Parents often ask me how they can know if a child is being bullied when the child doesn’t want to talk about it.
It’s not always easy to detect. But if your child is being bullied, for the child’s own social, emotional and perhaps even physical health, it’s important that you know about it, and address the issue.
So what can you do if a child doesn’t exactly volunteer this information? Ask the right questions and pay attention to signs that a child is being bullied. Here are seven questions from my book on preventing bullying, “End Peer Cruelty, Build Empathy,” that you should ask to find out if your child is being bullied:
“Was it an accident?”
Unexplained marks, cuts and bruises, torn clothing, or loss of school supplies or lunch money could be bullying. If your kid has frequent bumps or bruises or says her belongings were taken again, dig deeper. Bullying is always an intentional — not accidental — act. “Did she do that on purpose?” “Did you tell him to stop?” “Did he keep going?” “Did she mean to be mean?”
[Read: How Parents Can Help Prevent Bullying.]
“Where do you sit?”
Deliberately leaving a child out is a form of bullying called exclusion. School cafeterias are where kids are most likely to be left out. One way to find out if this is happening is to have your child draw a map of the lunch area. Ask: “Where do you sit?” “Does anybody sit next to you?” “Where do the other kids sit?” If your child doesn’t have any ally, help him make a new friend or join a club that meets during lunchtime so he has support.
“Why don’t you use the school restroom?”
Bullying surveys reveal that many students are afraid to use the school bathroom for fear of being harassed. If your kid waits until he gets home to use the bathroom, ask: “Do kids feel safe using your school’s bathroom?” If bullying is the problem, talk to the teacher to find a safe alternative, like using the nurse’s bathroom, or walking to the restroom with a peer or after the bell rings.
“What do you do if you’re bullied?”
Kids must know how to report bullying incidents, and those procedures should be listed on the school website. Make sure your child is familiar with them. Ask: “Where do you report bullying?” “Who do you go to for help?” “What do teachers do if kids are bullied?” Your child’s reaction will help you gauge his feelings of safety and support.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
“Why are you walking a new way?”
Bullying is situational and usually happens in places where there is little or no adult supervision. If your child suddenly changes his path to school or avoids a certain area, it may be a sign of bullying. Dig deeper. “Why don’t you ride the bus?” “Why are you walking a longer way to get to class?” “Are teachers in the halls watching kids?”
“Who’s texting?”
Kids don’t always tell parents when they’re being harassed electronically — whether by text or online — but there are signs. Does he turn his cellphone over when a text or email appears? Is he visibly shaken after using the computer or does he clear the screen when you enter? There may be other reasons besides cyberbullying, but ask: “Why do you turn your phone over if I’m nearby?” “What did you not want me to see?” Also, Google your child’s first and last name in quotation marks periodically. If you see a sudden marked increase in his name online, it could be linked to cyberbullying. Then ask: “Why is your name popping up so often online?”
“Why can’t you sleep?”
A child who is bullied often worries about getting harassed, and that impedes sleep. She might have difficulties falling asleep or nightmares or look more worn out than usual. And exhausted kids are often more irritable and have trouble focusing. If you see a pattern, ask questions to find out the cause. “You aren’t sleeping well. What’s different at school?”
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
If you discover that your child is bullied, believe him, offer support, stress that you’ll find a way to keep him safe, and don’t stop until you do. Bullying must never be tolerated, and it’s up to adults to make sure every child feels safe.
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7 Questions to Ask If You Think Your Child Is Being Bullied originally appeared on usnews.com
