Are you willing to participate in an experiment? It won’t take long. Just follow these directions:
— List the last three things your child did that required your correction or reminder.
— Now list the last three things your child did well, correctly and independently.
I’m guessing it was easier to remember the mistakes than the successes.
Even as you read these words, you’re also probably aware of any present body discomfort you’re experiencing rather than your comfort and ease. Biologically and psychologically, the human body is a negative feedback loop system. People are driven to behave when their system is out of balance. When your system is in balance, there is no signal that tells you everything is fine. When you are getting what you want, you don’t even notice. Rather, you are driven to behave when your perception of reality is different from what you want. It’s like a heating or air conditioning unit, another negative feedback loop system, which starts working when the ambient temperature is different from the target temperature.
[Read: The ‘Yes-Brain’ Approach to Parenting and Life.]
Your brain naturally notices all of your child’s uncooperative, slow-acting and misbehaving moments. You stop noticing when your child consistently follows your direction the first time you ask, or cooperates with a bedtime routine or completes homework without being reminded. In other words, when you get what you want from your child, there is no signal from your brain alerting you to pay attention. Instead your attention is drawn to the next task to be completed, errand to run or text to answer. Your brain alerts you to what is wrong.
The result? You spend more of your day correcting, nagging and pointing out your child’s mistakes than you do praising and thanking and counting the many blessings from your child during the day.
So why not start a new habit as the new year gets underway? Right now, notice something that is right, in balance and is just as you want or hope it to be. Perhaps it’s the temperature in the room, or feeling satiated and well-nourished, or the peace and quiet of your surroundings.
[Read: Help Your Kids Hit Their Stride By Practicing Gratitude.]
Now notice something that your child is presently doing that pleases you. Maybe this time she asked permission before using a kitchen utensil; perhaps your son cleared his place at the table without prompting; or maybe your children worked out a disagreement among themselves without it turning into a battle.
The great news is that during the day there are many more moments of harmony and balance in your world than those of upset. But because your brain is a negative feedback loop system, it’s programmed to notice all of the things you don’t want and potentially miss all that you already have that you want.
So take stock of what your child is doing well and joyfully, and tell your child. Make it a point to do this at regular intervals throughout the day, like at dinner. You might even set an alarm on your phone as a reminder to give them consistent positive feedback.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
This practice will help you lead a life that is more satisfying and happy on purpose. As you begin to notice all your child does well, all you do well, and all that is going right in your world, you will be astounded. Start now to work against your brain’s natural tendency to find what is wrong and ignore what is right. Instead of only complaining about your child, you will suddenly and happily be overwhelmed by all the good and joy you see in your child.
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How Parents Can Be Happy on Purpose originally appeared on usnews.com
