From developmental and behavioral concerns to academic and social demands, raising children certainly has its share of emotional ebbs and flows. Challenges as well as joyful moments are usually par for the course, but add attention deficit hyperactivity disorder into the mix and all of these feelings will likely intensify.
Dr. Mark Bertin, a developmental pediatrician in Pleasantville, New York, and the author of the forthcoming book “How Children Thrive: The Practical Science of Raising Independent, Resilient, and Happy Kids,” says that every family has strengths, but when someone is experiencing a struggle, it can be easy to overlook positive traits. As such, heightened levels of stress may emerge, he explains, noting that parents raising a child with ADHD are more likely to experience marital strife and be less confident in parenting abilities. In fact, one study published in Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that compared to parents of children without ADHD, parents of children diagnosed with the disorder were more likely to divorce by the time their children were 8 years old. Inattentive or hyperactive behaviors commonly exhibited by ADHD children were thought to give rise to mounting tensions and parental conflicts, the researchers noted.
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“One of the most under-acknowledged parts of ADHD is its impact on parents,” Bertin says. A child with ADHD is often behind in self-management skills, he explains, making activities such as morning routines challenging.
Penny Williams, who has a son with ADHD, knows first-hand that difficulties can exist. She’s a parenting ADHD guide and trainer at ParentingADHDandAutism.com and the author of several books, including “Boy Without Instructions: Surviving the Learning Curve of Parenting a Child with ADHD.”
ADHD Education and Acceptance
” Parenting kids with ADHD is a whole different parenthood,” Williams says. “The struggle is very real, for child and parent alike.” In one of her blogs on her site, she recalls how she used to yell a slew of “Why can’t you just” phrases to her son. “Why can’t you just listen the first time I give instructions?” or “”Why can’t you just do your homework?” were common. “Well he can’t ‘just’ do these things because genetics and environment clashed to create a brain that simply isn’t built for it,” she writes. “Once I realized, and accepted that, I could begin my journey to calm and positive parenting.”
What Williams says makes perfect sense to Bertin, who adds that parents “have to look at ADHD realistically.” He explains that parents don’t always fully understand ADHD. Some may inaccurately feel that the disorder is their fault, while others inappropriately gauge ADHD based on input from uninformed or judgmental family members and friends. “But once you see the big picture, you can begin to focus on acceptance,” he says, explaining that educating yourself about what ADHD is can lead to an acceptance of the disorder. This allows people to more clearly understand “that ADHD is a concrete delay of particular skills” rather than something that should bring about blame and frustrations. Armed with this acceptance and understanding, Bertin says parents are in a better position to seek appropriate help for children, which may include working with the school system’s speech language therapist. Having a whole picture approach to address both long and short term goals, changing skill sets and evolving expectations is key, he explains.
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Ongoing Effort, Recognizing Strengths
Parents “have to put work into it to keep up and get things done,” Bertin says. He reinforces the importance of managing all aspects of ADHD — a “whole picture” approach — not just working on one particular area and then expecting significant or immediate change.
Being the parent of a child with ADHD isn’t synonymous with doom and gloom, especially when parents take action to become — and remain — educated about the disorder and take appropriate child-rearing steps. “You have to throw out the traditional parenting rulebook and write a new one, tailored to your child’s strengths and weaknesses and your child’s special needs,” Williams says. “There’s a lot of work involved in gaining intimate knowledge of how your child’s brain works and what the experience of living with a different brain is like, not to mention figuring out exactly what they need in light of that information.”
This includes not losing sight when things are going well. Bertin says it may take some reframing and effort to get past the stressful times and take stock of good experiences, but doing so is necessary. “It’s important to focus on strengths,” he says. “Always come back to the strengths” while at the same time, making sure to still address a specific difficulty. “Within families, most approaches with ADHD start with the premise of getting back to the positive — spending time together, praising even small successes and the parts of life that come naturally for a child,” Bertin explains. “Make sure we’re showing them that we’re accepting them for who they are.” Part of this effort involves working as a team; Bertin suggests saying things like, “Why don’t we both work on being more efficient in the morning?” and trying to make improvements via a collaborative approach. “Look for opportunities to work on things together,” he says. “It’s part of bonding and also helps normalize what’s going on.”
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
“I’ve learned more patience, persistence, compassion, open-mindedness, and creative problem solving than I ever would have learned in parenting a neurotypical child,” Williams says. “I’m a much better human being for raising the challenging, wonderful kid I am fortunate enough to have.”
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What Is It Really Like to Be the Parent of a Child With ADHD? originally appeared on usnews.com
