I have noticed that as a society we seem to be much more focused on how to communicate with our teen girls than our adolescent boys. In fact, I feel parents often put much less effort into talking with their teen boys. That’s too bad, because I must tell you that teen boys experience a variety of tender and confusing feelings, just as girls do.
It’s my hope that we can do better in reaching out to our boys to open channels of communication. The boys will appreciate it, and your relationships with and understanding of your boys will grow exponentially. This will take some work, but it will be well worth it.
[Read: 6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All.]
We know that teens who have better communication with their parents also have more satisfying relationships. Additionally, teens who communicate well with their parents are less susceptible to peer pressure and tend to make healthier decisions.
So, how does a parent improve communication with a teen boy? Here are some tips:
Teach your son the vocabulary of emotion. Help him verbalize if he’s frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, angry or experiencing other emotions. Even if you haven’t raised your son to talk about his emotions, it’s never too late to start. Explicitly talk about emotions you or your teen experience. Over time, your son will begin to use the same words you do to give a more nuanced account of what he’s experiencing. More precise descriptions will result in you understanding your son better. When he feels understood he will likely communicate more frequently. After all, who doesn’t want to be understood?
Keep in mind that teen boys feel hurt sometimes, just as teen girls do. They get dumped. They get cut from teams. They get disappointing grades. They get sad, and they get angry. They need to talk about it as much as girls do. With this in mind, please make ample attempts to engage your teen son in conversation. A teen boy’s silence does not indicate that he has nothing to talk about. Once you get your son talking, keep him talking by listening calmly and without judgment. He will appreciate that.
[Read: The True Essence of Adolescence.]
Talk one-on-one. Try to talk with your teen son when it’s just the two of you and there’s no audience. Try talking to him in the car, right before bed when he’s more relaxed and even when he’s listening to music. The goal is to initiate conversation when your son isn’t in the middle of studying or some other stressful activity. Transition times and relaxing times are your best bet.
I have learned over the years that teens who don’t want to talk right after school, for example, are much more amenable to talking when they’re sleepy. Please try to the best of your ability to keep your teen’s stories to yourself. You want him to trust you, right?
Don’t ever assume you know what your teen son is feeling. Honestly, the worst thing you can say to a teen of either sex is “I know you better than you know yourself.” It’s impossible for you to know your kids better than they know themselves. They are still figuring out who they are. These well-intended words will backfire, and your kids will tune out. Showing a straightforward interest rather than espousing assumptions is the way to go. Ask questions and listen to your son’s answers without interrupting and attempting to rewrite your teen’s narrative.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Teach your son that his feelings are not shameful. When he feels safe with you, he will be significantly more likely to engage in conversation. Your son will be grateful to have the opportunity to speak about his feelings and share his stories when he becomes aware that his feelings are acceptable and that he doesn’t need to remain silent. Also, he will feel better when he’s aware that he has a place to go to sort out his feelings.
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How to Improve Communication With Teen Boys originally appeared on usnews.com
