For people who don’t have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and are in a relationship with someone who does, or if both people have ADHD, there could be challenges that transcend the typical ebbs and flows of a partnership.
“In the end, marriage, dating, and any kind of partnership is hard,” writes Peter Shankman in his forthcoming book, “Faster Than Normal: Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity, and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain.” “Throw in ADHD, and that just ups the challenges.”
However, Shankman, founder of FasterThanNormal.com, a podcast designed to reevaluate the ADHD conversation by thinking differently and more positively about it, notes that the challenges are “surmountable, and survivable.” He writes from experience: Not only does he have ADHD, but he’s currently separated from his wife, a situation in which he says ADHD was not the cause, but rather made clear the fact that they’re “different people,” which he says is “okay.” He offers advice about how to live happily with someone who has ADHD in Chapter 6 of his book.
[See: 8 Things You Didn’t Know About Counseling.]
ADHD Education and Openness
Among Shankman’s suggestions is an overarching need for knowledge: Knowing how an ADHD person feels, what they can’t control and the frustrations they experience, he says, is essential. He explains the importance of not consistently reminding an ADHD person of a mistake, knowing that nothing they do stems from malicious intent, not making fun of habits such as the desire to exercise during the wee hours of the morning and understanding that at any given time, a multitude of thoughts are running through their head.
Shankman’s call for honesty and awareness about ADHD is something that June Silny, an ADHD coach who provides her expertise via Skype and phone conversations, says is critical when the disorder is a part of a relationship.
Silny, who has ADHD herself, says that when there’s openness, “the white elephant in the room” goes away and it becomes an accepted part of the relationship. Furthermore, as she states in her Lifehack.org article “20 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADD,” having knowledge about ADHD and what a person with the disorder is going through also helps.
“Understanding what a person with ADD feels like will help you become more patient, tolerant, compassionate and loving. Your relationships will become more enjoyable and peaceful,” she writes. In that article, she explains that social anxiety, being disorganized and forgetting simple tasks are a few things people with ADHD experience. At the same time, she notes that they’re also very intuitive, able to think outside of the box and are passionate about every endeavor.
Silny says that education matters if the relationship is to succeed. “Get to know your partner’s ADHD as it can be different for each person,” she says. Some people may be more hyperactive or inattentive than others, she explains, and treatment options will vary, too.
According to Julia Breur, a licensed clinical psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida, Shankman and Silny are spot on. She says that education is “imperative” and is one of three areas — the other two being to consider psychotherapy and to discuss ADHD prescription medication with a physician — that is helpful. It’s especially “beneficial for a non-ADHD partner and their ADHD partner” to follow to help “normalize their relationship and embrace ADHD.” She explains that such education involves the non-ADHD partner’s realization that their partner’s behaviors aren’t always about their feelings towards them. “Together,” Breur says, “a couple can brainstorm new strategies to minimize distractibility and to reduce arguments and feelings of frustration.” Ultimately, the couple should be able to “jointly recognize, manage and treat ADHD symptoms as well as manage responses.”
[See: Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism: Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities.]
The Consequences of ADHD Mismanagement
Not educating oneself about ADHD, shunning treatment and avoiding openness can lead to a host of relationship complications, Silny says. Improper ADHD management such as not taking prescribed medications or denying having it in the first place “can lead to unemployment, money mismanagement, addiction, family destruction and divorce,” she says, adding that her ex-husband struggled to properly manage his ADHD. “Things became severe,” Silny explains, including job issues and financially irresponsible behaviors, all things she feels were related not so much to her husband’s ADHD, but a disinterest in properly treating it.
“Without education, treatment and openness,” says Silny, who has since remarried a man who happens to not have ADHD, “it can wreak havoc on your life.”
Breur agrees that ADHD can indeed “affect one’s job, marriage, family life and finances.” But she says “there is good news: It’s never too late to treat ADHD.” According to Breur, treatment can not only help the person with ADHD manage symptoms, but it can also benefit the couple’s relationship as a whole.
Empathy
In addition to education, Breur says that empathy is also important. Like education, she considers it a lifestyle change that has to do with understanding the impact the disorder has on both partners. “If you are the non-ADHD partner, think how difficult it has to be for someone to live daily with intrusive and disruptive ADHD symptoms,” Breur states. “If you are the ADHD partner, focus on how much your partner is committing to help both of you by becoming knowledgeable about the disorder, as well as both of you becoming ADHD advocates.”
Silny adds that having compassion and patience are important. She touched on patience in one of the many articles she’s authored for ADDitudemag.com, a resource for families and adults living with ADHD. In the article, ” Thank You for Choosing Me to Be Your Wife,” she lists several reasons she’s appreciative of her non-ADHD husband’s understanding and patience. “Thank you for waiting patiently while I get ready to go out,” she writes. “You sit and read the paper while I say I’m ready, but then forget my phone, fill my water-to-go cup, and look for my sunglasses.”
Psychotherapy
The second area Breur says can help couples in this circumstance is psychotherapy. “Adults with ADHD need practical and concrete help, which psychotherapy can deliver by helping the ADHD and non-ADHD partners with psychosocial treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy,” she says. “Psychotherapy can help an ADHD’s family system see that forgetfulness or distracted behavior isn’t a sign of being self-centered, but symptoms of a disorder. Getting an accurate ADHD diagnosis and effective psychotherapeutic treatment can lead to a positive and improved life.” She explains that treatment might also involve work with a psychotherapist as well as a physician, “especially if prescribed medication is part of the treatment plan.”
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Medication
Some ADHD treatment plans involve taking medication, which can help improve symptoms. However, Breur says the pros and cons of medication should be discussed with a physician and that complementary and alternative medicine like acupuncture or biofeedback may be used.
Overall, the secret to a great relationship when one or both partners has ADHD is all in how well they work together to overcome challenges, manage their ADHD and strive to understand the person with it, Silny says. “Thank you for putting up with me daily,” was another point in her ADDitude article. It continues, “Thank you for loving me, in spite of all the idiosyncrasies that you cannot understand about me. That’s true love.”
More from U.S. News
10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health
Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism: Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities
8 Things You Didn’t Know About Counseling
What to Expect When You’re in a Relationship With Someone Who Has ADHD originally appeared on usnews.com
