If you’ve recently lost a beloved pet, you may struggle with how to cope. Knowing how to deal with the loss of a pet can be so challenging because pets are part of our family. The grief you experience may be similar to what you’d experience if you lost a human family member.
“Pets love us unconditionally, a status which is humbling and acutely felt at the time of a pet’s death,” says Kelsey French, a clinical psychologist with Family Care Center Behavioral Health Services in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
The loss of a pet also hits hard as we often associate pets being there for important events in our lives, such as playing with children when they were younger or tagging along on memorable trips.
“Many family pets are valued as family members, and a death of any kind changes the family dynamic,” says Kimberly Nelson, a therapist with the virtual health platform PlushCare.
[See: Apps to Support Your Mental Health]
Coping With the Loss of a Pet
There are a few things you can do to cope with the loss of a pet. These may not help you feel better immediately, but they will help you process what you’re feeling.
— Give yourself time to grieve.
— Expect to feel a range of emotions.
— Grieve in your own way.
— Consider that other pets may also feel the loss.
— Think about how to honor your pet.
— Consider therapy.
Give yourself time to grieve.
Don’t try to push away feelings of grief. Some people will feel an urge to try to push away feelings of grief and sadness by distracting themselves or forcing different emotions.
“Grief is a healthy response to loss, and it’s to be expected,” Nelson says. “Trying to minimize that it was only a pet versus a person doesn’t help and can prolong your sadness and grief.”
Rather than trying to diminish the grief you’re feeling, understand that it will take time to process the loss.
Expect to feel a range of emotions.
Sadness is just one part of grieving. The traditional five stages of grief, originally described by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, are:
— Denial of the reality of what happened.
— Anger, which may be directed at someone who died or others.
— Bargaining, which involves “what if” and “if only” thoughts that you think might change what happened.
— Depression, where you focus on the sadness of what has happened. This is a normal part of the process, but reach out for help if you’re having trouble moving past this stage.
— Acceptance, where you still may feel the grief but you understand and accept what’s happened.
Contrary to popular belief, these stages may not happen in consecutive order. You may feel any of these emotions at any time, and you may circle back to certain emotions even after you think you’ve moved on. Whatever stage you’re at, acknowledge what you’re feeling.
Grieve in your own way.
Know that grief may look different for everyone, says Melissa L. Whitson, a professor of psychology and program coordinator for the Community Psychology Program at the University of New Haven in New Haven, Connecticut.
For instance, some people will want to spend time alone while grieving the loss of a pet or other loved one. Other people seek the support that comes from being around more people. You may find you have unexpected impulsiveness, a desire to run away from everything or other reactions you didn’t expect. There’s no “right” way to grieve, so give yourself and others some grace.
Consider that other pets may also feel the loss.
If you have other pets at home, you may notice changes in their eating, drinking and sleeping habits, Nelson says. Do your best to keep their routine, and share some extra affection. Talk to a vet if any of their changes continue long term.
Think about how to honor your pet.
Honoring your pet includes things like making a scrapbook, a garden marker or a contribution to a local shelter, French suggests. In addition to cremating your pet, some people also opt for services at pet cemeteries, which offer similar services you might have for a human loved one. Doing these things can help you remember the positive experiences you had with your pet and what you did to give them a good life.
Consider therapy.
Going to therapy to process your grief is always an option, Whitson says. Even if you feel like you’re managing the loss relatively well, a therapist may have additional tips for helping you feel better. Therapy may also be necessary if you no longer enjoy your normal hobbies or interests or you’re not able to carry out your basic tasks and responsibilities a few days or weeks after your pet’s passing. If you’re having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, you can reach out for help to the National Suicide Hotline by texting or calling 988. There also are online support groups related to pet loss; ask your veterinarian if you need help finding one.
[Read: What to Look for in a Therapist.]
Helping Children Understand Pet Loss
If you have a child who is also grieving the loss of a pet, you’ll want to give some thought to explaining the loss and helping them grieve in their own way.
Here are a few pointers to explain pet loss to children:
— Be honest. Saying that the pet ran away could create false hope for the pet returning. Children may also feel guilty, thinking that they contributed to the pet going away, Nelson says. If your pet was put to sleep, saying that they went to sleep but didn’t wake up could cause fear that the same thing could happen to them or their loved ones. It’s best to be honest in an age-appropriate way. If your family is spiritual or religious, you can share some beliefs that may provide comfort.
— Expect questions that you may not know how to answer. It’s OK to say, “That’s a great question, and we just don’t know the answer” or something similar, French says.
— If your pet is sick and death is imminent, give your child time to be part of the process of saying goodbye. This could include giving your pet a few final snuggles or other comforts.
— Let them know it’s OK to share their feelings instead of avoiding them. “Learning how to cope with loss and grief is an essential life skill,” Nelson says. You can also let them know there will be good and bad days as they cope with their grief.
— Encourage them to honor your pet in a special way, such as by drawing a picture or making a memory book.
[READ Best Breathing Techniques for Anxiety]
Helping Seniors Cope with Pet Loss
While pet loss is crushing for anyone, it can be especially hard for older adults. There are a few reasons for that:
— If they’ve lost a partner, their pet has provided an unwavering sense of comfort and companionship.
— Losing a pet can remind them of their own mortality.
— They may feel more lonely after losing a pet.
— They may be experiencing other losses of family members and friends, so the death of a pet compounds their grief.
Seniors can follow the same steps for processing grief just like anyone else would, such as honoring their feelings and finding ways to remember their beloved pet.
Understanding When It’s Time to Put a Pet to Sleep
For many pet owners, a major struggle associated with pet loss is deciding when it’s time to put a sick pet to sleep.
“This is a tough one that I have struggled with myself,” Whitson says. “There’s not a ‘right’ way to handle this. Whatever someone decides, it’s hard not to feel guilty. If your decision is coming from a place of love and desire to make your pet as comfortable as possible, then it’s the right decision.”
Input from your vet or pet specialist can be invaluable, French says. Some questions that they may ask or that you could ask yourself as you make the decision include:
— How is your pet’s quality of life?
— Does your pet have more bad days than good days?
— Are they in a lot of pain?
— Can they still eat and drink?
— Can they stand up?
— Are they enjoying their usual activities and the company of the family?
“Having honest conversations with your veterinarian about your feelings and concerns can help ease some of those fears and help you find peace in your decision,” Nelson says.
If you have close family members who disagree with when to put a pet to sleep, talk about the decision and share feelings, Whitson advises. If possible, talk in advance before a pet gets very sick to air out preferences that you and other decision-makers might have.
Getting Another Pet
The rewards and love that come from having a pet or multiple pets may lead you to wonder when it’s a good time to get another pet. This is also an area with no clear right or wrong answer. However, there are a few pointers to consider:
— Make sure you’re not getting a new pet just to “replace” the pet that you lost. Instead of embracing the new relationship, you may struggle to appreciate your new pet’s unique needs and personality because the new pet isn’t like your old pet,” Nelson cautions.
— Ask yourself if a pet will enrich your life now. While having a pet may have improved your quality of life in the past, decide whether a new pet would still be a positive addition to your life, or whether other activities and hobbies might make you feel even more fulfilled.
— Double check that you have the time and emotional energy to train and bond with your new pet.
Losing a pet can feel gut wrenching, so give yourself time to process it. Hopefully with time, you can focus on the good things your pet brought into your life.
More from U.S. News
Understanding Male Depression: Sign and Solutions
Find Relief from Depression With These Medications
6 Ways to Deal With the Loss of a Pet originally appeared on usnews.com
