Remember the days when your 7-year-old would give you a hug and a kiss goodbye, just not in front of others? Parenting a preteen or a teenager means you’re lucky if you get a quick wave and a “See ya” while looking at your exiting child’s back.
Teenagers are driven by an increasing need for power and freedom. Rarely do they acknowledge their desire to remain connected to family, even though that is still part of what drives them. Instead, it’s not uncommon to hear your teen complain about needing to join the family to visit relatives, or whine and demand to be allowed to spend time with friends.
Choice Theory psychology, the theory my work is based on, teaches us that all people are born with five psychological genetic instructions or needs. Just as the urge to drink water when thirsty or seek shelter during a storm are biological genetic instructions, we are born with psychological genetic instructions driving all of our behaviors. We need love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. The need for safety and security is a combination biological and psychological need. From birth until death, every human behavior is driven by our biological needs and one or more of our psychological needs.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Developmentally, there are times in a child’s life when her behavior is more strongly driven by the cooperative needs of love and fun. Perhaps this helps you understand why your child is constantly on her cell phone, tweeting or instant messaging. The urge to connect with friends is so strong that she almost can’t resist it. There are also times when your child’s behavior is more driven by the competitive needs for power and freedom. Watch a child in the “terrible twos” as an example: He wants what he wants, and he wants it now!
Each of us desires to feel connected to other people, especially the important people in our lives. Teenagers are no exception. Adolescence is the time when children have a strong urge for belonging and connectedness, but with their friends more than with family. Still, despite what middle and high school children might say, staying connected to their families is important. Maintaining this connection helps teens feel safe and secure.
Even so, developmentally, teens are also feeling an increased urge for freedom and independence, a desire to be away from family and parents. Teens experiment, trying to discover new and different ways to feel powerful and connected to their emerging peer group. For some this can mean getting involved with the very behaviors their parents fear the most, including smoking, drinking or using illegal drugs, while focusing less on academic achievement.
Are you feeling less connected to your teen? How much time does your child spend on her cell phone even when she is home? If you feel less connected, that’s because you are less connected, even when you’re under the same roof.
A parenting challenge we face raising young and emerging adults is to provide increased opportunities for their greater freedom and independence. We need to balance this with some reassurance and guarantee that our children will remain safe while they are out in the big, bad world without us. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to do this while maintaining a mutually respectful and loving relationship, so that at the end of this developmental phase our relationship is stronger rather than diminished or damaged?
[Read: 6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All.]
As you meet your child’s psychological needs and continue to provide a solid foundation of love and belonging at home, there’s something you can do that will bolster your relationship and benefit your growing son or daughter in myriad ways, no matter your child’s age: Eat dinner together as a family.
In 2003, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University conducted a survey examining the “correlation between frequent family dinners and reduced risk that a teen will smoke, drink or use illegal drugs.” Since then, similar research has been done by a wide variety of organizations with results reported in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, Pediatrics, the Journal of Adolescent Health, the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, Health Psychology, the Journal of Family Psychology and other journals, all supporting and replicating the findings of the original CASA research.
Here’s another tip: Don’t allow cell phones at the dinner table. There is almost an equal plethora of research supporting the limited use of cell phones for your child’s development in general, and studies show that cell phone use can interfere with developing meaningful and healthy relationships. Connecting with others electronically does not satisfy a person’s need for love and belonging as effectively as actually being with, talking to and learning about one another face to face.
Aim to have family dinners a minimum of five days a week. Be sure to collect all cell phones and put them out of sight. Ask that they’re muted, too (and not on vibrate), so your kids won’t hear them either.
Yes, you and your teenager have busy lives. Generally speaking, family dinners tend to drop off starting when teens transition from middle school to high school. This decline occurs at the time when a teen is more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as drug or alcohol abuse, because of their age and their developmental phase.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
The research is clear that teens who have dinner with their families two nights or less a week are at double the risk of substance abuse, as compared with teens who dine with their families more frequently. Teens who eat dinner with their families five or more times a week report less stress, less boredom and greater academic success. So no matter how busy everyone gets, it’s important that families prioritize having meals together.
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Want to Stay Connected to Your Growing Child? Eat Dinner Together originally appeared on usnews.com
