As we age, there is great irony in the role reversal between parent and child. For years, it was mom and/or dad ready to provide love, encouragement, care and advice. And while this role certainly remains, many children find themselves taking on the rewarding, and at times challenging, task of ensuring the well-being of their parents as they age.
While this role reversal entails much responsibility, there is one common starting point — “the conversation.” It’s the discussion regarding care preferences as well as family and financial matters such as legacy and estate planning. While this conversation might seem like an easy first step, it can be anything but. In fact, conversations such as these often prove to be much more difficult than anticipated, even for those who come from close-knit families.
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Perhaps the most uncomfortable aspect is initiating the conversation in the first place. Neither an adult child nor an aging parent is likely to be completely at ease bringing up issues on aging, mortality and the future. However, taking the time to have an open and honest discussion now can help ensure that parents are able to live life fully on their terms and children are well prepared to make informed decisions as needed.
While there is no magic formula to having a successful conversation, the following tips can help pave the way to a useful and productive discussion.
Don’t wait for someone else to initiate. It is easy to assume (and hope) that someone else, such as a sibling, will initiate the conversation. However, do not let procrastination take over. Trying to have this discussion later in the midst of a potential crisis can add unneeded stress and worse yet, result in poor decisions (by all parties involved). If beginning the conversation becomes a struggle, use a transitional topic such as a need for extra help with daily or household activities as a starting point.
The person initiating the conversation should also consider involving others. Siblings, friends, and extended family can play an important and helpful role. Also, professionals such as elder law attorneys and financial professionals can be useful. As objective third parties, their involvement could potentially lessen the emotion and tension of the conversation as well as help provide important information about different options to consider, and the legal ramifications (subject to state laws) of any strategies utilized.
Ask questions and acknowledge wishes. Asking open-ended questions (ones without simple yes or no answers) will encourage loved ones to share their thoughts and feelings in greater detail. Don’t make any preconceived assumptions about a loved one’s potential wishes and let their answers help guide the discussion. Most important, be sure to listen. It is easy to take over a conversation and the act of simply listening goes a long way in attaining a positive outcome.
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Some key topics to ensure that are covered in the conversation include:
— How important is it to stay in the current home? What type of home might be the best fit in the future? Where would they prefer to live? In the city, suburbs, near the children/grandchildren?
— What kind of help, if any, will be needed now and in the future, ranging from help with household errands to financial decisions?
— What considerations should drive medical decisions (spiritual, religious, philosophical, cultural, etc.)? What are the potential concerns and/or fears about getting sick and/or receiving medical care?
— What valuables and/or traditions should be passed on? Are wills and/or trusts in place and up-to-date?
— Where are financial and legal documents stored? Which other professionals should be contacted? Is there an estate planning attorney they wish to contact for help with their legal documents?
— What are the end-of-life wishes and directives? Who should make important decisions once the parent is no longer able? Has an elder law attorney been consulted regarding the state and federal rules related to medical assistance planning (if needed) and end-of-life decisions.
Finally, take notes during the conversation. Coming prepared with a journal will help record, organize and document what is discussed.
Conversations will take time and be ongoing. This is not a five-minute, “one and done” conversation. It may take months to agree to even have the conversation in the first place and even more time to work through all the decisions and details. However, try to have at least the first initial conversation in person and always remember that patience is paramount. Having conversations when either party is tired or emotions are heated is unproductive.
Choice of words can have a huge impact. In addition to listening and being patient, be careful not to treat or speak to a parent like they are a child. Attitude and choice of words sets the tone of the conversation. Avoid “you” statements (e.g. you are getting too old to live alone, you need to listen to me, etc.). Use “I” statements such as: “I want to help you stay as independent as long as possible.” Discussing the possibility of losing independence can be hard for anyone to accept and mutual respect and empathy are critical components of a successful conversation.
While it might not be an easy first step to take, taking the time to have the conversation now about the future will give both the aging parent and adult child the added peace of mind knowing that a plan is in place. Parent-child relationships might evolve over time, but keeping the lines of communication open will ensure the bond remains as strong as ever, even during the latter stages of life.
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This article is designed to provide general information on the subjects covered. It is not, however, intended to provide specific legal and tax advice and cannot be used to avoid tax penalties or to promote, market, or recommend any tax plan or arrangement. Please note that Allianz Life Insurance Company of North America, its affiliated companies, and their representatives and employees do not give legal or tax advice. Clients are encouraged to consult their own tax advisor or attorney.
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Having the ‘Conversation’ With Your Parents originally appeared on usnews.com
