Ever wonder why your children do the things they do?
All children are born with biological and psychological needs. These genetic instructions drive behavior. One biological need is for air. This instruction drives us to breathe. Luckily, every moment of every day neither you nor your children have to remember to keep breathing. This behavior happens automatically. Another biological instruction is for us to walk upright. Other mammals don’t have this instruction, so they walk around on all four legs. In the life of all children there comes a time when they decide to attempt to stand upright and balance on their feet instead of crawling. Parents don’t have to persuade, coax or encourage this behavior. Humans have this behavioral urge as part of their genetic biological instruction.
This same drive or urge is also true for the five psychological human instructions. Children are born driven to follow their needs for survival, love and belonging, power, fun, and freedom, according to Choice Theory psychology developed by Dr. William Glasser. While further research is looking into whether there are more than just these five psychological needs, as you spend more time exploring this notion your awareness and acceptance of these five drivers will probably increase. The survival need is both biological as well as psychological. People are driven to seek shelter and food during a natural disaster (biological instruction) as well as to feel safe and secure (psychological instruction).
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Your children, in all they do, are driven by these same biological and psychological needs. In addition, behavior is purposeful: an attempt to meet one or more of the five psychological needs. However, not all behavior is effective. When a toddler cries, whines and begs, she may be trying to get her mother to change her answer and let her have another lollipop. If her mother persists in denying permission, the child’s behavior was purposeful, but not effective.
Even though all behavior is purposeful and sometimes that behavior is effective, it may not be responsible or respectful. When a 3-year old grabs a toy from another child, he may be successful and effective in getting the toy he wanted but hurt another child in the process.
What’s more, even purposeful, effective, responsible and respectful behavior can be against the established rules and laws. A new driver may safely arrive at her destination, being careful and considerate of the other drivers on the road. But if a police officer stops her because she was driving over the speed limit, she is still guilty of breaking the law.
[Read: For the Sake of Our Kids’ Mental Health, We Must Teach Them to Innovate.]
No matter how effective or ineffective, responsible or irresponsible a behavior is, it’s also helpful to know that any behavior is likely a person’s best attempt to meet a need at the time. In other words, even a child who tells you a lie about where he spent the evening is trying to irresponsibly meet his need for greater freedom. When he discovers that you know that he was not where he said he would be, he realizes he may now lose even more freedom. What he did may not have the best outcome. But he chose the best behavior available to him at the time, hoping he could get what he wanted without disappointing you.
As a parent, your job is to help your children learn how to meet their psychological needs responsibly and respectfully. Often, the best time to teach children how to meet their needs in responsible and respectful ways is when kids are misbehaving. This is the moment when children are most motivated. They really want what they want and they are willing to learn a different, more effective way to get what they want.
So the next time your child misbehaves, ask her, “What did you want that you tried to get by ______?” filling in the blank describing what the child did. For instance, you might ask, “What did you want that you tried to get by hitting your little brother?”
Now ask, “If we can figure out a way to help you get what you want responsibly and respectfully, are you willing to do that instead?” Most of the time your child will agree and try something different. Now teach him the new, more responsible, respectful and effective ways to get what he wants and meets his needs.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Remember that just because she learned a new way to get what she wants and needs doesn’t mean that she will automatically rely on this new, more effective behavior in the future. It’s just the same as when your child needed to stand and fall many times before she could walk successfully. Children need practice to effectively meet their psychological needs.
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What Drives Kids to Act the Way They Do? originally appeared on usnews.com
