When someone close to you is angry, sad or hurt, you probably want to make them feel better. Yet, your efforts to help might not be exactly what’s needed.
Those efforts could even make the person feel worse.
That’s because tolerating negative emotions is uncomfortable, and so it’s common to try to make those emotions go away. That’s true even if what the other person needs is for you to be with them in the difficult experience.
Emotions are among the most important survival tools that nature gives us. They serve an essential function. However, we’re taught a lot of lessons about emotions that aren’t necessarily true. You may have learned that emotions are wrong or bad, or that they’re destructive. You might have been taught that you shouldn’t “be emotional,” and that you have to “be strong” and not let anyone see what you’re feeling inside.
[See: Am I Just Sad — or Actually Depressed?]
These lessons form the basis of invalidation.
Unfortunately, invalidation leads to a lot of mental health problems. In fact, an invalidating environment is thought to be a significant factor in the development of borderline personality disorder. Invalidation can take many forms. You might be told that your emotions are wrong, or bad, and that you shouldn’t feel the way we do. You might be told you’re overly sensitive or dramatic. You might be ignored or told that your feelings are your fault. All of this is harmful. It’s fighting reality, which of course doesn’t work.
A person’s experience is always valid — it is their experience. When you invalidate another’s experience, you’re disconnecting from their feelings and judging them for responding differently than you would (or than you think they ought to).
To better understand those around you, and to communicate with empathic curiosity, it’s important to see the validity in each person’s experience. Here are four things to avoid saying:
1. “It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it.”
If someone is anxious or upset, invalidation is likely to make those feelings more intense. They may feel alone, so see if you can join in with their experience. Find out more about what’s worrying them and why. Be curious. You don’t have to solve the problem, just be present with the worry.
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
2. “Just think positive.”
If only it were that easy! Yes, changing how you think can change how you feel. But don’t forget that everyone wants to feel good. Instead of implying that feeling better is easy and in the other person’s control, ask clarifying questions and see if you can understand what’s going on that makes feeling better not seem possible right now. Yes, there are tools for overcoming difficult feelings. But remember that change takes time, and establishing new habits is hard work.
3. “Stop being so emotional (or sensitive or dramatic).”
Some people are highly sensitive to emotional events, and that’s just how they are. This isn’t a bad thing — in fact, highly sensitive people often have an incredible capacity for empathy. They may also be very creative, caring people who have a lot of potential. Being highly sensitive can be a gift, as long you have the skills to manage feelings that come your way.
[See: 8 Ways to Relax Now.]
4. “You need to be more rational.”
Emotional problems need emotional solutions, not logical ones. Feelings are not wrong, and they’re bad. They just are. In fact, they serve a lot of important functions. Logic and reason are important, too, but they leave out a huge component of the human experience. We need both emotion and reason.
When another’s feelings are hard to take in, the practice of radical acceptance can go a long way. Make sure to prioritize your own self-care, so you can be as present as possible with those close to you. By focusing on validation, and avoiding invalidating responses, you can better connect with those close to you by understanding their emotional reality.
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Am I Just Sad — or Actually Depressed?
4 Things Not to Say When Someone Is Upset originally appeared on usnews.com
