In the past 15 years, there has been a sea change in how we define a “good father.” Dads today are expected to be involved in their kids’ lives in a way fathers have never been before. It’s no longer unusual to see men holding babies in a front carrier, changing a diaper, or at story hour. A survey by the National Center for Fathering found that over the last decade there were major increases in the percentage of dads who take their children to school, attend class events, help their kids with extracurricular activities and attend parent-teacher conferences.
This shift toward involved fatherhood didn’t happen because men woke up one day and decided we needed more diaper changing stations in men’s bathrooms. As women have moved into the workforce, many dads — some by choice, others by necessity — have begun to be more active at home.
There is good evidence that today’s fathers are doing more housework and child care than their own fathers did. For example, a study by Frank Stafford and his colleagues at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan found that that the amount of housework done by married men doubled between 1976 and 2005, while the amount done by married women decreased over the same period. By the same token, the 2013 American Time Use Survey and other studies by the Bureau of Labor Statistics have found that employed married women still spend almost twice as much time on housework and child care (2.6 hours a day) as their husbands do (1.4 hours per day).
The great news is that being an involved dad brings a wealth of riches — to kids, to moms, and to the dads themselves. The bad news is that modern dads have a lack of role models, mostly inflexible workplaces and relatively few parenting resources. In other words, most dads are, for better and for worse, creating and shaping this new role on the fly. On the positive side, dads today have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come. The question is whether or not we — and here I’m speaking to both moms and dads — will seize this opportunity.
[Read: Creating Your ‘Dad’s Vision Statement.’]
Modern moms can have a tremendous influence on how this next chapter of fatherhood plays out. The chances of a dad succeeding at being highly involved in his kids’ lives are much better if his wife, partner or co-parent is behind the mission.
Here are some things moms might consider when it comes to supporting men in being the best dads they can be:
Understand the legacy of your own father. The expectations you have for the father or your child or children are influenced, to some extent, by the relationship you had (or didn’t have) with your own father growing up. If, for example, you grew up with an emotionally distant father, you may find yourself having very high expectations — perhaps even unrealistically high — for the emotional connection your child’s father has with your kids. By the same token, this legacy of emotional disconnection may increase your sensitivity to this issue and result in your being extremely thankful for the ways your child’s father works hard at building a strong father-child bond. Thus, the important question is to what degree are you aware of how your own father’s legacy impacts — for better and for worse — your co-parenting relationship?
Speak up for what you want. If he isn’t living up to certain realistic expectations, share your concerns. Treat parenting issues as you would any other issue in a relationship; ask for what you want, negotiate and don’t play it all out in front of the kids. If you are truly unsatisfied with what you get, don’t pretend everything’s fine; resentment corrodes relationships. Get outside support if necessary.
[Read: Why Dads’ Should Get More Involved in Their Kids’ Schools.]
Encourage parenting competence. Far too few men were raised with the idea that nurturing and caretaking are essential qualities of any male, let alone that he should be preparing for fatherhood. The first baby many men hold in their arms is their own newborn. When dads are sidelined or considered less competent — whether in caring for a newborn or in making important child care decisions — an unhealthy cycle often occurs. Mom does more, feels confident as a parent, but eventually becomes resentful and overburdened. Dad does less, feels less competent as a parent and eventually feels resentful at being left out.
Value the father-child bond. Dads need to be encouraged — or as sometimes is the case, reminded — to make time to build their own unique relationships with their children. The research is clear: A close, emotionally connected dad-child relationship is a form of risk prevention and source of health and happiness for children, dads and families. Renowned researcher John Gottman found that children with emotionally available dads do better in school, have better relationships and relate better with teachers than children with more emotionally distant dads.
In my work with dads, I always emphasize that we as men must take responsibility for realizing a new vision of fatherhood. Our children depend on it and the women in our lives deserve it, and we, as men, need that vision. Women have traveled a great distance on the road from home to the world of work. They are not turning around. Now is the time for dads to ask more of ourselves as well.
[Read: Secure Attachment: Parenting From the Inside Out.]
Being a father is not something you are; it’s something you do. By showing up for our children and partners, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of our relationships, modern dads have only just set out on the road leading back home. Together we will find our way.
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The Influence of Moms on the Evolution of Dads originally appeared on usnews.com
