When we think of childhood, we often think of the good times or the halcyon days of youth. In truth, however, childhood and the adolescent years can be quite trying for kids who have a tough time making friends.
There are a variety of reasons why kids of all ages might have difficulty engaging others. There are also lots of reasons it’s important for children to have friends. Everyone wants to be part of a group, and this is especially the case for children and adolescents. Who doesn’t want to be acknowledged and accepted?
But some kids have difficulty making friends, while others may have an easier time developing friendships but a harder time maintaining those relationships. And, of course, there are children who go through friend groups quickly and who rotate best friends even more rapidly. I am always surprised how fast some kids I see in my office — boys and girls — make these kinds of changes in their social circles.
[See: What to Do When Your Friends’ Kids Drop Your Child From Their Group.]
Your children may or may not tell you that they are having trouble with friendships. They may be embarrassed or not quite sure what’s happening with their peers. It’s important for parents to be good observers here. If your kids are young, ask their teachers how they’re doing socially. Take note of whether they are being invited to play dates. Observe whether your middle and high school kids are getting invited to sleepovers and other group events. There is lots of group activity going on during these years. If your teen is spending most weekends at home and alone, this is probably not entirely by choice. She or he is probably not being included. That can’t possibly evoke a warm feeling, even for the most introverted. Keep in mind that introverts, too, want to be invited even if they don’t always want to participate.
There are a number of reasons kids may have trouble making friends, and (though this is by no means an exhaustive list) they often fall into two general categories:
— Some kids are simply shy and anxious. This can lead to difficulty engaging comfortably with peers. Because of their temperament and lack of comfort, they may choose to hang back and be avoidant.
— Some kids have social difficulties. Their interpersonal skills are lacking, which puts off peers and makes it tough to develop friendships. They may not read social cues properly. They may be controlling or aggressive or talk only about themselves and show little interest in others. Or, they may be too clingy and possessive, needy or even a bit mean or sarcastic. No one of any age finds these qualities endearing.
Read: 3 Ways to Help a Child Cope With Being Dumped by a Friend.]
If you believe that your kids are anxious or shy, you certainly can help them in a number of ways. For the younger kids, you can arrange play dates and even take your kids to group activities, so that their exposure to others gradually leads to an increased level of comfort. Practice is a big component of social comfort.
If your child has problems with social skills, observe them in interactions to see how they may be putting off their peers. Do you find your kids difficult to interact with? If so, consider that they may be interacting similarly with peers. Discuss these issues with your children, but do so gently and gingerly so that your kids don’t become ashamed and angry. Provide them with opportunities to practice and hone their social skills. Sign them up for activities they’re interested in. This is a chance to both practice social skills and engage in an activity that the child enjoys.
Always keep in mind that you are an important role model for your child. Ask yourself if you are modeling behaviors that are consistent with maintaining friendships. It’s always beneficial to expose your kids to positive role models throughout their childhood and teen years.
[Read: Help for the Shy and Lonely Child.]
Be patient in helping your children develop new relationships. We all learn how to engage others more effectively throughout our lives. This is an ongoing process.
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The Most Common Reasons Kids Have Trouble Making Friends originally appeared on usnews.com
