A 14-year-old girl is asked to send a topless picture to a male peer on a popular social media platform. Believe it or not, she’s prepared for this. She and her friends talk about this “obsessively,” and they all agree to say no if they receive such a request. They promise to support each other and stand up to the boys making these requests.
What she isn’t prepared for is what comes next. The “slut shaming” begins the very next day. The boy’s peer group turns on her and take turns calling her every possible sexualized word you can imagine. This is the first she’s hearing of most of these words, and she’s embarrassed both by the harassment and the fact that she feels like the only person in her small school who doesn’t seem to understand the context.
What’s worse, her girlfriends — who had promised to stick together — join forces with the boys. She feels alone, but doesn’t tell her parents. She’s sure they’ll think she did something horrible to live up to her newfound reputation.
[Read: Teen Dating Violence: What Parents and Teens Should Know.]
What may sound like a middle school horror story happens more than you might think. Sadly, research shows that at least 1 in 4 middle school students say they’ve experienced verbal or physical sexual harassment at school.
It’s frightening to think that misogyny and sexual harassment are the new normal in middle school, but it only gets worse from there.
New findings from the Making Caring Common Project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education show that 87 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 25 have experienced at least one of the following forms of sexual harassment thus far in their lifetime: being catcalled, being touched by a stranger without permission, being insulted with sexualized words by a man or a woman, having a stranger say something sexual to them or having a stranger describe them as “hot.”
Making Caring Common surveyed over 3,000 young adults and high school students to gain a better understanding of young people’s romantic and sexual experiences. Despite the fact that sexual harassment appears to be pervasive among young adults, researchers found that 76 percent of respondents had never had a conversation with their parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others. The good news in all of this is that a large majority of young people (70 percent) want to know about the emotional aspects of romantic relationships.
So the burning question among parents shouldn’t be, “When do we have the talk about safe sex?” but “When and how do we teach our kids about developing healthy romantic relationships and preventing sexual harassment?” While there’s no perfect script for striking up a conversation about these tricky matters with your kids, consider discussing these topics:
Reflect on the many forms of love. Adults and young people can have very different understandings of the meaning of love. Teens, for example, might perceive intense feelings or an inability to stop thinking about someone as indicators of love, where adults are more likely to focus on long-term relationships and togetherness.
Talk about how love can mean different things to different people, including differences across cultures. Become love detectives together to explore the many forms of love that exist in the world. Share your own experiences to explain how love can change and grow over time.
Talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Teens are under a lot of pressure, and romantic relationships come with a learning curve. Without proper guidance and information, teens might not know whether or not they’re in a healthy relationship.
Talk to your teen about the meaning of mutual respect and the fact that it’s perfectly normal for relationships to ebb and flow. Teen dating is often romanticized or dramatized in the media, and that makes it difficult to understand what’s healthy versus what’s unhealthy. A simple question to start the conversation might be, “Does this relationship make you feel better or worse, happier or more stressed?” It’s important to teach teens that romantic relationships can be empowering, loving and caring, but they can also cause stress and lead to arguments.
[Read: 5 Reasons Teens Sext.]
Define sexual harassment. I find that neither girls nor boys understand the meaning of sexual harassment. They don’t understand that both girls and boys can be sexually harassed, and that sexual harassment goes beyond unwanted touching.
Talk about the many ways sexual harassment manifests, including the following:
— Verbal harassment, including comments, rumors, catcalls or jokes
— Cyber harassment — posts on social media, text messaging and email
— Physical harassment, such as unwanted touching or kissing
— Nonverbal harassment, including gestures, writing sexually explicit things about someone
— Unwanted behavior, such as repeatedly asking someone on a date when they’ve said no, following or stalking
Once you’ve helped your child understand what sexual harassment looks like, talk to them about ways to handle it. Here are some examples of what kids can do:
— Call it what it is. Use the words “sexual harassment,” not “bullying.”
— Tell a trusted adult.
— Jot down notes, including the time of day, the place it occurred and other people present.
— Report it to the school.
[See: 10 Ways to Broach the Subject of Sex With Your Teen.]
One thing kids need to learn early on as well is to speak up when they see sexual harassment occur. Just because it isn’t happening to your child doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. When parents and schools create a culture of caring by encouraging kids to look out for one another and get help for each other, kids learn to lead with integrity and stand up to negative behaviors.
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How to Talk to Kids About Sexual Harassment originally appeared on usnews.com
