Many parents and families find the transition from summer vacation to school difficult. The challenge of achieving a happy work-life balance and spending quality time with our children becomes more problematic when school is in session and the children’s schedules are busy, too.
Keep in mind that the perfect balance between work or other responsibilities and family is rarely attainable, but there is one great way fathers can regularly prioritize spending time with their children: I call it ritual dad time. Of course, it should be noted that I work primarily with fathers, so naturally that’s my focus. But this same concept applies to moms as well as other primary caregivers for kids.
This is different from the daily rituals you may already engage in, such as sharing meals, walking or driving to school, and reading together. Ritual dad time is a monthly, one-on-one, special time with Dad. Think of it as the father-child equivalent of a couple’s “date night.” This ritual can be started at any time, with children of any age, newborn to adult.
[Read: Creating Your ‘Dad’s Vision Statement.’]
The purpose is to build in time for you and your child to share stories, explore each other’s interests, play, discuss important issues or just enjoy each other’s company. The true and lasting value of this practice comes from keeping your regular commitment to showing up for these special hours, as well as being fully present with your child. That means unplugging, making sure to keep your focus squarely on the child, truly listening and generally following your child’s lead, from what you do together to what you talk about (versus directing and initiating everything).
Here are some simple guidelines:
1. Make it a routine. Plan to get together one-on-one with your child at least once a month, for at least one to two hours. This may present a challenge for large families, but it’s essential for building a relationship with each child. For live-away dads: Depending on how often you see your child, you could either do your ritual less frequently (every three, six or twelve months) or do a long-distance ritual, such as a monthly letter or ongoing project.
2. Agree on an activity. You may allow your child to choose, or you can alternate who decides what you do. Examples of what you might do include taking a walk, going out to eat, going for a bike ride, cooking a meal, taking a drive, going to a sporting event, playing a game, doing an art project or working together on a do-it-yourself project. For dads with infants: Think about visiting a different environment to stimulate your child’s senses, such as a park with lots of birds, the beach, a crowded playground or a quiet forest.
3. Make sure you talk during your time together. Going to a movie or a game is fine, as long as you talk at some point. Men especially need to model face-to-face dialogue for children of all ages.
[Read: Why Dads Should Get More Involved in Their Kids’ Schools.]
4. Be consistent. The ritual does not have to be on the same day each month, but make sure it happens so that your child can count on it. I suggest ending each ritual dad time by scheduling your next ritual time together.
5. Share your plans in advance. Be sure to let your child’s mother or your co-parent know your plan ahead of time. Explain what you’re doing and why this ritual time is so important. Also, listen to and take any concerns raised seriously, and be open to suggestions as well.
One thing to keep in mind is that when you first share this idea with your child, it may be met with resistance. So it’s important to talk over the concept. Let your child know that you would like to do this once a month for at least six months. My suggestion is to at first make this a request, something you are asking of your child. Make it clear that your only agenda is to have fun and to spend time doing things your child enjoys.
Younger children are more likely to be excited by the idea, while older children may shun it. If your child is still resistant after you suggest it, I advocate making ritual dad time mandatory. This quality time together is especially important for parents and children who are often in conflict with each other. Usually, part of the problem is that they have too few positive experiences together. Creating positive memories and opening the lines of communication in a relaxed environment can strengthen your relationship.
6. Be purposeful. Reflect on your experience each time by writing, even briefly, in a journal or on your phone. Think about what went well, what didn’t go well, things you discussed and so on.
If after the first or second month your ritual time is not going well, consider the following:
— Are you giving your child a choice about how the time is spent?
— Are you totally present during your time together (not talking on the phone, not stopping to run errands, not having the TV on)?
— Talk with your child’s mother or a friend about what is happening, and ask for their suggestions.
— Talk with your child about ideas for what you could do to improve your time together.
As the parent, you need to first look at your own behavior to see what you could change.
The key to ritual dad time is to remember that at some point, you will inevitably feel like it’s too much of a struggle to keep the ritual going. Obviously, the easy thing to do is justify putting it off or not make time in the first place. Make this a priority. Children thrive on routine. It’s not what you do — it’s that you do it.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Enacting this practice is a step toward living a more balanced life and closing the gap between what we say is important and how we actually spend our time. While cutting time out of our hectic lives is never easy, you will be glad you did, and more importantly, so will your child.
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Create Ritual Dad Time originally appeared on usnews.com
