When Sarah Burgamy was growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s, the best term adults came up with to describe her was “tomboy.”
“Broaching my own gender identity with my family was an evolution over time,” says Burgamy, now a psychologist specializing in gender identity. “Despite some valiant efforts at gender conformity — a rather bountiful perm in 7th grade, long hair, dresses, three turns as a debutante — I never did feel authentic presenting myself as a culturally gender-conforming woman.”
Even though she identified as a woman, Burgamy’s gender expression was more “boyish.” People continuously misgendered her as male, including one incident in college when someone told her she was in the wrong restroom as she was washing her hands at an ice hockey arena.
“This was a watershed moment for me, that despite my efforts to make my appearance more gender conforming and culturally feminine, I was simply not experienced as a culturally ‘appropriate’ woman,” Burgamy says.
Today, Burgamy describes her gender identity as androgynous or “genderqueer,” which means not fitting into cultural gender norms.
Today’s parents may be more familiar with gender identity terms than those of Burgamy’s generation, but that doesn’t mean they understand exactly what such terms mean or how they figure into how their child feels about or expresses themselves.
If you identify as gender fluid, genderqueer or anything other than cisgender (the sex you were assigned at birth), you may want to talk to your family about how you perceive yourself, even if this is a scary prospect.
How can you approach such a complex topic with family, especially if you’re not sure how they will react? Here are the steps to take.
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What Does Gender Fluid Mean?
While many perceive gender as a fixed concept, gender fluid individuals experience their sense of gender as a deep internal shift depending on the day or context — sometimes aligning more with masculinity, sometimes femininity and something in between or beyond.
A gender fluid person may use the pronoun “they” instead of the gender-specific “she” or “he.”
“For many people who identify as gender fluid, the challenge isn’t just naming who they are — it’s navigating the fear that their truth will be too much, too confusing or too inconvenient for the people they love,” says therapist Rebecca Minor, a gender specialist and author of the upcoming book “Raising Trans Kids: What to Expect When You Weren’t Expecting This.”
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Understanding Gender Identity Terminology
Gender identity terminology can be confusing, but the most important thing for family is to respect one’s preferred description of themself.
Here are definitions of other helpful terms about gender identity:
— Cisgender. Identifying with the sex you were assigned at birth.
— Gender expression. How you express your gender in your appearance and behavior.
— Gender identity. Your personal sense of your gender.
— Gender nonconforming. A gender expression (not identity) outside of cultural norms.
— Genderqueer. A gender identity that doesn’t fit into cultural gender norms.
— Nonbinary. A gender identity outside the binary of man/woman that doesn’t adhere to a male/female construct. Genderqueer and gender fluid fall under the umbrella term of “nonbinary.”
— Perceived gender. How others see your gender.
— Sexual orientation. Who someone is romantically or sexually attracted to. This is separate from gender identity.
— Transgender (or trans, for short). A gender identity that is different from the person’s sex assigned at birth. Many trans people prefer to use the shortened version, “trans.”
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How to Explain Gender Fluidity to Family
Explaining all this, especially to someone raised with a traditional idea of male and female genders, can be intimidating.
When it’s a family member, there’s the added worry that you may be misunderstood or even rejected.
Although these fears are normal, there are steps you can take to make conversations about your gender fluid identity go more smoothly.
1. Recognize it’s OK if you’re still uncertain
Uncertainty is a valid part of exploring your gender identity.
“You don’t need to have it all figured out to start talking about it,” Minor says. “You might say, ‘I’m still learning more about my gender, but gender fluid feels like a helpful way to describe my experience right now.'”
Explaining you don’t have all the answers is honest and authentic, and introduces the idea that gender identity isn’t fixed.
“You’re inviting people into your process, not presenting a finalized report,” Minor says.
2. Practice
Coming up with the words to express yourself is hard, so instead of just practicing in the mirror, find a real person to try them out on.
Pick someone you trust who knows about your gender identity journey, such as a friend, sibling or gender-affirming therapist, and practice figuring out what to say.
“It’s not about scripting the perfect conversation — it’s about experiencing what it feels like to say the words out loud,” Minor says.
This can help build your confidence when faced with family members who might not understand right away.
3. Bridge the gap
Start simply with phrasing that’s easy to understand.
For example, you can say, “For me, gender fluid means my sense of gender isn’t fixed — it can shift over time. Some days I feel more connected to masculinity, other days to femininity, or something in between. It’s just part of how I understand myself.”
You can also use accessible language by relating to concepts that family members are familiar with.
— Use metaphors — such as “seasons” or “shifting tides” — to explain the changes in gender you experience.
— Connect being gender fluid to the idea that one’s personality can have different sides. For example, sometimes a person may feel shy and other times outgoing.
— Relate being gender fluid to how one sees and expresses themselves differently in different contexts. For example, how you see yourself when going hiking — strong, outdoorsy, adventurous — is likely different from how you feel about yourself when you’re attending a fancy dinner — sophisticated, classy, refined.
4. Share your joy
Depending on how open your family members are to new ideas, you may be prepared for battle.
However, they might follow your lead if you present your gender fluid identity as the good news it is.
“There’s so much pressure to come out defensively, like you’re bracing for impact, but it can be incredibly powerful to lead with joy or grounded self-awareness,” Minor says. “Try framing it as something you’re excited to share, for example, ‘This part of me has brought me closer to who I really am,’ or ‘I feel more like myself than I ever have.'”
5. Be prepared for questions
Your family members might not completely understand at first, so questions may be part of their process
“Anticipate familial reactions may come from a place of confusion and worry,” Burgamy says. “Be able to provide as much context for one’s own ‘gender journey’ or exploration, while acknowledging the need for education and adjustment.”
Common questions from family may include:
— Whether something they did impacted your gender fluid identity.
— How to address you in terms of a new name or pronouns; or refer to you to others, such as “my child” instead of “my son/daughter.”
— Questions that come from a place of ignorance. Minor says once a client’s father, who didn’t understand what gender fluid meant or how it’s different from trans, asked, “So, are you trying to be trans now?”
In response, you can provide online resources for learning and understanding more about gender identity, such as:
— PFLAG
6. Lead with empathy
Some things your family members say may make you shake your head or come off as hurtful, even though they may hastily add that they “didn’t mean it like that.”
However, instead of judging their level of acceptance by how well they use the proper terms or phrase their responses, go by their willingness to try and their attempts to be respectful and loving.
“The effort is likely more important, in the beginning, than perfection,” Burgamy says.
7. Refuse to be invalidated
If a family member is purposefully resisting acknowledging your gender fluid identity or using proper language, ask a supportive family member to act as an ally and mediator to help deal with that person.
You can also engage a therapist specializing in gender identity for support. For Minor’s client with the dismissive dad, the hardest part was that their experience was being minimized.
“They told me, ‘It’s like they think I’m just going through a phase or being dramatic, but this is who I am,'” Minor says.
Working together with a therapist can help you utilize different approaches if someone in your family is reluctant to adjust. Slowly, you may see changes in their attitude.
8. Protect your boundaries
Unfortunately, there are some people who may simply refuse to learn or adapt to a different way of looking at gender, or turn every discussion about it into a debate.
“Grace doesn’t mean tolerating harm. Ideally, you want to see effort and growth, not just apologies — if someone is truly trying, you’ll feel it,” Minor says. “If they’re not, you don’t have to keep putting yourself in the line of fire.”
Hold the hurtful family member accountable for their words, and limit conversation or even cut off contact until they change their tune.
“You don’t have to tolerate disrespect in the name of ‘patience,'” Minor says.
9. Make sure you are safe
In some cases, it’s OK not to share, especially if talking about your gender fluid identity would put you at risk of physical, emotional or financial harm or danger.
Minor advises trusting your instincts on this one.
“You are not required to come out to everyone in order to be valid,” she says. “If someone has a track record of being unsafe or dismissive, you’re allowed to protect and prioritize your well-being.”
If you’re rejected by family members, seek support and connection with other gender-diverse people through community groups or online resources. You are not alone.
Bottom Line
Talking with your family about your gender fluid identity might require time, education and adjustment on your family’s part.
However, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate ongoing disrespect, disparagement or emotional or physical abuse.
“You deserve to be known and loved for who you are, not just who others expect you to be,” Minor says. “Whether you share your gender fluidity widely or only with a trusted few, your identity is real.”
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How to Talk to Your Family About Your Gender Fluid Identity originally appeared on usnews.com
