“Kaitlin,” 19, and whose name I changed to protect her privacy, told me that she’s been “hooking up” with the teaching assistant for one of her college classes.
She explained that when it first began, it was exciting and adventurous — a big secret kept from her parents and even her friends because the TA could get in trouble if anyone found out. It didn’t take long for Kaitlin to feel that a secret relationship wasn’t much fun and now she wants out, but it’s not that simple. She’s worried that he will be angry or hurt if she rejects him and could somehow influence the professor in a way that would negatively impact her grade in the class.
The significant problem of sex being leveraged as power is not limited to the workplace or just the stuff of media headlines. In fact, for teenagers and young adults, it often occurs much closer to home than most parents realize. That’s because the shaky self-esteem, poor body image and lack of sexual confidence that practically rule the teenage years and early 20s put kids squarely at risk for finding themselves in a vulnerable position.
[Read: Would You Know If Your Teen Was in an Abusive Relationship?]
Potential sexual power brokers understand that young people are looking for validation and a boost to their self-confidence and know that they will often engage in behaviors that are risky or inappropriate in order to feel good about themselves, even for a short time.
That was the case for 14-year-old “Sandy,” whose name I’ve also changed to protect her privacy. Her best friend’s 20-year old brother began flirting with and complimenting her via text and Snapchat. Before long, they were meeting, and ultimately she lost her virginity to him. Their secret was exposed when Sandy’s sister saw a text and told their parents. This scenario happens often, and, in my clinical experience, few are immune.
Sexual power is not always leveraged by an older person over a younger one — it is only the experience of power that matters. Countless teens risk their reputations and privacy every day by electronically sending nude pictures of themselves to a love interest because they are told that the relationship will end if they don’t do so. For this same reason, many also lose their virginity or perform other sexual acts long before they believe they are ready to do so.
[Read: How to Talk to Kids About Sexual Harassment.]
What can parents do to lower the risk that their teen and young adult children will become victims of those who leverage sexual power in everyday life?
The first, most critical step is to nurture open, non-judgmental communication between you and your child. The more you listen without criticizing or interjecting your opinion, the more likely it is that your child will share important feelings and experiences. If you do learn information that upsets or shocks you, do your best to respond in a way that’s driven by love rather than anger.
Next, consider whether your child may be at higher risk to become the target of predators. Those with poor self-esteem, depression or poor body image or who face other psychological struggles are more likely to become victims because the attention they receive feels good and alleviates their bad feelings — that is, until they are even more psychologically damaged by the ramifications of the destructive relationship. Don’t assume that your child will simply “outgrow” psychological struggles, like depression. In fact, the opposite is true. Without support and intervention, these problems often get worse over time. So, if you have even small concerns about your child’s mental health, it’s a good idea to consult with a professional.
Finally, understand that sexual power doesn’t always begin with sex. Talk openly and frequently to your child about the importance of balance and equality in all relationships.
Whenever I can, I talk to my own teen and young adult children about how important it is to expect their opinions, values and thoughts to be valued, and to show the same respect for others. I don’t want my son or daughters to ever believe that someone else’s desires should trump their own; I tell them to never allow another person to pressure them into getting drunk or stoned, eating something they don’t want or engaging in any sexual activity for which they are not ready. I tell them over and over again that they should not ever accept someone invalidating their feelings, no matter how dark or difficult those feelings may be. Who they are, what they want and what they feel is of the utmost importance. I tell them, too, that they must always show the same level of respect for everyone else’s feelings and decisions.
[Read: How to Talk to Your Children About Consent and Sexual Assault.]
Of course, sometimes, it is not so black and white. Kaitlin wanted to have sex with her TA — she didn’t feel that he was leveraging power over her, negating her feelings or taking advantage of her. Young people don’t always clearly see the red flags. I therefore also tell my children that even if they don’t feel bad about a relationship, there are rules about sex and power: Anyone that is in any position of power over you, or over whom you have power, is off limits — regardless of how you feel or what you may gain or lose from making that choice. This may sometimes be a difficult rule to follow, especially when young hormones are raging, but it is one that will prevent great emotional pain down the line.
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Teach Teens About the Significant Problem of Sex Being Leveraged As Power originally appeared on usnews.com
