The prospect of a child heading off to college often fills parents with hope, excitement — and more than a few twinges of fear. You won’t be able to step in and head off trouble, and you may not even know it if trouble happens.
But you can take steps to help your young adult assess risks and navigate sticky situations. “Your role is changing — you’re not in charge anymore. You’re stepping into the role of coach,” says Karen Levin Coburn, senior consultant in residence at Washington University in St. Louis and author of “Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years.”
It’s smart to have an open conversation well before drop-off day about your concerns, expectations and lines of communication. Parents are often shocked to discover that federal privacy laws limit their access to information about their college kids’ grades, physical and mental health and other aspects of their lives.
Rest assured: Assuming you manage this transition wisely, you’ll still be able to guide from afar. Here is a look at the realities behind parents’ fears and tips on how to help kids handle them.
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— Homesickness: Homesickness is such a rite of passage that you shouldn’t be surprised if your child calls in misery, wanting to come home. The best thing you can do is to listen and be supportive without opening an escape hatch.
Run-of-the-mill homesickness usually lifts once freshmen become engaged in classes and activities. It’s a good idea to suggest joining a club or other group that will provide a social network. Counseling centers often create support groups to help students deal with homesickness.
Constantly talking and texting with your child in an effort to do the problem-solving may only make matters worse. On the other hand, depression and anxiety may well require action.
According to the 2016 American College Health Association National College Health Assessment, which surveyed 33,512 students at 51 colleges and universities, 38 percent of students admitted they had felt so depressed that it was difficult for them to function at some time in the previous 12 months, and 61 percent felt overwhelming anxiety.
If anxiety or depression is already an issue, parents should help set up a plan to continue care and make sure needed support will be in place, Coburn advises. If you don’t hear from your child for an unusually long time or become aware he or she is avoiding class, contact the dean of students.
Colleges can do a wellness check to gauge how your child is doing and whether a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist seems wise. You might also suggest your child and a roommate or friend exchange home phone numbers so each can alert the other’s family of an illness or an accident.
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— Excessive drinking: According to the health assessment survey, 64 percent of college students admitted to consuming alcohol within the previous 30 days, and 18 percent reported having seven or more drinks the last time they “partied.” Researchers at the University of Michigan reported earlier this year that 10 percent of 19- and 20-year-olds surveyed had had 10 or more drinks on one occasion.
It’s wise to start a candid conversation — not a lecture — about the alcohol and drug use your child is likely to encounter and be clear about how your child might best behave in such situations and handle safety issues and transportation.
You might, for example, caution against consuming punch or a proffered drink that could have been doctored. You might ask: What do you plan to do if you’re at a party and realize your friends are drinking too much, or you’ve reached the point where you’ve had enough?
Good answers include leave the party, preferably with a friend, and switch to water. Signal that the door is open, Coburn says. “Let them know they can always call you.”
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— Sexual assault: Reported statistics vary, but nearly 25 percent of women in the U.S. said they’d been sexually assaulted during college in a 2015 survey involving 92,306 undergraduates at 27 institutions for the Association of American Universities.
The 2016 health assessment survey revealed that 11 percent of female students and 4 percent of males experienced sexual touching without their consent during the previous year. The vast majority of assaults occur between two people who know each other, and many involve alcohol or drugs, campus authorities say.
The good news is that the risk has become a frequent topic of discussion on campuses in the years since the Department of Education during the Obama administration began holding schools to account for the way they handle reports of assault and investigations. Whatever may happen to those rules in the future, many colleges and universities have stepped up their prevention efforts — teaching bystander intervention skills, for example.
Women and men can watch out for each other at parties and have a plan for extricating themselves from problematic situations. Students also should not be shy about tapping the school’s security force and taking precautions like not walking home alone at night.
It’s also vital to make sure students understand what it means to have a healthy relationship and the concept of consent. In more day-to-day interactions, judgments about assaults having occurred increasingly hinge on whether there was explicit consent.
You might ask your child: How can you make sure you have consent? Or that you give it? Not only should both parties make sure they have explicit permission, but ideally, before any encounter, they should wait until they are sober, thereby lowering the risk of any misunderstanding.
This story is excerpted from the U.S. News “Best Colleges 2018” guidebook, which features in-depth articles, rankings and data.
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Parents’ Guide to Surviving Freshman Year of College originally appeared on usnews.com
