I’ve been working with kids and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents for about three decades. During that time I’ve observed many changes in the way parents raise their children.
One particular trend I’ve noticed over the years is that parents today are less likely to teach kids about resiliency than in the past. In fact, it seems many parents are now unwittingly raising kids who lack resiliency, or the capacity to recover quickly from disappointment or a difficult situation. Without grit, kids may fall apart or become immobilized in the face of tough circumstances, and not have the ability to swiftly bounce back to face the next task or challenge.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
To overcome such deficits, we must understand what we as parents may be doing to contribute to this issue — and how we can bolster resiliency. First, here are some ways we may miss the mark:
We’re too quick to intervene and “fix” things for our kids. This gives our kids the impression that they’re incapable of dealing with tough circumstances without parental assistance. Additionally, it deprives them of the opportunity to practice reacting to situations in a calm, effective manner.
We overreact to situations that upset kids. This can make matters worse, leading kids to get more upset than is warranted. It’s better for parents and children to behave calmly in the face of adversity. Parents need to monitor their emotional reactions, since kids model parents’ behavior. A child who becomes intensely anxious or frazzled is not a child who can recover quickly.
We treat our kids like robots and overemphasize achievement. How can children get through the day if they’re constantly worried about disappointing their parents by not getting perfect grades? Parents should put the emphasis on effort, learning and enjoyment, not perfection. I know that this idea may not be popular, but both on a professional and personal level, I believe this approach serves our children well in life.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Ways Parents Can Bolster Kids’ Resilience
So, would you like to try to raise a more resilient child — one who is more easily able to skip through the day without getting bogged down by disappointment and excessive emotionality? Of course, who wouldn’t, right? Here are some step you can take to do just that:
Let your kids handle difficult situations on their own. Here, I am thinking primarily of conflict with peers. Let your younger children and teens repair their relationships on their own. You can certainly problem-solve solutions with your children, but don’t attempt to make choices for them. When kids are able to make their own decisions, they have more autonomy. If the situation involves violence or any other type of harm then, of course, you must get involved. In most situations, though, kids learn that every disappointing event is not the end of the world and can be dealt with without falling apart.
Model calmness and a playful spirit. Haven’t you noticed that the most effective people are the ones who retain the ability to stay calm and even find a little humor in tough circumstances?
Focus on how your kids feel about life, not just their achievements. Ask them if they’re having fun, and what they enjoyed about their day. Kids often think that all their parents care about is how they perform, such as at school or in sports. I know this, because kids I see tell me this every day.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Please allow your kids to sit with their feelings. It’s necessary for your children to feel all different kinds of emotions. Try very hard not to relieve them of any and all emotional discomfort immediately. We all need to be able to handle frustration, a little bit of sadness and other uncomfortable emotions. We learn from emotions. The act of dismissing them or soothing them too quickly may be counterproductive. In addition, all of life involves experiencing a variety of feelings, so our kids need practice in dealing with a full range of feelings.
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How to Raise Resilient Kids originally appeared on usnews.com
