Men are having a moment right now, but it’s not a moment of celebration. It’s a moment of reckoning.
Stories of sexual harassment and assault — nearly all featuring an adult male in the role of “bad guy” — are hitting the headlines daily. The mass shootings in Sutherland Springs, Texas and Rancho Tehama Reserve, California have once again drawn our attention to the fact that every mass shooter in the United States has been male, and highlighted the link between domestic violence and domestic terror. (The Texas and California shooters both terrorized their wives before turning their weapons on the community.)
Perhaps not surprisingly, some are pointing to males’ maleness as the problem.
“The problem is not toxic masculinity; it’s that masculinity is toxic,” sociologist Lisa Wade wrote in her Oct. 26 article, ” The Big Picture: Confronting Manhood After Trump.” A day later, Slate published Ruth Graham’s pointedly satiric piece, ” It’s Time to Admit That Allowing Men Into the Workplace Was a Mistake.”
[Read: 5 Ways to Help Boys Make Good Choices.]
As a woman, I’m acutely aware of the fact that sexism and misogyny are alive and well in our culture, and I cheer calls for change. But as a mom of boys, I worry about the effects of a cultural backlash against males.
Imagine you are a 5-year-old boy hearing words like “masculinity is toxic” on the radio or over the dinner table. Imagine further that your teacher tells you, hundreds of times a day it seems, to “settle down” and “be quiet.” Online and on TV, the guys you see are mostly buffoons. How will those messages affect your developing sense of self?
Now imagine you’re a teenage boy. You’re desperately trying to establish your own identify and self-confidence, but you hear adults say things like, “I just don’t understand why anyone would trust their child alone with an adult man.” A large swath of the population, you are learning, considers all males to be potential predators. Adult males may continue to hold most of the positions of power in society, but at school, the girls have been dominating for years.
It’s not easy to be a boy today. Societal definitions of gender are evolving; social mores are changing. The pendulum is swinging, and studies show that boys are being left behind. Boys now lag behind girls academically and socially; their health is worse, too.
[Read: How to Teach Kids About Gender Stereotypes in Media.]
That’s not good for boys. It’s not good for any of us. So, let’s surround our boys with love and support. Here are five ways you can build up boys:
1. Show them positive examples. Boys need to see examples of strong, upstanding men. Surround your sons with as many “good guys” as possible. Real-life connections are crucial, and your church or school may be able to help you find a mentoring program or male role model for your son. Be sure your boys see positive depictions of males in the media, too. Share stories of guys who have overcome adversity, or are helping their communities.
2. Unpack media messaging. Talk about the headlines and news stories, paying careful attention to the words used to describe and discuss men, boys and masculinity. Ask your boys what they think about the stories and descriptions, and listen carefully to their responses. Talk about images of males in the media, too — bumbling dads on TV sitcoms, hypersexualized guys in pop music, always-on athletes and posturing politicians. Point out similarities and differences between the media’s portrayal of men, and the men and boys you interact with in real life.
3. Discuss what it means to “be a man.” While some have said that “be a man” is the worst thing you can say to a boy, the question of manliness — of what it means to be a man — is one that all boys grapple with. Ask your son what he thinks the phrase means. Listen to his answer; don’t interrupt or shame him. If his definition of “man” is limiting, make it a point to introduce other ideas and representations of masculinity into his life.
4. Support their natural inclinations. Working to break down gender stereotypes is a good thing, but please don’t suppress your boy’s interests in stereotypically “boy” things. Boys who prefer cars over dolls, who prefer to figure things out by hand rather than by listening or reading, sometimes get the message that their preferred ways of interacting with the world are less than desirable. Support and nurture your child’s interests, whether he’s into history, dance, music, baseball or something else.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
5. Advocate for boys in your schools and communities. Speak up when you hear harmful, sexist language denigrating boys and men. Share information about boys’ development with your son’s school, sports teams and church. Learn more about boy culture, and boy-friendly educational and parenting practices. BuildingBoys.net and the National Center for the Development of Boys both have a lot of useful info online, and books such as “Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World” by Rosalind Wiseman and “Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys” by Stephen James and David S. Thomas, provide insights and actionable strategies. Ask the boys in your life what they need to grow, learn and thrive, and help them bring their needs and ideas to those in power. Together, work to create necessary change.
When we value and build up our boys, we make the world a bit safer and healthier for all.
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Building Up Boys originally appeared on usnews.com
