It’s that time of year again. High school seniors who plan to attend college in the fall are gearing up to take the plunge.
As families prepare for the life-altering change, not only students but parents often experience increasing anxiety.
We usually think of separation anxiety as something experienced by younger children. We see kids tear up when they have to leave their parents; a child may hold tight to a mother’s hand or a father’s leg. However, separation anxiety is not limited to children. As kids prepare to leave the nest, parents may experience this kind of anxiety as well.
[See: 7 Healthy Dorm Must-Haves.]
It’s natural to worry about your child when he or she leaves home. As your baby becomes a college student, you only know what he is willing to share with you. Despite being more connected than ever, you still only know the basics, and now you have to rely on inconsistent and sporadic contact to glimpse what is happening in your child’s life.
A parent’s anxiety becomes a problem, however, when that parent doesn’t know how to let go. If a parent is constantly thinking about a child, can’t sleep for fear that something might be wrong, is reaching out to check in all the time and is consumed with worry about what the child is doing, that parent may be experiencing separation anxiety. While we often think our worry is about another person (in this case, the child), it may really be about how you, as the parent are doing. Are you going to be OK now that your child has left home?
According to Dr. Jess Shatkin, a psychiatrist at New York University’s Child Study Center, “Whether the student lives at home or goes away to attend college, the move represents an emotional separation for both parents and child. For most, the end of high school marks the symbolic end of childhood.” For many parents, this can be a time of excitement. Simultaneously, though, parents commonly experience a sense of loss. This loss may amplify the anxiety parents are also experiencing.
[Read: How Parental Stress Negatively Affects Kids.]
Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, parents may struggle with relinquishing control. It’s important to let go and allow your children make decisions for themselves. While you can provide advice and guidance, you have to take a step back.
So, how can parents manage their own fears while supporting their children as they explore the world without them? Here are some strategies to try:
— Refocus your energy. You have more time now to focus on yourself and what you enjoy doing. Revisit old interests. Discover new ones.
— Readjust your expectations. Your child will always need you. She will just need you differently. Your relationship will shift as your child matures and gains more equal footing. Recognizing this, and encouraging the change in your dynamic will promote positive interactions and engagement.
— Provide guidance. When your anxiety is in full force, it’s easy to want to over-engage and overextend yourself, doing as you can for your child, even if that’s not what your child needs. Offer advice and guidance, without the pressure. It’s a fine line, and one that you need to work out with your child.
— Accept that your child will make mistakes. College is a time of exploration for students. It’s a time for kids to separate from parents and become more independent. As part of this learning process, students will make mistakes and parents need to prepare for that.
[See: How College Students Can Avoid Getting Sick.]
It’s scary to watch your child leave home, entering a world where you cannot protect him from all he may encounter. Your job shifts from parent to mentor. As Melissa T. Shultz writes in her book, “From Mom to Me Again: How I Survived My First Empty-Nest Year and Reinvented the Rest of My Life,” “The goal is for your children to feel as if they can come to you without fear of disappointment, anger and judgment. That means that both of you have to make the shift, and it starts with you — you have to make the effort to see them in a new light so they see themselves in that light too.”
Take a minute to recognize that you instilled in your child the values needed to make good choices and be successful. Now take a deep breath. You and your child will be OK.
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Managing Your Separation Anxiety as Your Child Enters College originally appeared on usnews.com
