Stage 2: Trust and dependency
Next, the abuser’s intense affection and validation create deep dependence, allowing them to gain control over the other person’s choices and behavior.
“In addition to love bombing, the abuser often engages in other acts with the goal of gaining their partner’s trust,” Toof says.
Stage 3: Criticism
In this stage, the victim may receive an abnormal amount of criticism from their partner.
“Once the partner feels loved and trusts their abuser, the abuser often then starts with criticism,” Toof says. “The person frequently believes they deserve the criticism and blames themself, even if they’ve done nothing wrong, because the abuser previously showed them that love and trust.”
As the tone of the relationship shifts, the victim often begins to chase the approval they once received. The sudden withdrawal of affection is confusing and painful, and because they’ve been conditioned to trust the abuser, they assume the change is their fault. They may work harder to win back the abuser’s praise. This can look like repeatedly apologizing, over-explaining or trying to meet the abuser’s moving expectations.
Stage 4: Manipulation and gaslighting
Then comes manipulation, where the victim may be constantly gaslighting, creating confusion for them about whether or not they’re actually in an abusive relationship.
“The abuser may convince their partner that the abuse is imagined, exaggerated or even just a normal part of relationships,” Toof says.
Stage 5: Resignation
In the resignation stage, the abused person becomes emotionally exhausted, accepts the abuse and avoids conflict with their partner at all costs.
They comply with the abuser’s demands as a coping mechanism following repeated incidents of abuse. At this stage, the victim may become even more dependent on the abuser — emotionally and financially.
Stage 6: Loss of self
After being belittled, gaslit and made to feel worthless for so long, the victim begins to lose sight of themselves and their self-worth. Their reality becomes so warped that it can be nearly impossible for them to remember what their life was like before they met the abuser. The victim may begin having suicidal thoughts at this stage.
Stage 7: Emotional addiction
This stage describes the vicious cycle of a trauma bond as a whole. Repeated abuse can become emotionally addictive.
“Trauma bonds typically develop slowly through an alternating cycle of punishment or abuse and reward, or love or other forms of positive reinforcement,” Toof says. “This unpredictable cycle keeps the abused person emotionally hooked, much like the intermittent reinforcement seen in addiction.”
Differentiating From a Healthy Attachment
If you’re currently in a trauma bond, it can be difficult to recall what a healthy, secure relationship actually looks like.
In a trauma bond, there is a cycle of abuse and affection. However, with healthy attachment, there is a consistent and stable pattern of positive reinforcement that conveys mutual respect and support.
Signs of a healthy attachment include:
— Reciprocal trust
— Mutual respect
— Consistency with emotions and behaviors
— Emotional safety
— Autonomy within the relationship
— Healthy disagreements that don’t threaten the partnership
— Strong and secure self-identity, even when together
— Individual needs are expressed safely and aren’t met with aggression
How to Heal and Recover from Trauma Bonding
Removing yourself from the toxic relationship is just one piece of the battle.
“Healing from a trauma bond takes time and patience,” Peña says. “It often starts with creating some distance from the person or situation so you can see things more clearly.”
Trauma therapists and other qualified mental health professionals will often suggest these strategies.
Step 1: Learn about trauma bonding
When it comes to breaking a trauma bond, knowledge is power. Learning about trauma bonding and how it affects emotional and physical well-being is the first step to help you understand and make sense of what you’re experiencing.
“It can help people make sense of what they’re experiencing and show them that their symptoms are evidence of the autonomic nervous system’s protective response — not a sign of weakness,” Toof says.
Learning about these abusive patterns often leads to an “aha moment,” helping people realize that their relationship wasn’t healthy and that they’re not alone or crazy.
Step 2: Try trauma-informed therapy
Seeking help from a mental health professional is an important way for those who have experienced a trauma bond to break free.
“Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you understand why the bond feels so strong and give you tools to start letting go,” Peña says.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is widely considered one of the most effective ways to support healing from traumatic events. This approach helps to challenge and eventually reverse thought patterns that sustain trauma bonds, Toof says. It can also help address trauma’s impact on the body and physiological responses.
“You don’t need therapy forever, but you do need to continue using the skills learned in therapy,” Kremer says.
Step 3: Lean on your support systems
People in trauma-bonded relationships are often cut off from others, which can make it feel like the abuser is the only person they can rely on.
“Creating or reestablishing healthy relationships with safe friends, family members, support groups or online communities can counter isolation and reintroduce healthy models of connection,” Toof says.
Support groups in particular can be extremely valuable — these communities often offer validation, perspective and practical advice to victims of abuse.
Rebuilding healthy connections also helps reset your expectations for what supportive, respectful relationships can look like, giving you space to practice clearer boundaries and healthier communication.
Step 4: Reintroduce self-care strategies
“Recovery isn’t a sprint or even a marathon — it’s about ongoing self-care and monitoring your mental and physical health,” Kremer says.
Self-care is exactly what it sounds like: an activity that helps you take care of yourself.
“It is at the very heart of not only being able to survive during traumatic or trying times but also being able to grow from and become stronger through traumatic or trying times,” Toof says. “Self-care includes taking care of oneself in various areas, such as physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.”
Step 5: Limit or eliminate contact with abuser
“If possible, true recovery from a trauma bond may require cutting contact from the abuser so that the mind and body have time to recalibrate,” Toof says.
Keep in mind that you will likely experience some withdrawal after removing contact with the abuser.
“When separation from the trauma bond occurs — whether from an abusive relationship or a professional trauma context — withdrawal symptoms can be evident, including anxiety, depression, insomnia and cravings for that old bond, even though it was harmful,” Kremer says.
Professional Help and Resources
Finding the right professional doesn’t have to be a laborious process. Kremer suggests finding trauma-informed therapists who specifically have:
— Experience with evidence-based psychotherapies, such as CBT, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing and prolonged exposure
— An understanding of trauma and attachment
— Relevant qualifications that are clearly noted on their website
Keep in mind: “Reaching out doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re taking care of yourself, and that’s an incredibly brave thing to do,” Peña says.
You can also join in-person groups, such as:
— Peer support groups
— Local or regional programs
— VA Vet Centers and local options for military populations
Other resources you can call or find online include:
— National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is a confidential hotline you can call if you feel like you’re in a potentially dangerous situation at home.
— DomesticShelters.org: This is a searchable directory of shelters and additional educational resources.
— The National Alliance on Mental Illness: This organization offers education, support and advocacy for people affected by mental illness, including trauma and PTSD.
When to Seek Immediate Help
If you feel like your safety is being threatened, you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or 911. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at any hour of the day.
Bottom Line
Toxic relationships rooted in trauma bonds can pose a serious threat to a person’s mental and physical well-being — and in some cases, even their safety. Learning the signs and stages of trauma bonding can help you recognize a potentially dangerous situation sooner. When in doubt, reach out to a licensed mental health professional if you suspect you may be in a harmful partnership.
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