There is a quiet revolution occurring in the U.S.
We are told that the YMCA in Spokane, Washington was the site of the first Father’s Day celebration in 1910, Lyndon Johnson was the first to make an official presidential proclamation honoring Father’s Day in 1966, and six years later, in 1972, Richard Nixon declared the day a national holiday. But surely the father honored in 1910 or even in 1972 is different than many of the fathers we honor today.
When I went for a walk recently, I noticed fathers in their 20s and 30s with babies on their chests and holding the hands of older children. I saw fathers with and without mothers taking primary responsibility for their children. Fatherhood was flattering to these men — some seemed to be deriving great joy from being with their kids, while others were perhaps a little overwhelmed but trying hard — much like many mothers.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Catherine Dulac, a researcher at Harvard Medical School, has taught us in a recent study that male mice, often known for feasting on their young, have the same neural circuitry required for parenting that female mice have. She explains that these neural circuits can be active (turned on) or repressed (turned off), based on their use or lack of use. We now know that these male mice can also become nurturers; they can build a nest and protect the pups. She states that these circuits are “likely present in humans.” We know this anecdotally as we observe the nurturing behavior that is developing during our quiet revolution of changing social roles.
As the feminist movement and economic trends have allowed women to seek increasing satisfaction and success in the work world, men, either out of necessity or preference, are increasingly involved with their children as caretakers. According to the Pew Research Center, women now earn more than men in over 5 million households. With jobs traditionally held by men diminishing and Pew’s assessment that the economy reflects greater potential for jobs that women have traditionally held, we can predict that men’s role in caring for children will continue to grow. Some have natural abilities, but many need help with developing fathering or parenting skills.
[Read: Creating Your ‘Dad’s Vision Statement.’]
We can also learn about changing parenting trends from one of my colleague’s children who was cared for primarily by his father for the first 18 months of his life, in this case because his mother was caring for her ill father. His younger brother was born two years later and was cared for mostly by their mother. When the older boy was 7, he went to sit on his mother’s lap and his younger brother, in a moment of jealousy, shouted, “Get off her lap, Mommy is my mother, Daddy is your mother.” This comment reflects the boy’s idea that nurturing comes from mothers, but fathers have it to offer if they want. In other words, if daddy is a nurturer, he must be your mommy. This vignette reflects parental roles in transition.
No one is suggesting that all fathers become the primary nurturers for children, or take on roles more traditionally held by mothers. But social roles are changing, and a broader array of fathering skills are needed.
The reality is that many kids, including nearly one-quarter living in inner cities, still grow up without a father in the home. Forty-three percent of families led by single mothers live below the poverty line.
We fathers are critical to our families and children. I am exhorting fathers to become emotionally engaged with your children — know them and allow them to know you. Spend time, have fun and listen to them. Let’s not leave our children with the emotional longing, pain and anger that can turn destructive. You can help fulfill your “fatherneed,” as Kyle Pruett has termed it: You need your children and they need you.
[Read: Fathers: We Must Learn From Our Children.]
On this Father’s Day, let’s honor all fathers doing their best to ensure their kids thrive. Dads, like moms, are not static in their roles with their children, and are able to be caretakers. As Catherine Dulac concludes, “We can now say, yes, dads can do it.”
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Fathers As Caretakers originally appeared on usnews.com
