9 passive-aggressive office phrases, decoded
“Glad you made it in,” the receptionist calls as you walk into the office 10 minutes late. When you make it to your desk, you read notes from your boss about your project, but you can’t quite decipher the tone of her email. Then, for the third time this week, your colleague jokes about your messy work station … but he may not be kidding.
This kind of passive-aggressive communication abounds in the workplace. Rather than use “honest and open” language, “passive-aggressive communicators often use underhand and manipulative tactics to get what they want,” wrote Violet Dhu, communication skills consultant for Corporate Communication Experts, in an email.
Click through to discover the hidden meanings behind common passive-aggressive work phrases and learn why this language proliferates in the office.
Why it’s used
Direct communication is clear and intelligible. Passive-aggressive communication is confusing — and unpleasant.
“It’s a way to put someone else down to try to get your point across,” says Ben Decker, CEO of Decker Communications consulting firm. “Not only do we question what you’re saying and meaning; we also feel pretty awful after you say it.”
This makes passive aggression especially ill-suited to office environments, where straightforward correspondence and cordial relations are important for productivity and morale. So why is it used?
“People use passive-aggressive behavior because they are resentful about something, but, for whatever reasons, they are unable or unwilling to express this anger honestly,” Dhu says. “If we drill down behind the passive-aggressive behavior, we will find it is a mask for anger.”
Expressing frustration or disappointment at work may lead to conflict, and many people prefer to avoid confrontation, says Gini Dietrich, CEO of public relations firm Arment Dietrich. They may fear being accused of bullying, Dhu says, or worry about retribution for openly sharing their opinions.
Ironically, sometimes even attempts to be thoughtful veer into passive aggression.
“I believe people are being passive aggressive because they don’t want to offend. They think it’s a nice way to lean in or help push,” Decker says. “The opposite is what happens. The listener hears it, questions it and thinks it’s attacking or being dismissive. It tends to be a lose-lose.”
What it means
Although passive aggression often feels intentional to the recipient, many people don’t realize their words, tone and behaviors come across that way, Decker says. Some workplaces are simply rife with this style of communication and people get in the habit of using it.
In certain instances, though, passive aggression hints that there is “animosity between you and your boss” or colleagues, Dietrich says.
That’s why it’s important to be able to decipher the following phrases and behaviors.
‘Thanks in advance.’
Who among us hasn’t encountered this tiny-but-deadly phrase, or its even more poisonous progeny, the initialism “TIA”?
It alleges to convey gratitude for the future completion of some task. But it seems suspiciously more like a command than an expression of thanks.
The phrase is “assumptive” and “directive,” says Decker, “meaning, you’re going to do it no matter what.”
You’ll often hear it when someone is requesting work from you that is “completely out of the scope” of your responsibilities, Dietrich says. It’s your boss’s way of saying, “‘I’m expecting you to do this even though it’s not your job.'”
‘That’s actually a decent idea.’
Ouch. This phrase practically drips with disdain leaking directly from the key word: “actually.”
“The word ‘actually’ makes it sound surprising,” Decker says. “The word ‘actually’ makes the listener think the speaker didn’t think it was possible.”
If someone says this to you, they’re implying “all your other ideas are stupid,” Dietrich says.
‘No one else has a problem with that.’
You’ve worked up the courage to share a concern with your boss only to be met with a response that’s “flat-out dismissive,” Decker says.
“It’s meant to make you feel like a lone island,” Dietrich says.
What your boss really means is, “‘You’re a jerk and you have a problem with everything,'” Dietrich says. “‘Why are you being the only dissenting voice?'”
‘I don’t hate it.’
The lack of enthusiasm here says it all. Whoever utters this is “obviously unhappy with the results,” Decker explains, “basically saying, ‘I don’t like it, it’s not up to par, but it’s not going to kill us.'”
If the speaker were more thoughtful, he or she might have chosen a more constructive way to express this sentiment, such as “‘I like that, and why don’t we also try this, too?'” Dietrich says.
‘Have you had a chance to … yet?’ ‘Just checking in about … ‘
A co-worker who uses these phrases may genuinely wonder about your work progress.
Or he might simply mean, “‘You missed the deadline,'” Dietrich says. If these questions have been directed at you, “even if there wasn’t a stated deadline, you’ve missed the opportunity to say, ‘When would you like that?'”
‘Do you want to … ?’
This subtle framing makes an instruction sound like a request.
“It makes the person wonder, ‘Are you telling me to do it or leaving it up to me?'” Decker says.
Don’t be fooled, though. If this pitch comes from your boss, you can’t really decline it. And when you hear it, Dietrich says, there’s a good chance you’re being asked to tackle something nobody else wants to do.
“It seems like it’s an honor, but it adds more work to your plate,” she says.
Emailing the entire staff to lecture one person.
Classic avoidance. This type of message might circulate if someone is stealing other people’s lunches, or smoking in the bathroom, but the boss is too timid to directly confront the individual who is behaving badly.
“I think every corporation on earth is guilty of this,” Dietrich says.
The boss says ‘we’ when she really means ‘you.’
You’ve got sole responsibility for a big report. As you prepare it, your boss pops into your office to ask, “When do we think we’ll have this finished?” Later, when she presents the report to the board of directors, she says, “We worked hard to prepare this document.”
You must have missed the part where she contributed to the project.
Leaders who truly work collaboratively with their employees can get away with this kind of framing, Dietrich says, because they really are “in the trenches.”
Otherwise, Decker says, “the royal ‘we’ is a dangerous thing to use.”
‘As per my email below … ‘
When the modern workplace dies, this will be its epitaph. It’s the ultimate office burn, especially if your boss is copied on the email.
If this message hits your inbox, it means “you missed something you’re supposed to be doing,” Dietrich says. “Probably you will discover that you have been asked for something specific, or someone has given you a deadline.”
How to respond to passive aggression
If your boss or co-workers use passive aggression with you only occasionally, give them the benefit of the doubt and let it pass, Dietrich recommends. But if it’s constant, you may want to do what they’re not brave enough to do: Address the problem directly.
Tell them privately, “‘When you say things like this, it makes me defensive, and here’s why,'” Dietrich says. “Make it about how you feel and not how the person is approaching you. That tends to work.”
If there’s so much passive aggression in your office that it’s “a cultural epidemic and it doesn’t seem like you can make any change, find a new job,” Dietrich suggests. It may be the only way to preserve your sanity — and prevent you from adopting the same bad communication habits.
More from U.S. News
10 Jobs That Offer Millennials Good Work-Life Balance
What 9 Passive-Aggressive Office Comments Really Mean originally appeared on usnews.com
