Having your child get together with other kids their age is an important part of socializing. But for parents of a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, managing play dates and other outings can be challenging. How then, can social interactions be handled when an ADHD child interacts with non-ADHD children? Why might this be an issue at all?
Caroline Maguire, an ADHD and social skills coach at New England Coaching Services in Concord, Massachusetts, says this isn’t a challenge for every kid with ADHD. However, she explains that when taking into consideration the “basic underlying tenants” of the disorder such as having issues with inattention or hyperactivity, social difficulties can arise.
For example, the National Institute of Mental Health explains that a child with inattention challenges may “have problems sustaining attention in tasks or play.” The hyperactive-impulsive child may interrupt others during game-playing or talk out of turn. Such behaviors may present challenges for the ADHD child attempting to interact with non-ADHD children during play dates and social outings.
[See: 8 Things You Didn’t Know About Counseling.]
Here’s a closer look at these challenges and some ways parents can better ensure a successful experience.
Social Challenges for an ADHD Child
“As far as the duration of a play date,” Maguire explains, “a neurotypical kid may be able to spend all afternoon in the pool and then want pizza afterwards.” She says a child with ADHD may not be able to go this long because they typically have challenges when it comes to emotional self-regulation. So, a neurotypical child who becomes hungry while playing, she says, may be fine when a parent informs them that food is on the way but they may have to wait a bit. ADHD children in this similar scenario may not cope as well knowing that they may not be able to satisfy their hunger more promptly. This may also be the case when fatigue or other feelings enter the picture. Therefore, consideration of the duration of the play date as well as its location is important, she says, because it can help set the child up for success. “Parents need to think this through,” Maguire says.
“If you want a successful play date,” says Carol Brady, a psychologist in Houston, whose interest has been working with children, “keep activities short and sweet.” Doing so will help your child work within the parameters of his or her symptoms, while ensuring that all of the children are still having fun. “Start out small and structured and stick to a limited time period,” says Brady, who has written several articles for ADDitude magazine, a publication focused on families and adults living with ADHD.
Additionally, Maguire adds that because children with ADHD often aren’t able to accurately “tune in” and gauge social cues, they may not notice that another kid is no longer interested in an activity. The non-ADHD child may interpret the ADHD child’s ongoing interest as being pushy, boring or uncooperative, when in reality it may be that the ADHD child is hyperfocused on something he or she finds intriguing or is unable to pick up on other people’s reactions.
Parents should take maturity levels into consideration, says Maguire, who is also the director of the Fundamentals of ADHD Coaching for Families Program at the ADD Coach Academy and the author of the forthcoming book “Why Will No One Play With Me? A Parent’s Guide to a Socially Happy Child.”
“A 9-year-old child with ADHD may behave like a 6-year-old,” she says of the maturational lag that’s common among those with the disorder. She notes that a 9-year-old usually expects certain age-appropriate behaviors from other children, so an ADHD child may be deemed too childish and goofy in the eyes of a non-ADHD child.
All of this can lead to awkward play dates or prevent subsequent ones from occurring. “The other parents might think the ADHD child is ‘too much’ for their non-ADHD child,” Maguire says. “This may make them less inclined to invite the child in the future.”
In other cases, the parents themselves may be the ones standing in the way of another play date or social outing, Brady explains. “Parents may be so excited that their ADHD child is having fun with someone else that they end up prolonging the get-together,” she says. But if the play date goes on for too long, “it may fall apart.” Maguire adds that sometimes “parents may want to hang out regardless of whether the kids get along, because it’s an opportunity to interact with other adults. But it’s more important to make sure the children get along and have similar interests, she says.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Suggestions for Successful Play Dates
One technique to help ensure successful play dates involves Maguire’s “too much” concept. When coaching ADHD children, she’ll often focus on whether a child is being too much, too little or just right in terms of how a particular behavior may possibly overwhelm or please others. For example, she says that when a child starts acting too silly while running around (i.e. being “too much”), she’ll run with them then stop the child in the moment. At that time, Maguire asks the child what they’re feeling and whether they think they’re being too much, too little or just right. This helps the child understand their actions the instant they occur at which point she may suggest tactics to calm down, such as taking deep breaths or playing a different game.
She also notes that it’s important to teach ADHD children ways to regulate their emotions, saying that they sometimes have a tendency to become overly emotional. To help manage this, she plays a game called “good winner, good loser.” Ideally, Maguire says a child should strive to be both. If an ADHD child is involved in an activity and loses, it’s not acceptable to throw things or stomp off. She’ll point out such behaviors when she observes them, enabling them to play better with others going forward.
Parents too, play a significant role in the process.
Brady suggests parents do as much research as possible before coordinating a play date. “People often refer to parents as teachers, but maybe they should also think of them as detectives,” she says. Parents who don the proverbial detective hat by learning more about who their child is getting along with and what activities both kids enjoy will be helping the child in the long-run. Armed with this information, a parent might want to consider approaching a teacher and mention that their child seems to enjoy the company of a particular boy or girl. Such parent-teacher interaction can pave the way for helpful feedback that leads to a successful play date. “Be a detective about who to invite to play dates,” Brady suggests. “Ask yourself if they are a match rather than saying, ‘well, I’ll just say my prayers and hope they get along.'”
Maguire agrees, adding that it’s wise for parents to “look at a playmate’s temperament and think about whether their interests and temperament gel with your kid.”
Brady adds that children with ADHD need reminders. For example, prior to a social outing, a parent may want to say, “Let’s remember, when we have a guest, it’s good manners to let them pick the game.” Telling your child to remember to not get upset if they don’t win a game or to remember to say hi to other children in a group are other examples. She refers to this as “remembering your reminders,” saying that this habit can help instill good manners, which she says is important for all children, not just ones with ADHD.
Use Praise, Have Fun
When a child demonstrates good behaviors during social interactions, Brady says it’s wise to provide positive reinforcement. “End the play date by emphasizing how many things the kid did right,” she says. Provide a specific example, such as telling them how well they took turns.
[See: Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism: Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities.]
The NIMH also suggests “giving praise or rewards when rules are followed,” stating that looking for good behavior is important, especially since “children with ADHD often receive and expect criticism.”
Last but not least, Brady reminds people to not be so hard on themselves when it comes to social outings. “Have fun,” she says. “Lighten up. This is supposed to be fun for both the child and parents.”
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How to Manage Play Dates and Other Social Outings When Your Child Has ADHD originally appeared on usnews.com
