Your parents probably, at some point, had the “birds and the bees” talk with you or a discussion about the danger of drugs. You may well have had quite a few of those serious talks with your parents growing up, in fact.
But at some point, a reversal sometimes comes a lot later in life. Instead of your parents initiating “the talk,” you may be the one trying to guide them.
And if that occurs, chances are, your talk is going to revolve around money.
Maybe not, of course, or maybe it won’t go badly at all. Plenty of elderly parents are fully aware of their limitations and have a firm grasp on their financials and health. But if you have an aging or money-strapped parent who needs your help, and you’re not sure what to say to them, these ideas may work as conversation starters.
[See: 11 Money Tips for Older Adults.]
“Have you ever thought of selling your home and moving into a nursing home?”
Whether it’s this discussion or another difficult financial-related one, ease into the topic gradually, says Syble Solomon, a Hamilton, Montana-based financial education coach who specializes in the psychology of money.
“People can be really task-focused and forget the emotions of this charged topic,” Solomon says. “Most parents and their kids rarely discuss money, so it’s a new topic that’s notoriously emotional.”
You also should have a plan in place, or think about a possible plan and its details, before you suggest your parents move into a nursing home. Holly Wolf, a marketing executive who has worked extensively in banking and lives in Reading, Pennsylvania, says she has numerous conversations with older relatives about their money. In particular, she attempted to help an aunt and uncle move into a nursing home about seven years ago.
The good news? They wanted to make the move.
The bad news? Wolf didn’t ask enough questions about her aunt and uncle’s finances and took them on a tour of a nursing home her uncle and aunt were interested in before learning how much it would cost to live there.
“It was far, far beyond their budget,” she says.
Because her aunt and uncle, who have since passed on, were so excited about this particular place and then were so crushed when they couldn’t afford it, no other place looked appealing to them, Wolf says.
“They never moved,” says Wolf.
[See: 10 Money Leaks to Shut Down Now.]
“It’s time to give up driving.”
With any luck, your parents will be on top of this long before you need to say anything. But if you do, it’s important to stress why you think it’s time to hang up the car keys, says Ron Long, based out of St. Louis and the head of regulatory affairs and elder client initiatives at Wells Fargo Advisors.
“While certainly one would say the reason for the change is for the elder’s benefit, it’s also important to stress the potential impact on others,” Long says. “The injuries and lawsuits that might result from a driving accident often can help the elder understand why the proposed action to remove driving privileges is necessary.”
“It’s time for me to start paying your bills.”
If this conversation doesn’t go well, you may want to prudently utilize a third party, says Stacey Wood, a professor of psychology at Scripps College in Claremont, California, and a leading scholar on elder abuse.
For instance, Wood says you might suggest that your parent talk to their bank about an issue you’re concerned about.
Maybe you both agree to have the bank pay your parents’ monthly bills through automatic withdrawal.
But as others have cautioned, “keep it natural,” Wood says. “If you never talk about money with your aging parent, it will be especially awkward to launch cold into a discussion. … Start slowly.”
“Do you have a will? And do you have someone to be the executor?”
This can be tricky territory. You don’t want to come off as though you’re a vulture, circling overhead, waiting for your prey to collapse into a heap.
But you may be in a situation where you also don’t want your father to pass on and then have a good chunk of your inheritance go to his third wife’s stepson who has never met your dad. And maybe your dad doesn’t want that to happen either. Or, since your dad loves his spouse, maybe he does want that to happen. Still, better to discuss it now rather than later wish you had talked about it.
“Each person is different and may want to discuss finances for different reasons. I think it’s important to bring it up in a non-threatening way,” Wolf says.
For instance, with a will, Wolf says that you might ask your father something along the lines of: “Have you thought about the things and people that are important to you? How would you like to acknowledge them after you are gone? Have you considered what causes you want to support in your will?”
Nowhere in those comments, as you’ll note, are the contentious words: “What am I getting, and you aren’t leaving it to your stepson who you’ve never met, are you?”
[See: 10 Money Questions to Ask Your Parents.]
“How are we going to pay for your funeral?”
It’s a valid question. Funerals aren’t cheap. According to the most recent numbers from the National Funeral Directors Association, the national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial is $7,181. That doesn’t include extras like flowers, paying for an obituary or the cost of a gravestone.
Really, in most cases, you’ll probably have a sense of what the answer is. If your parents are on a fixed income and disorganized, it probably won’t be a shock if you learn there is nothing set aside for a funeral. What you do want to be thinking about is how you ask these questions, Long says.
For instance, maybe you’re not the best person to ask this type of question. If you have a sibling who has a better relationship or a better bedside manner, maybe he or she should have the talk.
“Timing is critically important,” Long says. “Some matters may await a holiday or other family gathering. There will be situations where time is of the essence, and the conversation needs to take place almost immediately.”
But if your parents are elderly and sometimes confused, Long says to aim for having the talk in the middle of the day.
“It allows morning medications to settle in and avoid potential grogginess from early morning,” he says.
Solomon has similar advice for this and all difficult topics with your parents. “Think of the acronym H.A.L.T,” she says. “Don’t try to have these conversations when someone is hungry, angry, lonely or tired.”
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5 Tough Money Talks to Have With Your Aging Parents originally appeared on usnews.com
