The rules for proper dating behavior are constantly in flux. What was right just five years ago may be considered archaic or even insulting today, and that includes which person ought to pick up the tab on the first date.
The cost can be surprisingly high. According to 2024 data collected by MoneyGeek, the average date night involving dinner and a movie in America is $123.
Many factors go into the “who pays for what and when” decision, though, so it’s best to prepare in advance. Here’s how to approach the first-date check dilemma.
Who Asked Whom
The person who invited you on the date should expect to cover the entire cost, right? Brianna McCabe, author of the self-help dating book, “The Red Flags I’ve (Repeatedly) Ignored,” says yes, in general.
“If the initiator intends on courting their date at an expensive restaurant, they shouldn’t assume that their date can split the cost,” McCabe says. “So, if you want to initiate the date, make sure it’s within your means. Don’t woo someone so hard that you’re pinching pennies until next payday.”
However, as the person who was asked out, McCabe warns against assumptions. Always be prepared to pay your share in case the other person has different intentions. You may want to suggest a more affordable place or activity instead, just in case.
A good way to avoid misunderstandings is to listen closely to the exact wording of the invitation.
“Did they say, ‘I want to take you out,’ or, ‘Let’s meet up?,'” says Tammy Shaklee, a relationship expert and founder of H4M Matchmaking.
If it’s the former, she says, it’s a strong implication that they will be picking up the tab. In the latter situation, definitely bring your cash or cards and be ready to cover for your portion.
When to Split the Cost
Traci Williams, a certified financial therapist, says that one person paying for everything on the first date is becoming less common.
“While some people continue to prefer the conventional approach, we’re actually seeing more equity when it comes to who takes the bill,” Williams says.
“I recently partnered with the banking app Chime to see how couples are approaching the money talk, and we discovered that a majority of Americans are alternating paying for dates,” she adds.
If you go to a cafe, buying a couple of drinks is unlikely to strain your budget, so buying both will be an attractive gesture.
“By offering to ‘go Dutch,’ you remove unnecessary discomfort from the situation and allow both parties to be financially responsible,” Williams says. Big ticket events are another story.
“Transparency is key, so if your date is obsessed with Taylor Swift but you can’t afford two tickets to her concert, have an open conversation and see if they would be interested in going halves. They’ll appreciate your honesty,” she says.
From a matchmaker’s perspective, though, contributing at least some money is best. “When we set people up on a first date, the rules are to split the tab,” Shaklee says. “This allows no one to feel obligated.”
Income Disparities
So, what should you do if one of you has a very high income and the other is barely scraping by?
“There seems to be an increased expectation for higher earners to pick up the bill, whether you’re on a first date or in a long marriage,” Williams says.
In the event that you have an accurate idea of the other person’s vastly different net worth, arrange and accept activities that are within both of your means.
[Related:What Is the Average American Net Worth by Age?]
“If the person initiating the date seems to be in a healthier financial state than the person accepting, you may want to plan a date that doesn’t make the other financially uncomfortable, such as planning a picnic or going on a hike,” McCabe says.
In many cases you won’t be privy to the other person’s financial situation, and planning a first date is not the time to ask about their bank account. Leave those conversations for subsequent dates, as you get to know one another better and it becomes more relevant.
[READ: Fun Things to Do in Your Free Time That Cost Nothing]
Age and Gender Matters
A 2022 LendingTree survey found that 44% of Americans say that (in a heterosexual relationship), the man should pay for the first date. Fifty-four percent of men have this opinion while 36% of women do.
The survey also found generational differences, with baby boomers most likely to say the man should pay for the first date and Gen Zers most likely to say the person who asked the other on the first date should pay or split the costs.
May-December romances add another layer to these issues. When one of you is 22 and the other is 52, payment expectations can get tricky.
“There could be situations where, for example, a 30-year-old man may ask a 47-year-old man out on a date,” McCabe says. “While the younger man may have initiated the date, the older man may insist on covering the bill as a result of having a more classical approach to dating and etiquette.”
Cultural Variables
A first date with someone who was born and raised outside the United States is yet another consideration. Shaklee is familiar with culture clashes that Americans can have regarding money and dating people from other countries.
To avoid discomfort, research what is standard procedure within that person’s country of origin before you head out. The last thing you want to do is inadvertently offend the person you really do like.
For example, in Brazil, the man will usually cover the entire cost on the first date (and a Brazilian woman may consider not doing so insulting), while Australians tend to be fine with sharing the cost.
These are not rigid rules, and the person you’re about to meet may not hold the same attitude, but it’s wise to have an idea of what you may encounter.
When and How to Communicate About the Payment
“Personally, I would refrain from bringing up the topic of payment prior to the first date and, instead, focus on the conversation at-hand and anticipation leading to the date,” McCabe says. “However, if you want to alleviate any financial anxiety, being direct is important.”
[Related:49% of Those With Financial Anxiety Say It’s Significant]
Just be aware that if you do offer to only pay your portion, the other person may assume that you’re feeling more of a friend connection rather than a romantic one, which could thwart your chances of a second date. To avoid misunderstanding, you may want to verbally disclose your true feelings.
“It’s also important to remember that people view money differently,” McCabe says. “The way that they overpay or underpay doesn’t necessarily equate to how much they like you.”
If one of you does want to treat the other to a meal, don’t fight over the check when it arrives. Instead consider:
— Politely excusing yourself from the table, finding the server and discreetly paying the bill.
— Arranging for the payment ahead of time.
— Arriving earlier than your date and giving the server your card in advance.
And, stresses McCabe, dating is meant to be fun, so lighten up.
“Let’s say that one person picks up the bill this time, the other person can then suggest that the next round of drinks or apps can be on them, which can build anticipation for a second date,” she says.
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Who Should Pay on the First Date? originally appeared on usnews.com
