The vast majority of high school juniors and seniors, along with their parents, are consumed by the college application process. For two years, the family energy swirls around research, tutoring, touring, resume and essay writing, waiting, and then finally, acceptances.
This is a nerve-wracking and exciting time, but in its wake, parents often don’t recognize that the process — as well as the actual packing up and departure — can have a significant impact on a younger sibling. This can begin with the perception that, during these two years, mom or dad doesn’t have enough time or attention for anything other than the older child. Even if this isn’t true, it sure seems like it to a younger sister or brother, who may feel resentful or marginalized. This is particularly likely for a child who is already vulnerable, such as one who is insecure or struggles with anxiety, depression or social stress. As a parent, it’s essential to recognize these feelings, encourage your child to talk about them and then do your best to make time for all your kids.
[See: How College Students Can Avoid Getting Sick.]
Even when parents are able to balance the attention paid to all children, they may not recognize that for a younger child, the anticipation of a sibling leaving for college can be destabilizing. To start, he or she might feel it as a real loss. Some sibling relationships are much closer than parents recognize — a fact obscured by typical sibling bickering. Losing the daily presence of a sibling is especially hard for the younger child, because the college-bound child is off to bigger and better things. It’s beneficial to help your older child develop sensitivity to this dynamic, and encourage communication between kids. Talk to both about all the ways they can stay in touch, such as phone calls, texting, video chatting, vacations at home and family weekends at college.
You can also help your younger child focus on the positive changes that will occur once the older child is away. That might include things such as no fighting over the remote, always getting the best spot on the couch, choosing the restaurant every time the family goes out to eat and being able to finish sentences without interruptions.
[Read: How Parents Can Identify Mental Health Problems in Their College Kids.]
If this is your first of two children going to college, it means that your younger child will suddenly experience being an only child. In some ways this will be terrific because, for the first time ever, he or she will not have to share your attention. However, don’t be surprised if there is an adjustment period to this new normal, and even discomfort about being in the spotlight. This is because, as birth order typically demands, younger children fly under the parental radar and the highest expectations are placed on the oldest child. Your child may not be ready for the shift, experiencing your attention as nagging, excessive discipline or an invasion of privacy. Alternatively, if you do not adequately manage your own sad feelings about your older child going away to school, your younger child could feel less loved, or that he or she isn’t as valued or important to you as your college-bound child.
Observing the grueling two-year process leaves some younger kids fearful that they will never be able to live up to the success of an older child, or even get into college. Others worry that they won’t want to go away to college, disappointing parents who were so excited about an older sibling embracing the next step. Recognizing that children often compare themselves harshly to an older sibling will help you meet the academic, social and emotional needs of each child separately. Knowing that your younger child may feel stress or anxiety about the prospect of college, you can offer reassurance that you don’t compare, and that when the time comes, you will help your child find a school that is a really great fit.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
The most important part of helping children manage this big change is to give them room to work through their feelings and then adjust to the new normal. This may take time and patience, but it’s well worth it for kids who remain at home until it’s their time for them to spread their wings and fly off to college.
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How to Help a Child Cope With An Older Sibling Going to College originally appeared on usnews.com
