If you’ve ever fought about money with a spouse, you can take solace in the fact that similar money talks take place across the country.
In fact, many studies have shown that relationships are often destroyed or damaged by fights over finances. According to a survey released by TD Bank in July, which polled 1,749 U.S. adults, one-third of married couples reported arguing about money at least once a month. Of those surveyed, 18 percent cited worries about saving enough money for retirement as a main source of frustration, trailed by 14 percent who reported concerns over not having enough money to pay day-to-day bills and 12 percent who clashed over how to pay off debt.
So, if you want a harmonious marriage, dodge these common financial pitfalls to build the foundation for a bright financial future together.
[Read: How Couples Handle Money at Every Stage in Their Relationships.]
Hiding debt from your spouse. This happens often, particularly with those digging out of student debt, says Eugene Park, founder and CEO of Honeydue, an app for helping couples manage money. He says that the topic of spouses hiding student debt has come up when interviewing consumers who have used the app.
“It’s easy to understand why [people hide student debt] — these debts are difficult to talk about and are often asymmetric between partners,” Park says. But he points out that if you hide what you owe from your partner, you may “perpetuate cycles of behavior that lead to even more debt.”
For instance, if your spouse is unaware of the debt you have accumulated, he or she may suggest spending money on things your household can’t really afford, like a new car rather than a used one. And in that instance, you might agree, because you don’t want to rock the boat by mentioning all of that hidden student debt you owe.
“It’s hard to save money if your life partner isn’t on the same page,” Park says. To get on the same wavelength, Park suggests strategizing together to pay down debts, and that requires “shared discipline.”
If you are concealing debt, it’s wise to come clean immediately. After all, successful marriages are built on trust, and if you are hiding debt, and your spouse finds out on his or her own, you’ve given him or her a reason to wonder if you’re trustworthy. That’s one reason why many people hate the idea of prenuptial and postnupital agreements, which determine how money and assets are split in the event of a divorce or death. One partner may worry that the person requesting a prenuptial or postnuptial contract doesn’t trust that the marriage will last.
[Read: For Richer or Poorer: How 5 People Co-Manage Money With a Significant Other.]
Putting your money at risk — without your partner’s approval. Gambling is certainly problematic in a marriage, but even investing can also be a dicey proposition if you go about it the wrong way. Brannon Lambert, a financial advisor and owner of Canvasback Wealth Management in Raleigh, North Carolina, says that in his 18 years of being a financial advisor, he has seen quite a few marriages fall apart over money issues , particularly when one spouse wants to have full control over the financial decisions. And according to Lambert, a situation that pops up frequently is when one spouse decides to take more risks with their shared retirement accounts.
Lambert remembers talking to a wife who was distressed because her husband had moved their accounts into day trading. “He managed to lose over 70 percent of both of their IRAs … in an up market,” Lambert says.
Wondering why safeguards wouldn’t prevent a spouse from trading away a partner’s retirement savings? Lambert points out that many spouses know each other’s passwords and usernames, so in some cases, like if you’re both monitoring your retirement accounts through an online website, an unscrupulous spouse can trade your investments. Ensuring a professional manages your accounts can also protect your finances.
Committing financial infidelity. Spending your combined household income — without mentioning it to your spouse first — can put a significant strain on your relationship, says Scott Stevens, a financial advisor with California Wealth Transitions in San Diego. Stevens recalls one client purchasing a vintage Jeep, solely to take to the beach when he went surfing, without consulting his wife. As a result, they have been in counseling for about two years now, Stevens says.
In another instance, Stevens recalls a wife hiring an interior decorator and putting down a nonrefundable $10,000 deposit. “The husband was furious and didn’t mind letting me know, and possibly his neighbors, during an in-home review,” Stevens says.
Fortunately, money issues can be avoided if more people talk to their partner about their finances. You may also find that you avoid falling into bad habits that ultimately lead to poor credit if you’re both making financial decisions together.
Avoiding discussing your financial history and goals with your partner. Neglecting to talk about money with your spouse can be very destructive to a marriage, says Kathleen Burns Kingsbury of Waitsfield, Vermont. She specializes in wealth psychology (a discipline that focuses on understanding why and how people spend their money) and owns KBK Wealth Connection, a consulting company that trains, coaches and consults with financial professionals.
“Most couples don’t know how to engage in a healthy money talk, and if they can’t do it before marriage, it certainly doesn’t get easier when you are married,” Kingsbury says.
Much of having a productive conversation about your household finances with your spouse simply involves being comfortable talking about money. If you have kids or plan to have children, Kingsbury says that parents should talk with their kids about money. Why? If they grow up in an environment where they’re comfortable discussing money, they’ll likely be able to discuss their financial situation openly later in life.
Money shaming is another issue, according to Kingsbury. If you and your partner constantly judge how you manage money, you’re setting each other up for potential problems. “For example, if you have a large student or credit card debt and you have not told your partner, it is often because of the fear of rejection or judgment,” Kingsbury says, adding, “What starts off as ‘I will tell him or her later’ turns into something that you need to hide and then snowballs into a betrayal when the truth is finally discovered.”
[See: 7 Signs Your Romantic Partner Is Financially Unstable.]
“Couples spend so much time criticizing each other’s financial habits as opposed to highlighting each other’s strengths,” Kingsbury says.
The irony is that all of this conflict over money, if addressed head on rather than running away from it, can be good for a marriage, Kingsbury says. “Spouses who talk about money regularly report higher marital satisfaction, and couples who have money conflicts but then work through them report that working through the conflict increases intimacy.”
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