It seems today that people are more self-centered and entitled than ever. The problem appears to span all ages and, in my observation, is especially true of children.
In my private practice, I have never had so many demands of me, combined with the expectation that I will just do what is being asked because the person asking “deserves” it. This isn’t limited to children or teens, and it starts with parents. If a parent arrives 45 minutes late for a 60-minute appointment, with no apology or acknowledgment, how can we expect his or her children to act differently?
In today’s world of helicopter parenting, over-involved guardians and uber-protected children, we are raising a self-focused, “all about me” generation. Children often believe that things will just be done for them. If they wait long enough, someone will pick up after them. If they ask enough times, someone will give in. If they act disappointed or sad, someone will give them what they want. If they seem remorseful enough, someone will cover for them or let the situation slide.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
We aren’t holding children and young adults accountable for their actions. They can save their allowance to replace the cell phone they lost. They can figure out how to talk to the teacher about the forgotten homework. They can repair the relationship with the therapist whose appointment they blew off. Children and young adults are pretty resilient and resourceful when we let them be. Unfortunately, most of the time, parents are afraid to loosen the reins and let them be. It’s time for that to change.
The field of behavioral economics is instrumental in examining entitlement, as it combines psychological theory with economic ideas. More specifically, it looks at how people deal with limitations and gains when making decisions. Thinking about entitlement through this lens is fascinating. For example, we often think that young people are motivated by money, and therefore we pay them to do their chores. What happens, though, when the teen doesn’t really want the money because there is no party this weekend or nothing he or she currently wishes to purchase? That chore may not get done, because there is no motivation to do it. The money, although exciting at first, loses value. The extrinsic reward does not create intrinsic motivation. So, what happens? We up the reward. Ultimately, we teach our children that they can demand more and expect to get it, building their sense of entitlement.
Standing up for yourself and what you want is an important skill. Expecting to get what you want without putting forth effort is often where the problem lies. So how do you begin to break it down and teach our kids to strike a healthy balance? Here are some tips:
Teach perspective. If we want to teach someone to understand another point of view, we have to show them how. Encourage your child to consider how another person might be feeling, or what someone else might think about a given situation.
Amy McCready, author of “The ‘Me, Me, Me’ Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World,” notes that we “need to uncenter our children’s universe and get them to think outside themselves.” In doing this, children begin to see that it’s not all about them, and that there are others to consider. This can be incredibly helpful in building a moral compass and promoting healthy relationships.
[Read: 6 Way to ‘Deprogram’ a Materialistic Kid.]
Expect more. Your children are not withering flowers incapable of doing things for themselves. In fact, the only way your child will actually do things for himself is if you get out of the way.
In her book, “The Gift of Failure,” Jessica Lahey talks about the importance of letting your child fall on her face, while encouraging her to get back up and keep trying. We can’t expect our children to be successful if they don’t know how to fail first. It’s only through failure that we learn. We’re doing a disservice to them by doing too much. Your kids will surprise you in how much they can actually do.
Hold the line. It’s important not to say yes when you should say no. We often over-indulge to avoid disappointment and argument. Neither are good reasons to give in. When we cave to demands, we fail to teach our children how to handle not getting what they want, a skill they certainly need in life. It’s never fun to disappoint another person. Sometimes, though, it will happen. As the adult, you can model how to handle it and how to maintain a relationship in the face of feeling badly.
Give back. It’s never too early to provide opportunities for gratitude and giving back. Gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. Create chances for your child to give back to others who might be in greater need. When your child outgrows clothes or toys, take him with you to donate them to a shelter or a family. Providing an opportunity to help in a more personalized way has greater meaning and staying power than donating to a cause far away. This lesson can stay with your child for a long time and serve as a good balance to the entitlement that might develop.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Parents always want to provide for their children. They want to give them the best of everything. Unfortunately, sometimes that backfires, leading to children who only want, want, want. Instead, as parents, we must model for our kids how to decrease the “me” focus and prioritize caring for others.
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How to Reduce Kids’ Sense of Entitlement in a ‘Me’ Generation originally appeared on usnews.com
