When you’re a busy parent and find yourself caring for your own aging mom and dad, you may be willing to accept help from anyone who’ll lend a hand — a spouse, a sibling, a friend or neighbor. But should the caregiving team also include your children?
For many busy households, the answer is yes. “A lot of times there’s a grandparent in the home and both parents are working, and most families we work with are unable to afford respite care. And sometimes it’s the family culture or dynamic. In many Spanish-speaking or Haitian homes, there’s an expectation that you help provide care to an older person in your home. It’s a matter of respect,” says Michelle Dolan, director of the Caregiving Youth Project in Boca Raton, Florida, a group that works with youth caregivers.
[Read: Coping With Stress When You’re in the Sandwich Generation.]
Caregiving Kids
A 2005 report from the National Alliance on Caregiving suggested the U.S. has about 1.4 million youth caregivers between the ages of 8 and 18. Most are helping an older adult (a grandparent) who has chronic disease such as dementia, heart disease, lung disease or diabetes. And most youth caregivers (75 percent) are part of a caregiving team, along with other family members.
The report found that kids often help their grandparents with one or more activities:
— Getting dressed, eating, bathing or using the bathroom
— Preparing meals
— Taking medications
— Going grocery shopping
— Doing household chores, like cleaning a kitchen or making a bed
— Communicating with doctors and nurses
But sometimes children are more involved in supporting their parents’ roles as caregivers. “It may be a strategy of having the grandchild help you with activities that make your life easier so you can concentrate on the grandparent,” says Richard Schulz, a geriatric psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.
That could mean doing household chores or spending time with a grandparent while you cook dinner.
[See: 14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves.]
Risks and Benefits for Kids
Adding kids to the caregiving team has risks and benefits. On the plus side, it helps kids with character development. “Honoring someone older with a slowed pace of life, who doesn’t have as many physical capabilities, helps build kids’ kindness, social intelligence, generosity and ability to have compassion and nurturance,” says Roger Olson, a clinical child psychologist at St. Luke’s Children’s Center for Neurobehavioral Medicine in Boise, Idaho.
Indeed, the 2005 report from the National Alliance on Caregiving found youth caregivers felt more appreciated than noncaregiving kids, with 79 percent of 8- to 11-year-old caregivers feeling appreciated “a lot” for their help.
But there are downsides, too. The report found that the burden of caregiving can sometimes cause kids to miss school, fall behind in their school work or experience the following:
— Feelings or worthlessness or being unloved
— Difficulties getting along with others
— Disobedience at school
Kids are more likely to experience negative side effects when they perform more than one personal care task, like feeding a grandparent, or live in the same home as the care recipient. “The issue is burden,” Schulz says. “All caregiving can be a burden. But it’s more challenging when it’s imposed on a child versus an adult daughter.”
There’s also an issue of appropriate activity. “If the child or even a teen has to bathe the grandparent or change a diaper, that’s probably too much. It could be traumatizing,” Olson says.
How would you know your child is uncomfortable, overburdened, depressed or stressed in a caregiving role? Olson advises that you watch for:
— Social withdrawal. Are they isolating in their rooms more? That can be a sign of depression.
— Irritability. Is the child easily irritated or experiencing mood swings?
— Signs of impatience. “Is there eye rolling? Are they being disrespectful to you or your parents?” Olson asks.
[See: How to Help Aging Parents Manage Medications.]
Risks and Benefits for Older Adults
Having kids on the caregiving team is typically a big plus for grandparents. More than an extra set of hands to help out, it provides social connection, which is key to warding off loneliness and isolation in older age, a major risk factor for developing chronic disease.
Having child caregivers also enables older adults to:
— Experience close relationships. “This can bring you joy and bring you closer to people who are important to you,” Schulz says.
— Feel they’re contributing to a child’s life. “It’s like paying the child back for the time and attention they’re offering,” Schulz says. “You can share your wisdom and life experience.”
But there are sometimes drawbacks for older adults when kids are on the caregiving team. It may be embarrassing for the grandparent when a child helps with personal care like bathing.
The much bigger problem, however, is feeling that you’re a burden. “It can lead to feelings of guilt or contribute to sadness or depression,” Schulz explains. Even worse, the older adult may deny themselves care because they don’t want to be a burden on others. “It may mean you ask for help once a day instead of three times a day. You end up having unmet needs,” he says.
What You Should Do
Both experts recommend that parents talk to their kids about how much they’d like to be involved in the care of an older loved one. “Have a discussion with them when the grandparent isn’t there. Ask if they’re comfortable and if they want to be more or less involved,” Olson suggests.
You can also use your own judgment as a parent and set limits. “Don’t expose kids to things they can’t handle at their age, like personal care and toileting,” Olson advises. “A teen can handle a lot more than a 10-year-old. A 5-year-old can brush hair. It might be more appropriate for a teenager to help someone with physical care. You have to gauge where the kids are.”
And ensure that caregiving duties aren’t interfering with other parts of the child’s life. “If the tasks impact school performance or social activities and remove them from their ability to carry out their normal life, then I would have concerns,” Schulz says.
What if kids don’t want to be involved at all? “There has to be compromise. Don’t let them get out of dinner clean up, if that’s their normal chore. But make accommodations where you can. They should be required to help some, but not have to do it all if they want to be less involved,” Olson explains.
The key, then, is balance. “Allow kids to connect to their grandparents and value the relationship, and let the grandparent enjoy the relationship,” Olson says. “Set appropriate limits and know that it’s good for them both to be involved.”
More from U.S. News
How to Help Aging Parents Manage Medications
14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves
Coping With Stress When You’re in the Sandwich Generation
Should Parents Add Kids to the Family Caregiving Team? originally appeared on usnews.com
