When it comes to some emotions, it’s not always easy to figure out exactly what or how you’re feeling. Sometimes you might realize you’re experiencing the push-pull of conflicting emotions — such as sadness to see your child go off to college but excitement for this new chapter in his or her life. Or, you may recognize that you have mixed feelings about accepting a new job with longer hours but a higher salary or relocating to a different part of the country. Those feelings can be unnerving, to be sure, but they’re not as perplexing as emotional states that are often mistaken for each other.
This is a common phenomenon because in our culture, “there’s no formal education in building an emotional vocabulary or developing emotional learning and intelligence,” says psychoanalyst Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. “So it’s not surprising that people wouldn’t know the exact words to describe how they’re feeling.” But it’s in your best interest to learn to identify your emotions accurately, not only so you can gain greater self-knowledge, but also so you can communicate and respond to them more effectively. “All emotions are signals that you should be paying attention to something,” Stern says. Once you identify and label a feeling correctly, you can figure out what it’s trying to tell you about your life or your behavior, then take steps to address those messages. As Stern says: “You have to name it to tame it.”
[See: Am I Just Sad — or Actually Depressed?]
Here are three pairs of emotional states that are often confused for each other — whether it’s because they’re close cousins, often intertwined or simply labeled interchangeably — with advice on how to tell the difference and how to handle each:
Guilt vs. Shame
What’s the difference: Guilt reflects a sense of having done something wrong or having violated an important principle with your behavior. By contrast, shame has to do with how you see yourself as a person. Shame is often accompanied by a sense of feeling small, diminished, worthless or powerless, which can lead to avoidance or defensiveness in certain situations, explains June Tangney, a professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. Guilt is typically less painful and devastating because the whole self isn’t under attack; in other words, guilty feelings are more compartmentalized to your behavior. “Knowing the difference between shame and guilt allows you to distinguish between something you did versus something you are,” Tangney says.
How to manage them: For starters, consider whether the way you’re feeling is about you as a whole person or in response to something you did, Tangney advises. “If it has to do with something you did and it was an out-of-character behavior, focus on who you hurt and what harm you caused.” Then, take steps to apologize, make amends, rectify the problem or prevent it from happening again in the future.
If you’re grappling with shame, which is more complicated, it can help to talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your feelings and the event that brought them on. “When you put words to these feelings, they become easier to deal with,” Tangney says. If exploring the roots of the feeling doesn’t help, it can help to consciously act as if you feel confident or proud of yourself rather than ashamed. “The theory is that acting like you feel the opposite will help you behave as if you feel better, and that will lead you to feel better,” Tangney says.
[Read: Are Cities Bad for Mental Health?]
Anxiety vs. Worry
What’s the difference: The two conditions often go hand in hand but not always. Anxiety typically involves physiological arousal — such as a quickened heart rate, shortness of breath, a fluttering in your gut, shaking or trembling — whereas worry reflects the thoughts that coincide with the physical sensations of anxiousness and distress, explains psychologist Reid Wilson, director of the Anxiety Disorders Treatment Center in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and author of “Stopping the Noise in Your Head: The New Way to Overcome Anxiety and Worry.” “Worry drives anxiety.” It also can become a habit, as worry sometimes plays like a song on continuous replay.
How to manage them: The first step is to acknowledge and accept either feeling. “It’s OK to be anxious; it’s OK to be worried,” Wilson says. “The problem comes not with how anxious you are, but with where you bring your attention. If you begin to predict the possibility of failure, then you’re going to become more anxious and more worried.” To calm the physiological symptoms of anxiety, engage in deep breathing or another relaxation technique such as progressive muscle relaxation or mindfulness meditation, advises Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of “Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety and More.” Once you’ve calmed down, swing into problem-solving mode. “Think about what the problems or concerns are and what your options are,” Heitler advises. “Having a plan of action is often the best antidote to anxiety.”
Engaging in positive self-talk — in which you push back against rigid or perfectionist expectations or focusing on the worst-possible outcomes — also helps, Wilson says. If you catch yourself falling back into a repetitive worry cycle, short-circuit it by consciously distracting yourself with a pleasant task or another train of thought, especially if you can’t avoid or directly address the source of your worries, Heitler says.
[See: 6 Reasons You’re Procrastinating on Your Health Goals — and How to Stop.]
Jealousy vs. Envy
What’s the difference: In a nutshell, jealousy reflects an underlying fear that a valued relationship is threatened or that you could be losing someone who’s important to you, whereas envy involves desiring what someone else has or has accomplished, Stern explains. “People commonly mix these words up, and others don’t correct them.” But they really are birds with different feathers given the elements involved.
How to manage them: With either emotion, try to unpack what lies beneath it. If you’re feeling jealous about a partner’s behavior toward someone else or a friend’s relationship with another friend, consider whether there could be something going on in your relationship with that person that you weren’t paying attention to or whether you could be projecting your distant feelings onto the situation, Heitler suggests. Or, it could be that you’re bringing your previous history (if an ex cheated on you, for example ) to the current situation. Think about what may be driving your jealous feelings, Stern says, then focus on being generous rather than possessive, while also building confidence in your relationship with the other person. But if your partner’s excessively flirtatious behavior is sparking jealousy, communicate your feelings in a calm, rational manner — at an appropriate time, Heitler recommends. Don’t be accusatory; simply say that you felt uncomfortable when he or she did X at the party and what you’d like to see him or her do differently in the future.
With envy, ask yourself if you really want what the other person has — whether it’s a larger house or a job promotion — then consider what you can do to move in that direction, Stern suggests. But it’s also wise to try to avoid playing the comparison game and to be grateful for what you have. “We can only focus on so many things at a time,” Tangney says. “So if you celebrate what you do have, you’re less likely to focus on what you don’t have.”
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Emotional States That Are Often Confused for Each Other originally appeared on usnews.com
