Up until recently, I focused my work on girls. I wanted to help them develop the skills and confidence they needed to become capable and caring adults.
But don’t we want the exact same things for our boys?
Of course we do! We want our boys to be confident, resourceful and brave. But there’s one more thing: We want them to be respectful of girls and women, too.
In order to get our boys to develop healthy attitudes toward the opposite sex, we should teach them the exact same social and emotional skills that we teach our girls. Because we’re trying to raise kind, compassionate, capable human beings here, right?
[Read: What Dads Can Do to Make the World Safer for Their Daughters.]
Instead of following gender stereotypes and only teaching our girls certain traits — like how to share their emotions, be vulnerable and articulate their feelings — we should teach all of our kids these important skills. It’s crucial that our kids learn to identify how they feel and have the bravery to express it out loud — especially in today’s distracted digital world.
Our homes are our boys’ first and most influential classroom. The earlier we teach them, the sooner these respectful, communicative, kind behaviors will become their default way of interacting in the world. As parents, we can use the same techniques we’d use for girls: hands-on teaching and honest conversations. But with our boys, we should also make sure to correct those inaccurate, old-school ways of thinking about what’s “unmanly” or “uncool.”
We’ve got to raise the bar and set the same expectations for everyone. So how can we make sure our boys learn the same social and emotional skills as our girls? And how can we instill in our boys a healthy attitude toward the opposite sex? Here are some ideas:
Practice social and emotional learning.
Lots of us consider some character traits to be more “feminine” than others, like talking about our feelings. But we should raise our boys to see that there is so much value in being vulnerable and communicating how we feel because these particular skills lead to productive and intimate relationships.
Instead of hiding their feelings, encourage boys to label their feelings and express them. According to experts, the skill of looking inward, pinpointing an emotion and communicating it to others goes a long way toward preventing outbursts and violence in men. Bottling it up, however, does the opposite.
We need to make sure we’re not encouraging our boys to hide their feelings or feel ashamed when they’re sad or upset. Doing that actually decreases their ability to feel empathy. If our boys are able to get in touch with their own feelings, they can better identify how others around them are feeling. And everybody loves that guy who’s super emotionally aware.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Avoid stereotypes.
We’re no longer living in a world where the “tough guy” approach to masculinity does our boys any good. In fact, it does exactly the opposite. Saying things like “man up” or “boys don’t cry” isn’t healthy because when boys don’t feel it’s OK to express their feelings, bottling them up becomes their default way of handling the negative stuff.
Instead, boys should feel comfortable having a conversation when something is bothering them. As a parent, you can ask what’s wrong, allow them to open up, be there for them and listen without any judgment.
Mainstream media often teaches that it’s OK for men to take their anger out on women, or that it’s normal for men to get angry if women don’t give them the attention they “deserve.” As parents, we have to combat that belief by talking about it with our kids when we see it in the media. You’d be surprised, but most parents aren’t doing that. According to one Harvard survey, a majority of young people have never talked with their parents about the different forms of misogyny.
Talk honestly and openly about feelings, and how boys should treat girls.
It’s important to know what causes men to degrade women, because those behaviors can often stem from childhood. Research shows that when boys feel shame about their vulnerable feelings, they may be more likely to lash out. The same goes for bullying.
In our culture, vulnerability is synonymous with weakness and feelings of inadequacy. Rather than acknowledge that we feel vulnerable, we buy into the idea that we are less than, not worthy of belonging. It is the struggle for worthiness and belonging that leads to bullying.
So what can you do as a parent? Call out negative behaviors or remarks when they happen. Stop using words like “wimpy” or “sissy” when what you’re actually describing is vulnerability. The ability to be vulnerable and share your emotions is an important part of intimacy, and those boys who have problems with intimacy often have problems with women in the future.
The experts agree that honest and open conversation is the best way to overcome these negative behaviors. Ask your boys why they think other boys or men might degrade women. Ask them what it means to be a boy. Listen to what they say, but don’t cater to stereotypes. Instead, help them see around stereotypes, and talk about what it means to be respectful to all women and all people. Talk about misogyny and why it’s not OK.
Let boys know that it’s normal to be vulnerable, to cry and to ask for help. So many of us unknowingly send the opposite message when we’re talking to boys.
Teach boys to value girl (space) friends, too.
Focus not just on girlfriends, but girl friends! Make sure your boys develop friendships with girls.
Relationships are one of the most important parts of our lives when it comes to well-being, happiness and cultivating life skills. But in the case of raising boys, opposite-sex friendships may be especially important.
Friendships with girls are valuable because they teach respect for females and a healthy attitude toward women from an early age. They get our boys comfortable talking with girls, experiencing intimate conversations and identifying and articulating their feelings.
Having girl friends helps boys choose language and coping mechanisms over bottling up their feelings. Having female friends will help boys learn about complex and complicated (and sometimes icky or awkward) emotions, so they can learn to name their feelings beyond just “sad” or “happy.” This does wonders for our kids’ emotional well-being.
[Read: Building Up Boys.]
Young boys also learn to stand up for their friends. In the case of female friends, that means speaking out against misogynists and others who might degrade them. Learning to care about girls, show bravery and defend them against what they see as inappropriate behavior goes a long way in helping boys develop empathy and grow up to be men who view women as equals.
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Raising Boys Who Treat Girls Well originally appeared on usnews.com
