After a long day of work and managing various responsibilities, there’s nothing more frustrating than your child refusing to listen. It’s hardly a pleasant experience to negotiate bath time or bedtime with your 6 year old. So how can parents say no and avoid the frustration that often comes along with it? The key is to set up a steady and consistent system by setting boundaries with children.
It’s important to keep in mind that questioning a directive is a typical part of healthy child development. In order to understand that their guardians are consistent and reliable, a child will test the boundaries to feel a sense of comfort and security when that boundary is maintained. This may sound confusing — my child wants to be told no? In short, yes. Setting boundaries for your children provides a sense of order that’s comforting and supportive. Below are some helpful parenting strategies to say no to your child’s negative behavior.
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Heed Behaviors Wisely
Most parents are unaware of how powerful their attention is and how they can use it as a tool to help them set limits effectively. Imagine that a parent’s attention is like a spotlight, and when it’s shone on a child, he or she feels special. A child begins to think, “Hey, I like that feeling. I’m going to try and get more of it,” so they increase the frequency and intensity of the behavior that got them that attention.
In scientific terms, it’s called reinforcement. The tricky part is that both positive and negative attention can reinforce a child’s behavior, meaning that saying “Good job” and “Stop that!” can have the same effect. Attention from a parent is so powerful for a child that he or she will actually behave badly because it means that it’ll prompt a reaction. Has there ever been a behavior that you have told your child not to do, then the next time they do it you raise your voice, and the next time you’re yelling, and then the next time you’re engaged in a debate? Does it seem like their behavior gets worse each time? That is exactly the phenomenon described here.
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Disregard Negative Behaviors
The strategy that’s most useful to decrease your child’s negative behavior is to ignore it. This is inversely related to the reinforcement problem described above. The less attention a child receives for a behavior, the less likely he or she is to repeat it. Since it results in no response from their parents, over time a child will learn that there’s little utility in that behavior and discontinue. For parents, this strategy requires strength of mind and patience — particularly when attempting to shape a behavior that’s well-established. Let’s take whining, for example. Usually Johnny whines when he wants to get a doughnut after school, and no matter what, if he does it long enough and intensely enough, his mother gives in. Now that she’s trying to shape this behavior, she decides to ignore his whines. It’s important to be steadfast and committed to breaking a series of bad behaviors.
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Take Care of Yourself
Self-care often gets cast aside by many parents. It’s actually a benefit to you and your children if you build time into your schedule that involves doing something that feels good. Whether that’s a warm bubble bath, a long walk in the park or a dinner date with a friend, parents should make time to de-stress. It’ll help with overall mood, and most importantly, allow you to have more patience and tranquility to engage in the more challenging parenting task of setting limits.
Underlying all these principles is the theme of consistency and clarity. Parents need to help their children understand the consequences of their behaviors so they can exercise good decision-making and understand that their “no” is an opportunity for learning. Free yourself from the idea that there are perfect parents out there, because there is no such thing. Parenting is not about perfection. It’s about establishing a strong bond with your child and helping him or her learn rules for behavior and conduct that will help them engage with the world in a safe and effective way.
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Telling Your Child No Without Saying It originally appeared on usnews.com
