We all want our kids to have friends, but building and maintaining friendships can be harder for some than others. If you’re wondering how to help your child make friends or why they can’t seem to, you’re not alone.
Explore why kids sometimes have trouble with friendship and, better yet, how you can help as their parent, caregiver or teacher. Staying attuned to your child’s developmental milestones and actively supporting them in building communication skills can ensure your child forms strong, lasting friendships.
[READ: How Loneliness Impacts Your Health and 10 Ways to Combat It]
Why Some Kids Have Trouble Making Friends
“Why can’t I make friends?”
Hearing that question out of your child can feel gut-wrenching. But knowing how to answer their question and understanding the “why” behind it can help you feel prepared and a little less helpless.
When children have a strong foundational base of socialization and support at home, they’ll typically develop naturally and build communication skills. However, that doesn’t always happen, and you often will see differences in childhood connections early on.
This could be due to poor attachment with a caregiver, says Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, California.
Other times, trouble communicating or connecting may be due to neurodevelopmental differences. Neurodevelopmental disorders or conditions refers to a group of disorders characterized by atypical brain development and functioning, such as autism spectrum disorder or ADHD.
Sometimes, trouble connecting could be attributed to intellectual differences.
“There’s disabilities of some kind that then interfere with the typical trajectory of social emotional development in a person,” Mendez says.
When that happens, skills don’t just develop naturally by imitation, she says. In that case, “social skills, per se, need to be taught as opposed to relying a lot on natural development.”
Additionally, “COVID did some damage,” says Amy Stark, a clinical psychologist based in Orange County, California. “During COVID, kids were not improving or working on socialization.”
Not only did math and reading skills go down, but they were asked to stay away from each other, she emphasizes. They were sitting behind a plexiglass barrier, spacing apart at the lunch table or staying six feet apart on the playground.
“Some kids who withdrew or already had a problem anyway now seem to have withdrawn even more,” Stark says.
However, socialization is essential for kids to learn values and behaviors within their culture or community. If your child needs more help, you can try “social scripts.” These are everyday conversations that your child can practice with you. This can also help them learn to make eye contact and respond to other people’s behaviors and emotional state.
Always keep in mind that you are also an important role model for your child. Ask yourself if you are modeling behaviors that are consistent with maintaining friendships. It’s always beneficial to expose your kids to positive role models throughout their childhood and teen years.
[READ: How to Overcome Social Anxiety.]
Typical Developmental Milestones
Keeping an eye on typical developmental milestones as your kid ages is important to ensuring they grow and move in a positive social emotional direction.
In the first few months of life, kids should start to show an interest in interaction — in other babies, mom, dad or their primary caregiver, Mendez says. Their eyes will light up in the process of seeing those families’ faces of whom they become attached.
The next natural progression is interest in the world around them and how they interact with the world. As that develops, typically that means there is more interest and more invitation from the child, especially with the bonded caregiver, Mendez says. As their world expands, “they invite in a sense — in a symbolic sense — others into their world of social experiences.”
This process of socialization teaches the baby or young child to integrate socially with others, she adds.
Once children hit two years old to preschool age, kids will start to explore their surroundings and ask questions. As they get older, the world really opens up to total strangers and kids that were raised very differently from them, Mendez says.
Even staying on track with typically developmental milestones, some kids are shyer than others and may still struggle to connect. Whether you’re a parent or caregiver or educator who works with kids, there are ways to encourage children to make friends and build connections.
During these early years, setting up regular playdates can help. Discussing what makes a good host and picking out some ideas for games and activities ahead of time can ensure a successful playdate.
How to Make Friends in Middle School
Making friends can be an essential and rewarding part of a child’s social development. Here are ways to help kids build and maintain connections:
— Build self-esteem.
— Help ease friendship anxiety.
— Encourage group-based activities.
— Teach social skills.
— Facilitate peer-to-peer inclusivity.
— Lead by example.
[READ: Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues in Boys and Men.]
Self-esteem
“Make sure their self-esteem is intact,” Stark emphasizes.
Children with healthy self-esteem are often more confident in social situations. When they have a positive image of themselves, they’re also more likely to believe others will like them and see them this way too.
A better sense of self will also help children cope with social challenges and rejection. Having a high level of resilience will help them bounce back from social setbacks, such as a disagreement with a peer.
Friendship anxiety
Friendship anxiety, or social anxiety, may cause kids to feel excessively fearful or nervous to engage with others in a social setting.
Encouraging open communications with your child and validating those feelings can let them know that experiencing anxiety is normal. Creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment will help them feel comfortable addressing feelings.
Encouraging them to practice their social skills and take small steps — from starting with saying hello to a neighbor to organizing a small, one-on-one peer outing — may help boost their confidence in a real-life social setting.
Group-based activities
Navigating how to make friends at school can be a daunting task. Group-based activities can help foster a sense of community around a shared interest.
Whether it’s a club, group or sports activity, help your child find something that they can do that they’re interested in, Stark suggests. Other examples include churches, organizations with teen groups or local arts classes.
“And even if you’re quiet, sooner or later you’re going to talk because you’re interested,” she says.
As a parent or caregiver, you need to take an active interest too. Stark says you should ask questions like, “Who did you talk to?” to help keep them engaged.
Friendship coaching
Parents and caregivers play an important role in building social skills. Even so, you may find your child needs additional support.
Professional support from a therapist or a school-based counselor may help children who experience difficulty forming connections and maintaining friendships. Friendship coaching could take the form of teaching kids to play with others, helping children learn to form common interests with peers or helping them resolve disagreements.
Peer-to-peer inclusivity
Teachers and educators play an essential role in encouraging inclusivity among peers.
In some schools, they’ll have something called a “buddy bench,” where you could sit if you don’t have anyone to play with, Stark says.
When Stark works with kids, she also has them look around to see who’s left out.
Building empathy among peers, and helping them recognize when others may need a little extra help, can be instrumental in promoting inclusivity and avoiding anyone being left out.
Importance of role models
Your kids watch and observe everything you do as parents, caregivers and teachers. You play a vital role in shaping your child’s attitudes, behaviors and values. In a world of bullying, make sure you’re not contributing.
Make sure to model respectful and inclusive behavior, establishing the norm that treating others with kindness, respect and empathy is the right way to interact with others. Treating your child with empathy and compassion will also help them develop an important understanding around caring for feelings of others, which is essential to building strong, lasting relationships.
How to Make Friends as a Teenager
Making friends as teenagers can be more challenging and complex than when they were younger. Teenagers are really beginning to develop their identities, meaning they’re in a stage of self-discovery that comes with complicated feelings and increased complexity to connect.
High school also comes with its own challenges. In addition to added academic pressure and responsibilities, high schoolers are prone to cliques, social hierarchies and the ultimate desire to fit in. On top of that, the prevalence of social media adds on a layer of complexity that didn’t exist 10 to 15 years ago.
Especially with social media, teaching teenagers that they can say no, letting them know it’s OK to disconnect and that they can choose their connections is important, Mendez says.
As kids get older, here are ways to make friends in their teenage years:
1. Join a group-based extracurricular activity. Your school may have extracurricular sports or clubs that interest you. You can also check with your local community center for ideas.
2. Volunteer for a cause you’re passionate about in the community. This may help you connect with other like-minded individuals, all while helping the community.
3. Attend a skills-based workshop or class. Bonding with others who are passionate about dance, art, music or another skill of interest is a great way to connect.
4. Join an online community. Participating in online communities to discuss similar interests can help you dip your toes in the water when it comes to making conversation. However, be cautious about who you’re connecting with.
In addition, make sure to be yourself and stay open-minded when trying to form connections with peers. You never know who may turn out to be a friend for life.
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Understanding Kids’ Friendship Struggles: Common Causes and Solutions originally appeared on usnews.com
Update 01/17/24: This story was published at an earlier date and has been updated with new information.
