Upon learning a child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, many parents may engage in self-blame. “It’s my fault since I have ADHD,” or “My child has to give up on the life they would have had,” are some of the feelings parents may experience, says Sue West, a productivity and ADHD coach who resides in New Hampshire.
Parents may also think their child’s ADHD diagnosis stems from bad parenting, perhaps questioning whether they provided their child with too little — or perhaps too much — attention, says Dr. Julia Breur, licensed clinical psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida.
[See: Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities.]
Shifting Negative Thoughts
New Jersey resident Dona Yasser, an adult with ADHD, says she “felt terrible” when she realized her two sons had the disorder, feeling responsible about possibly passing it on to them. She’s even observed other parents of children with ADHD receive hurtful, unhelpful feedback. They’ll say a child “just needs some discipline” or is being spoiled. These people only add fuel to a parent’s guilt-ridden fire, she says.
Confidence in your child and the knowledge that you know your child best, Yasser explains, is essential. “The worst thing a parent of a child with ADHD can do is nothing. Get the support the whole family needs.”
West, who is also president of the Institute for Challenging Disorganization, explains that such negative-to-positive shifts in thinking are critical for parents. She adds that thinking of an ADHD diagnosis as “another unique part of your child — not in terms of ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than a neurotypical child” — is vital, as is educating yourself about the disorder.
ADHD Causes
“Research suggests possible links between ADHD and pesticides, alcohol, tobacco, food additives, toxins, DNA and even environment,” Breur says. However, she notes that of all of these possible causes, genetics appears to be the most likely reason behind a child’s ADHD diagnosis.
In fact, it’s the first point in the Mayo Clinic’s list of ADHD causes, which are outlined as follows:
Genetics. ADHD can run in families, and studies indicate that genes may play a role.
Environment. Certain environmental factors, such as lead exposure, may increase risk.
Development. Problems with the central nervous system at key moments in development may play a role.
One study suggests genetic mutations involving specific genes — glutamate receptor metabotropic network genes — are a probable ADHD cause. These genes are associated with neurotransmitter pathways in the nervous system that are responsible for control or modulation of neuronal excitability. Dr. Josephine Elia from Nemours/Alfred L. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware, reported the findings at the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 63rd Annual Meeting in New York City. During this 2016 meeting, Elia explained that when over 1,000 children and adolescents — all of whom either met official diagnostic criteria for ADHD screening or had a history of the disorder — were screened via a saliva test, 22 percent of the study sample had this mutation.
Additionally, 2012 research from the National Human Genome Research Institute found that “children who have ADHD usually have at least one close biological (blood) relative who also has ADHD.”
This genetic research is all the more reason for parents to rid themselves of guilty thoughts that their child’s diagnosis is about bad parenting. “There is strong evidence that suggests ADHD is passed down from parents, not from parenting style,” Breur says.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Beyond Genetics
Influences beyond genetics, environmental and developmental factors may also be associated with ADHD development. The Mayo Clinic notes “the exact cause of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is not clear” and that research efforts are ongoing. As such, they also list several other factors that may be linked to ADHD:
— Exposure to environmental toxins — such as lead, found mainly in paint and pipes in older buildings
— Maternal drug use, alcohol use or smoking during pregnancy
— Premature birth
It’s normal, says Breur, for parents to question if the reason their child has the disorder is due to their own parenting style or their life decisions — past or present. Everything from thoughts about drinking too much alcohol, paying too little or too much attention to a child or wondering if a divorce played a role may be common.
Breaking free from these thoughts can help parents and, in turn, help their children, release any anxieties or guilt associated with the diagnosis. Not doing so, Breur explains, may create a vicious cycle in which a child observes a parent’s persistent negative feelings, adding more stress to an already-challenging environment.
Coping with Negative Feelings
When negative feelings about your child’s behaviors or your parenting style and life choices arise, Breur offers encouraging words.
“Do not take behavioral setbacks personally,” she says, explaining that mistakes will happen. View challenges as a learning experience for parent and child, rather than becoming angry or feeling guilty. Develop a positive tone and a “we can do this better together” approach, Breur says. Try your best to remain calm, include your child in a variety of decision-making processes and “never give up trying to help and teach your child.”
Yasser is a prime example of a parent who remains diligent in her efforts with her two sons. She overcame her guilty feelings, she says, “then got busy helping them learn techniques for coping and calming.” She’s adamant that “ADHD is in no way the result of parenting.”
[See: 8 Ways to Relax Now.]
West also reminds parents to take their own wellness into consideration. “Take care of yourself so you can be the parent,” she says. “Consider therapy or a coach to help manage emotions and to learn practical strategies.” She also suggests journaling, exercising or turning to meditation. Regardless of your choice of coping, West adds that there are many venting methods to help you realize that a child’s ADHD diagnosis and the challenges that often come with it are “really not about you.”
More from U.S. News
8 Resolutions Health Experts Want You to Make
10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year
Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism: Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities
What Do We Know About the Causes of ADHD? originally appeared on usnews.com
