Carole Brody Fleet always loved to write. But when her husband Mike’s battle with the nervous system disorder ALS ended in 2000, the widowed mother of a 9-year-old really thrust herself into writing, focusing on a topic she never would have imagined covering.
“Nobody grows up saying, ‘I want to be a writer and I’m going to be in the bereavement genre,” jokes Fleet, who lives in Lake Forest, California. “I started thinking about all of the information that I had been looking for at the time of Mike’s death, and couldn’t find — it just wasn’t there.” The internet was still in its relative infancy and severely limited, Fleet says, in what it offered her to handle challenges she faced. “Basically you had your choice between chat rooms and porn, and I really didn’t need either one of those things,” laughs Fleet, who has retained her sense of humor through it all. “It wasn’t an avenue of support and information and education like it is today.”
So, just 40 at the time of her husband’s death, she set about writing books to fill the void, including “Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow” and “Happily Even After.” She covered topics from the ongoing healing process to making ends meet, as she found herself in financial ruin along with being in emotional ruin, she details.
[See: How Social Workers Help Your Health.]
Those familiar with the profound impact the loss of a spouse or partner can have on a person — both individuals who have lived it and researchers who’ve studied the effects — point out that it’s extensive, wide-ranging and varies significantly from one person to the next. Along with deep, prolonged sadness, some face a higher risk of a range of emotional and even physical health issues, from depression and anxiety to heart attack and stroke (as cardiovascular risk can increase).
Research published last year in the journal JAMA Psychiatry finds that risks for issues from sleep disorders to mood disorders (which include depression), post-traumatic stress disorder and deliberate self-harm are higher for a surviving spouse, when the partner dies by suicide. “It’s an extreme stressor,” says the study’s lead author Annette Erlangsen, an adjunct professor in the Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School’s Department of Mental Health in Baltimore and an associate professor at the Danish Research Institute for Suicide Prevention in Denmark, where the population research was conducted. The exact reasons for the impact are tough to parse out, but suggested factors that might explain the association include that there are some links between mental disorders and unhealthy lifestyles. “Another thing is that we know that stress impacts the immune system, so stressful life events are likely to lead to a lower activity level of the immune system — so you’re more prone to a wide range of disorders in this manner also,” Erlangsen says.
Even so, experts are careful to point out that uptick in risk is just that: It certainly doesn’t mean anyone grieving the loss of a partner to suicide or another cause will deal with mental or physical health issues. Far from it. But it’s important that individuals are supported in getting treatment for mental and physical health concerns that arise. And the visceral, layered and long-lasting impact the loss of a spouse or partner has, say those who’ve experienced it or studied its effects, make it all the more critical that well-meaning loved ones don’t in any way try to bracket grief.
“You don’t get to dictate somebody else’s healing timeline. It’s impossible, and it’s not OK,” Fleet says. “Because unfortunately what the grieving person hears is, ‘Well, I’m not over it, so something’s wrong with me.'” That can make the grieving process much more difficult.
“It’s not good ever to talk about getting over this, or pulling yourself together and getting on with it. That’s useless. In fact, it’s detrimental and harmful,” says Elizabeth Harper Neeld, an independent scholar and author of “Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World,” now in its fourth edition. Rather, there’s an opportunity “to integrate this into one’s life in a way that you always have been changed by it but are no longer dominated by it.”
The gift of time — providing support not only around the time of the funeral but after the “lasagna parade” ends, is especially valuable, points out Amy Ambuske DeGurian, an adjunct professor of social work at the University of Pittsburgh, who teaches a class on grief and loss. The immediacy of a death garners attention and focus, and “we as a collective are very good I think about making sure that we’re doing what’s appropriate or expected,” DeGurian says. While certainly cultural approaches to supporting those who’ve lost loved ones differ, she and other experts point out that frequently support for loved ones drops off fairly quickly following a person’s death.
[See: 9 Ways to Fight Loneliness.]
“Everybody is supportive in and around the funeral. Make a note on your calendar: Three weeks after the funeral, pick up a phone and say, ‘Hey, how you doing?'” Fleet encourages. “Because everybody else by then has gone on.”
Another thing you can do, which many avoid but shouldn’t, experts say: Talk about the deceased. DeGurian emphasizes that people who are grieving want to talk about the person they lost. “For many people, that is probably one of the most therapeutic opportunities,” she says. “It supports the idea that the person may be gone, but the memories aren’t. And if I have someone to share those memories with, that’s a gift.”
Fleet says it’s of course normal for others in that person’s circle to pick back up with what they were doing, say, at work and home, and not to be impacted in the same way as a partner is by the death of a spouse or partner. “There’s responsibility on the part of the bereaved as well to be understanding of other people,” she says.
But frequently Fleet stresses that people who are grieving find themselves marginalized or isolated. Invitations to couples’ events stop, oftentimes people not knowing what to say fade into the background or disappear from that person’s day-to-day life. “One of the things that we do see in the bereaved community is abandonment — and it can include members of families as well — sadly,” Fleet says.
She suggests being proactive to counteract that. Though it’s good to ask what a person needs, if you’re not sure, experts advise against waiting on a phone call from that person. “People make assumptions: ‘Well, I don’t want to bother them or they might be resting or they might not want to go anywhere, rather than actually picking up a phone and saying, ‘Hey, you want to go get a coffee or a lunch or a drink, or do you just need an ear to listen?'” Fleet says. “Don’t say, ‘Call me if you need anything,’ because the call will never come. To a bereaved person, that phone weighs 100 pounds. They’re not going to pick it up. Because we don’t want to be a burden on you.”
[See: 14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves.]
All things considered, making time to spend with a family or friend who has lost a partner — even if for brief, regular interludes, and not just now but over the long term if at all possible — is particularly helpful. “One of the greatest gifts you can give people is to be there a year from now, to be there 18 months from now,” Neeld says, “as long as it takes — to be willing to be available and understand that this process is still going on and has not reached a place of integration.”
More from U.S. News
6 Ways to Age Well and Save Money Doing It
Coping With Depression at Work
11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health
Not Gone, but Forgotten: For Some Who’ve Lost a Partner, Isolation Follows originally appeared on usnews.com
