A father I saw in my practice once asked me about his young son, who was acting up a lot, “Can’t he understand that we’re going through a rough time right now and just give us a little bit of a break?” The answer was no, he really couldn’t.
This boy was what I call the “barometer child” of that family. A barometer is a weather instrument that measures atmospheric pressure. A barometer child is one who picks up on the tension in a family and reacts to it.
Unfortunately, children don’t usually say, “Gosh, Mom and Dad, things have been kind of tense around here lately. Perhaps some active problem-solving or healthy self-care is needed!” Instead, they react to tension in the air by whining, squabbling with siblings, refusing to cooperate or misbehaving in other ways.
[Read: The Keys to Unlocking Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence.]
Barometer children can’t necessarily explain what’s wrong, they just feel and act out of sorts when the family environment becomes tense. If your family is experiencing a stressful time and you have a barometer child, here are some ways to help:
1. Look beyond the child.
Although we have to deal with children’s misbehavior in the moment when it occurs, if that misbehavior is frequent or regularly occurring, it’s worth thinking about the broader picture or what’s going on in the family.
A calmer home environment makes it easier for kids to feel calmer. Steps to reduce family stress could involve cutting down on activities or responsibilities, getting help with child care or working on speaking to your spouse in a kinder way. It could also mean taking care of yourself (perhaps by exercising, getting more sleep, eating well and spending time with friends), so you’re better equipped to be the kind of parent you want to be.
2. Talk about feelings and share information when appropriate.
If your family is going through a difficult time, talking honestly with your child in an age-appropriate way about what is happening and how you are feeling may be helpful. Obviously, you don’t want to burden your child with your most intense feelings or extremely private information. However, if your child senses something is not right, hearing you explain what’s going on is likely to be easier for your child to deal with than whatever your child might imagine. Talking about feelings and how to cope with them can also be an important learning opportunity for your child.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
3. Stick to routines.
In stressful times, routines can be comforting. They give children a sense of predictability, which is especially important when other life circumstances are changing or uncertain. When bedtime, meals, school and activities happen the way they usually do, the world feels more manageable for children.
4. Lower your expectations for your child and yourself.
If you’re feeling stretched thin by the demands of stressful events and circumstances, you may need to cut yourself and your child some slack. Pick your battles with your child. Maybe now isn’t the time to start potty training or insist on bed making. Also, question your “shoulds” — those things you feel like you should do just because you’ve always done them or your parents did them or you assume most parents do them. Maybe, at least for now, you can take some shortcuts. Or, maybe now is the time to abandon permanently some habits or traditions that just aren’t worth the time and effort.
[Read: Teaching Teens to ‘Just Say No’.]
5. Involve your child in solutions.
Most people feel better if they can do something about a stressful situation. See if your child has ideas about what he or she could do to help. You could also suggest some child-size actions that could be helpful, keeping in mind that children do best with small bursts of effort. You might say, “You could help by giving Daddy a hug” or “You could help by making sure you have your shoes on by 7:30” or “You could help me clear out the closet.” This is more doable than “You could help by never squabbling with your sister for the rest of your life!”
Barometer children are a gift. They can alert us to the emotional state of our family and encourage us to make positive changes and improve our coping.
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Do You Have a ‘Barometer Child?’ originally appeared on usnews.com
