The middle school and high school years are a trying time for girls. If you have a daughter, you can almost count on her being rejected or excluded by friends at some point due to the changing nature of relationships during these years.
Your daughter will very likely need you to help her through these difficult circumstances. The pain that tween and teen girls feel when rejected by friends is not unlike the pain an adult feels when going through a divorce. It cuts deep, and it’s very real.
Your first question as a parent is most likely, how can friends be so unkind to each other? Let me tell you that there are a lot of answers to this question. Perhaps the former friend wants to join a more popular group and doesn’t want to take your daughter along. Kids’ popularity and their perceptions of how popular their peers are change all the time. Maybe your daughter and the former friend both liked the same boy. Perhaps a series of misunderstandings occurred. The possible reasons are endless. In any case, the pain that your daughter feels is dreadful and won’t dissipate overnight.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
So what can you do for your daughter? During my many years of working with tween and teen girls, here’s what I’ve learned about how parents can help their daughters deal with being rejected by friends:
Let your daughter vent about how hurt she is without becoming emotional yourself. If you become emotional your daughter will shut down. Or your emotionality will escalate your daughter’s feelings, and this won’t help anyone. It’s healthy for your daughter to talk. Sometimes she just wants you to listen. Don’t offer advice unless she specifically asks for it.
Don’t devalue the friend who rejected your daughter. This isn’t what your daughter needs right now. She will feel invalidated if you attempt to soothe her by criticizing her former friend. She liked this friend, and by devaluing her friend, you are criticizing her judgment.
[Read: How to Help Your Teen Cope With the Death of a Friend.]
Empower your daughter. When your daughter has calmed down a bit, ask her what she will do if the friend who rejected her wants to resume the relationship. This will put your daughter back in a position of power, and believe me, she needs to feel some sense of power and control at this moment. It’s also not uncommon for a child to reject a friend and then to want to rebuild the relationship later. I’ve seen this happen on countless occasions.
Suggest that your daughter invite other friends over. More than anything else, 12- to 18-year-olds want to feel some sense of belonging and connectedness. Don’t we all? So support your daughter by encouraging her to spend time with other friends.
Provide comfort. Consider making your daughter’s favorite meal or just sit down over a cup of tea or coffee to talk. Everyone benefits from a little nurturing when down. While it may not seem like such small acts of kindness make a difference, they always do. Don’t underestimate your importance to your daughter.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Bear in mind that most pain dissipates with time, and be patient when your daughter is hurting. This too shall pass, and a new set of issues will replace old ones. It’s important for your daughter to know that she’s able to survive the slings and arrows of tricky adolescent friendships.
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What to Do When Your Daughter Gets Rejected by a Friend originally appeared on usnews.com
