We live in a sexualized culture.
Everywhere you and your kids look are sexually explicit messages and content. Yet, despite the apparent overexposure, most parents tell me they find it very difficult to talk with their kids about sexuality.
Setting the stage for your child’s sexual life is very important. As parents, we all want our children to be sexually healthy. This means not feeling ashamed of their own sexual parts and sexual feelings. Sometimes parents don’t realize that sexual curiosity starts at a very young age and that children’s interest in their genitals is normal and healthy. This can be difficult for parents to understand because of their own inhibitions about sex.
If you harbor feelings that sex is dirty and shameful, then you may unwittingly pass this on to your children. This often begins with parents refusing to give any names to their children’s genitals. References to “down there” and “that place” imply it’s too embarrassing to even mention. Other parents make up funny names for their children’s genitals to avoid the use of the proper terms that seem too humiliating to them. The problem with this is that it not only transmits shame but also leaves your child open for embarrassment when he or she makes reference to the name and no peer or teacher knows what the child is talking about.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Instead, use universal anatomical terms, such as vagina, labia, penis and testicles. If you’re unsure of the anatomy and terms, get familiar, so you can explain it to your child when he or she asks. This is especially important for parents of girls, whose anatomy is less obvious.
Help your child to feel pleased with what they have. Then tell them that their genitals are private, and no one else should ever be touching it.
Don’t panic if your child masturbates. It’s perfectly normal. Just tell them it’s a private thing and shouldn’t be done in public. If however they’re constantly masturbating, it could be a sign of problematic anxiety.
Preschool children will notice pregnant women and want to know where babies come from. Most kids this age are not ready to hear about sexual intercourse and, generally speaking, you don’t need to give them the specifics yet. What they want to know is where in your body the baby grows and how it comes out. You want to always be honest with your child. It erodes trust if you make something up — like telling the stork story — which you must correct later.
On the other hand, only give them as much information as they need to understand, depending on their age and maturity. You can simply say one of Daddy’s sperm and one of Mommy’s eggs come together to make a baby that grows in the uterus. The uterus is in the belly, and the baby comes out through the vagina. If your child seems concerned — as many women are — about how a big baby comes out a small vagina, reassure them that the vagina is very stretchy, so it’s not a problem. If on the other hand, your child was a product of artificial insemination or adopted, in addition to talking about eggs and sperm coming together and growing in a uterus, you might also explain the particulars that relate to your child’s birth.
Somewhere along the way in elementary school — probably around age 7 to 10 — your child will want to know more specifics about where babies come from. By now kids get that the sperm is in Daddy and the egg in Mommy. So naturally they’re wondering how one gets to the other. There are many ways your child may ask, so be open to their questions and try to discern what they’re specifically curious about. For instance, if your child asks what a tampon is, you should answer that question; but also be open to where the questioning is going, because it may be the child’s way of asking about sex. Again, the key here is to be open, honest and not filled with obvious embarrassment.
[Read: 7 No-Fail Responses to Your Child’s Questions About Sex.]
Many parents put off talking about sex with their children because they feel embarrassed. Don’t make that mistake.
This is your opportunity to establish yourself as the source of sexual information. If you wait, then other children will tell your child about sex, and unfortunately your child is likely to get inaccurate information, which will be difficult for you to correct. In addition, they will view their peers as the source of information in the future, rather than you, and you will likely not be happy with that outcome.
By being the first to talk with your child about sex, you can lay the groundwork for instilling some of your morals and values. In addition to providing accurate information, you should tell your child what you think about when it’s time to have sex with someone — for instance, when you love someone very much or when you’re married.
What you say now has great impact. It’s not a time to be disapproving. Scaring them into not having sex can have a lasting effect on their sexuality, which you want to be healthy and positive when they’re grown. Sex becomes a vital part of any good marriage or long-term romantic relationship.
For girls, it’s important to tell them about menstruation and their bodies before girls in their class start menstruating. By age 10, there certainly will be one or two girls who will begin menstruating, so the news will be out. It’s very scary for a girl to experience body changes without any explanation of what’s going on and that it’s normal. If your daughter has not brought anything up by this time, you should initiate the conversation.
Here are some additional suggestions for talking with your kids about sex:
Be ready for your child’s questions. Determine exactly what your child is asking about. Then provide him or her with honest, accurate information. You don’t need to give details your child isn’t asking about. Let your child guide the conversation.
Do your homework. If you’re particularly anxious about sexual matters, read and re-read books written on relevant topics, like the body changes preteens go through. This will extinguish some of your nervousness; and that’s important, since you don’t want to convey to your child that there’s something shameful about sex.
Use reference materials. If you feel anxious discussing sexual material, a book can give you a kind of script to guide the discussion.
Share your perspective and values. Start the conversation with what you hope your child will do when he or she is older regarding sex. For example, you can say, “This is a way of expressing your love to your partner someday.” A recent study showed that a mother’s opinion about sex affected the age of her daughter’s first sexual encounter.
[Read: How to Talk to Your Children About Consent and Sexual Assault.]
Don’t wait to talk about sexuality. Before your child is in middle school, make sure you’ve begun the conversation — even if your child hasn’t yet brought it up yet.
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