Mother’s Day can be painful for many childless women.
Millions of women who are childless not by choice grapple with the emotional pain of not having a daughter or son every day, says Saskia Röell, a fertility coach based in Rockport, Massachusetts. For these women, the heartache of not being a mom is particularly acute on Mother’s Day. That’s when moms worldwide get floral arrangements, breakfast in bed and other expressions of love from their children. But for millions of women, Mother’s Day isn’t a cause to celebrate — instead, it’s a painful reminder that they have been unable to have children or that they are childless because of their life’s circumstances. About 12 percent of women and teenage girls in the U.S. between the ages of 15 and 44 have impaired fertility, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Mother’s Day is one of the hardest times of the year for women who can’t conceive,” Röell says. She’s the author of “The New Code of Motherhood: Love Motherhood, Live Your Soul’s Calling and Raise Kids Who Thrive.” Watching others celebrate the day can be “a very real reminder of the heartache and disappointment women can fell when experiencing infertility,” she says. But Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be joyless for women who have fertility issues. Experts recommend these nine short- and long-term strategies:
Remember, you’re not alone.
If you’re struggling with not being a mother, you may feel alone, says Melanie Notkin, the New York City-based author of “Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness.” She’s also the founder of savvyauntie.com, an online community for “cool aunts, great aunts, godmothers and all women who love kids.” Notkin, 49, says she coined the term “circumstantial infertility” to refer to women like herself who are childless because they would prefer to start a family with a loving partner and haven’t found the right mate. In recent years, the number of childless women in their early 30s has increased, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey’s fertility supplement. In 1976, 35 percent of teenagers and women between the ages of 15 and 44 were childless, meaning they had never given birth; in 2016, that number had risen to 49 percent, according to the Census Bureau’s Report on Fertility. That number didn’t rise because more women became infertile, Notkin says.
Find support, online or in real life.
Joining a community of women facing similar challenges can provide an important source of emotional support, Röell says. “The fertility journey is such a lonely, hard journey in which no one knows what you’re going through,” she says. “Your friends get tired of you talking about it, and your husband or significant other becomes weary at some point. Every month is like an emotional roller coaster: One day you’re hopeful, the next you’re hopeless and depressed. You feel like you’re the only one who’s struggling with it. The fact that women know they’re not alone, that there’s a lot of women who feel exactly the same, can help them in finding new ways to cope. The big thing is they don’t feel all alone.” To find a support group near you, Röell suggests visiting the website of Resolve: The National Infertility Association, a nonprofit nationwide network that promotes reproductive health and works to ensure quality access to all family-building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders. You can also find online support groups with online searches.
Avoid Mother’s Day celebrations.
“If you’re feeling vulnerable, stay away from Mother’s Day parties and celebrations,” says April Masini, who dispenses relationship counsel on her online “Ask April” advice forum at RelationshipAdviceForum.com. “These events may trigger negative feelings for you. As much as you want to be OK at these events, you aren’t. Respect those feelings and veer off. Instead, do your due diligence by sending flowers to your mother, grandmother, stepmother or friend who’s a mother a week or a few days before the actual date; take care of business early to avoid complications due to your feelings.” On Mother’s Day, take a road trip with your partner to do something special and romantic that celebrates you or yourselves as a couple, she says. If you’re single, host a brunch or some other event for the mothers in your life, or get together with other single and/or childless friends and bond over commonalities. “Don’t sink to a pity party, but but do acknowledge your feelings, your stories and what’s great in your lives — especially that you have each other. Schedule something fun — whether it’s a meal together, dinner and a movie together or a zoo trip together!”
Acknowledge your emotions.
When you’ve tried unsuccessfully to conceive, Mother’s Day isn’t just another day, says Dr. Lateefah Watford, adult, adolescent, child and forensic psychiatrist and chief of behavioral health services for Kaiser Permanente in Atlanta. “To countless women who have been unable to conceive, Mother’s Day often is a painful reminder of what they yearn to be,” Watford says. “It’s important for those women and those who love them to acknowledge how this holiday may impact them. It is important to be open and honest about how this holiday makes them feel.” Don’t be afraid to tell people in your life what you need, says Dr. Maria Costantini-Ferrando, an attending physician at the Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey’s facility in Englewood, New Jersey. “People tiptoe around you, and you end up feeling more alone. Tell other people if you’d like to get together that day or to acknowledge that you feel a sense of loss on Mother’s Day. Don’t be afraid to reach out to other people for any kind of support.”
Try meditation and exercise.
It’s easy to feel surrounded by Mother’s Day, with ads for flowers and other gifts ubiquitous on TV, online and on the radio. You hear people talking about it in the office, at the gym, in stores and “in our own heads,” Notkin says. If you’ve never meditated, Mother’s Day might be a good time to start. There are plenty of books and online resources that can help you get started. Notkin also suggests trying any of an array of free or low-cost apps, such as Insights Timer and Headspace, which can guide you in meditation. “The quieting of mind is beneficial to reducing stress, extending feelings of calm even after the meditation is done, and enabling you to focus on other things,” Notkin says. “Long walks, or a nature hike, can also help clear the mind. A long run can be a meditative practice.” Practicing yoga and tai chi can bring a lingering sense of peace and calm.
Do something nice for yourself.
Instead of ruminating on Mother’s Day, take extra time for self-care, says Anita Gadhia-Smith, a psychotherapist who practices in suburban Maryland and the District of Columbia. That could mean scheduling a massage, cuddling up on the couch with your significant other or by yourself with tea or coffee, going out to a restaurant for a meal, binge-watching a show you’d been meaning to see on Netflix, taking a walk in your favorite park or taking in a movie or a play, she says.
Consider other ways to use your maternal energy.
If you’re having difficulty conceiving or are childless because of your life’s circumstances, there are other ways to share your maternal instincts, Gadhia-Smith says. For example, you could mentor a less experienced work colleague or provide spiritual guidance to a younger relative. You can also engage your nurturing instincts by spending lots of time with and devoting attention to nieces and nephews. “Every moment an aunt spends with nieces and nephews is filled with her generosity of spirit and devotion,” Notkin says. “Babies are born from the womb. Maternity is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother. Pets can also provide a great deal of comfort. Gadhia-Smith knows a woman who was unable to conceive after multiple IVF treatments. She adopted three dogs, who became the center of her life. “They became her children,” the therapist says. “A lot of people are very, very attached to their pets and love them like children. People establish deep emotional ties with their pets. In human relationships, there can be ups and downs and deep ambivalence; with pets, it’s unconditional love.”
Create a vision board for your future.
On a board or large piece of paper, write a series of goals — a “vision board” — that collectively show what your life could look like over the next few years, Röell suggests. “A vision board creates an imprint on the brain that is more powerful than you may think,” she says. “Instead of spending Mother’s Day dreading about not being pregnant, it can open your mind to all the great things you have in life and all the dreams that you want to accomplish. Often women who have trouble conceiving put all of their dreams on hold. This vision board is a way to remind you to enjoy life, pursue your dreams and keep your vision to have a baby alive at the same time.”
Write about your experiences.
Writing down how you feel, whether in a private diary or in a sympathetic private Facebook group, can help you process your pain, Notkin says. Writing about her own grief over never becoming a mother publicly in media outlets and later for her memoir, “Otherhood,” helped Notkin deal with her pain. It also helped other women realize they’re not alone and helped them move forward. “I’d play songs I knew would make me feel emotional and cry it out as I wrote,” Notkin says. “Writing can be truly cathartic.” On Mother’s Day, Notkin suggests writing out a list of 10 things you’re grateful for, and then continuing to compile such a list on a daily basis. “Grief over childlessness can feel incredibly acute at times, and it’s important to acknowledge your pain,” she says. “But it’s even more important to keep moving forward, and the best way to do that is to acknowledge the things, experiences, achievements and people we are grateful for, whether it’s a sweet hug from a little niece or nephew, a friend who acknowledges your grief without judgment or the deep tissue massage you gave yourself as a gift just for making it through the day.”
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Being Childless Is Painful for Many Women: Here Are 9 Coping Strategies originally appeared on usnews.com
