Dating is a rite of passage for kids — and for their parents.
Striking the right balance to provide necessary support while granting your teen the autonomy needed to successfully manage in this unchartered territory is not easy. But it’s important that you’re there for your child to provide guidance when needed, as you also allow your child to learn and grow.
When kids begin dating, they not only strike out in search of new relationships but rely on existing bonds with friends and family. Of course, you don’t want to smother your kids or leave them feeling unsupported during this transitional time. So here are some ways you can maintain a positive relationship with your child, while giving them the freedom to follow their hearts:
Remember that dating is tough. We are lucky that, to some extent, our brain edits difficult memories. It would be impossible to function if we remembered every misfire or break-up. However, the fact that we may have forgotten some of these difficulties can make it harder to empathize with our kids when they experience their own disappointments.
When you were going through it, you felt as if you lived or died with every look, touch, and at that time, passed note or phone call. Time and experience have taught you those things are not as important as they seemed then. But it’s up to you to deal with these issues as your teen experiences them on his or her terms.
You will deal with elation and dread. You will feign excitement over a silly text and comfort sobs over something that was never going to work in the first place. Try to remember what it felt like to go through a torrent of such emotions as an adolescent, and parent with that understanding in mind.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Manage your thoughts and feelings. While it’s important to empathize with your child, you don’t want to get caught up in the same feelings your child is experiencing. For a while, you’re going to have to be the brains of the operation. Kids have not yet developed a “wise mind” — the ability to balance emotions and reason to make good decisions. They get the emotional part, but not the reasonable part. That’s on you.
Be aware of and accept your feelings and thoughts about the fact that your teen is dating, and about love, sex and the person he’s dating. Feelings can’t be right or wrong, but the ways that you express them can. It’s important to temper your behavior with a wise mind. Your teen will learn to manage and express emotions — especially difficult ones — from you. You may really like your kid’s girlfriend. It’s OK to share that, but do so with care, since young relationships begin and end all the time. Or you may not like the person your teen is dating at all. If you choose to express that, do so very carefully.
[Read: How to Talk to Your Children About Consent and Sexual Assault.]
Reinforce values. You’ve spent your child’s whole life teaching her about good and bad behaviors. As you model how to deal with the great and terrible emotions of dating, keep in mind that you’re also teaching her about your beliefs regarding privacy, respect, sex and love.
Your teen will likely challenge your authority when dating, such as by staying out past curfew. See this as an opportunity to reinforce the values you hold dear by insisting on sticking to an established curfew and knowing where he is when he’s out. Make sure he understands and follows rules about who is allowed in his bedroom and when the door can be closed.
Talk and listen. This is about balance. While dating is a time when your child’s natural need for privacy intensifies, make sure to keep the lines of communication open. That includes continuing to talk about what’s going on at school and with friends
Trust your teen. By the time your child is dating, you’ve let go of a lot. You’ve sent her to school and let her cross the street by herself. She’s spent the night at friends’ houses and went away to camp. Those things took an incredible amount of trust.
[Read: Make STDs Part of the Dating Conversation.]
As your teen starts to date — as you support him, while managing your emotions and modeling good behavior — remember and take comfort in knowing that you taught him most of what he knows. You’ve done a good job, and so will he.
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How to Manage When Your Teen Starts Dating originally appeared on usnews.com
