I’ve never met an adult who didn’t have an opinion about spanking — whether they thought it essential to raising children or a lousy idea.
Even today, parents seem pretty evenly split in regards to whether they believe spanking is OK. Despite there being no consensus on the matter, I think all parents should consider an important question if they spank or are thinking about spanking: What do you want that you’re trying to get by spanking?
For parents who spank, some may do so because they don’t know what else to do to ensure that their children will be respectful, responsible and follow the rules. Others hope that their children will remember the pain and learn the lesson as a result. Still others believe “a good spanking” let’s your child know you mean business, and that you aren’t going to let your child get away with misbehaving.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Would you be surprised to learn that from the perspective of a misbehaving child their behavior is not their problem? For instance, when a child knocks over a vase of flowers while playing ball in the house, from the child’s point of view, the problem is that he wanted to keep playing. He doesn’t know any other way to do that than to misbehave. Despite how it sometimes feels, a child doesn’t misbehave just to annoy parents or for the sake of being mischievous. Children do what they do to get what they want, whether that means following the rules or making their own.
In the same way, you may use discipline to try to get what you want. However, when you spank your child, you run the risk of damaging the relationship you have with the child. Perhaps your child learns the lesson you want to teach him. But he also might learn that you are a person who hurts and hits him, a person he doesn’t like and doesn’t want to spend time with. You also run the risk of damaging your child’s relationship with herself. Although this may never be your intended message, some children learn and believe that they are bad, naughty and unlovable.
You might also be surprised to learn that research into the effects of spanking finds the practice may diminish the size of a child’s growing brain and alter their ability to learn, as well as increasing a child’s risk for exhibiting higher levels of aggression. In addition, spanking may cause epigenetic changes to a child’s developing brain, meaning that it may change a child’s DNA and the DNA of his or her children.
[Read: Is Mom and Dad’s Depression Making the Kids Go Wild?]
So, instead of spanking, here’s another approach you can try: Every time your child does something he’s not supposed to do, ask what he wants. For example, “What do you want that you’re trying to get by hitting your brother?” The child may tell you he wants a toy his brother is playing with. Now ask if he’s willing to learn a new, more responsible and respectful way to get what he wants. “If we can figure out another way to help you get the truck without hurting your brother, are you willing to learn?” Your child will say yes, more often than not. Use the opportunity to teach your child to behave responsibly and respectfully. Now you will have what you want, and your child will have what he wants.
When the misbehavior is not immediate, but occurred in the past, the process doesn’t change. “David, what did you want that you were trying to get by coming home later than our agreed upon curfew last night?” This was an actual exchange between one of my sons and me during his teenage years. “I didn’t want to break up everybody’s fun just because I had to leave earlier. I stayed to the end of the game, like everyone else,” he explained. Once we established what he wanted and what I wanted, we worked together to change plans mid-stream. The next time, David agreed, he would call me and talk with me about making a new arrangement that satisfied us both.
Be prepared to repeat this lesson more than once, and even several times. Just like your child needed to stand and fall many times before she became steady on her feet, it may take your kids practice to get what they want in an acceptable way before they are able to master these new skills.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
So start now and seize the opportunity that comes with every misstep and misbehavior to teach your child. This is the magical moment when your child is interested and ready to learn in more respectful and responsible ways.
More from U.S. News
The 5 Latest Poison Control Threats Kids Face
7 Ways Technology Can Torpedo Your Health
Why You Shouldn’t Spank Your Child — and What to Do Instead originally appeared on usnews.com
