When I worked as a school-based therapist, meeting with small groups of kids –often girls — was a regular occurrence. The great benefit of having therapists on campus was that kids didn’t have to sit with uncomfortable emotions throughout the day. They could, and did, seek help when needed.
On one particular day, three middle school girls collapsed on my couch and began to vent their frustrations about a peer. The peer in question had a tendency to both seek attention from the group at all times and interrupt frequently should the attention of the group shift away from her. They were tired of it, and they wanted me to help them figure out a way to talk to their peer about these issues without her “falling apart.”
I had two choices: mediate the situation between these three girls and their friend in an attempt to salvage the relationship, or tap into empathy and help them view their friend through a different lens. I chose the latter, and all it took was one simple question: “I wonder what it feels like to have to seek attention from friends by complaining all day every day?” At first, they were silent. A moment later, they were enraged. How I could take her side? Finally, one girl broke the tension. “You know, we’re so annoyed with her that all we ever do is talk about her instead of thinking about her,” she said.
One by one the girls admitted that they’d never stopped to consider why their friend was so desperately in need of attention. They never thought about the feelings and issues she was afraid to bring up. That group session was eye opening for them because it reminded them to walk in their friend’s shoes before throwing their hands up in frustration. It reminded them to care for their friend instead of hide from her.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
The Power of Empathy
Empathy is talked about but not always practiced. To empathize with another is to both understand and share the feelings of that person. To practice empathy is to be aware of and sensitive to the feelings, thoughts and needs of others. While parents and educators alike talk about the importance of developing empathy in young children, it’s important to note that empathy isn’t something you teach in one sitting. It needs to be practiced daily to become ingrained.
According to survey results from the Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common project, today’s youth values achievement or happiness over caring for others. Researchers surveyed over 10,000 middle and high school students from 33 schools, and the results were startling.
When asked to rank what was most important to them, 80 percent of youth picked high achievement or happiness, while only 20 percent chose caring for others. When asked what they believed was most important to their parents, 80 percent of youth reported that their parents value achievement or personal happiness over caring for others.
The results of this survey echo what I see both in my practice and in my groups: It’s not that kids are incapable of empathy, but that the message they hear is to put “me first,” and this clouds their ability to empathize with others. To close this gap and raise kids who care for and empathize with others, we have to bump daily empathy practice to the top of the to-do list.
The good news is that a simple shift in parenting style can result in big changes when it comes to living an empathic life. Try these steps to cultivate greater empathy in your home:
Discuss emotions. All people have different ways of expressing and coping with emotion. Some kids are prone to internalizing their feelings. They might not appear upset or scream and cry when overwhelmed as others do, but they experience big feelings just the same. Other kids seem to wear their emotions on their sleeves. Parents of these kids know the very instant something upsets them.
Talking about feelings every day helps kids learn to verbalize and discuss their feelings, and it also helps them learn to tune in to the emotions of those around them. By talking about things like voice tone, facial cues and body language, parents can help kids learn to read the room and understand how others feel.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
Model listening skills. One of the most common complaints among the young children who come to me for help is distracted listening by their parents. Kids tell me that their parents aren’t good listeners.
To raise empathic kids, parents have to get back to basics, and that begins with modeling listening skills. Get down to your child’s level. Make eye contact. Repeat back what you heard. Ask follow-up questions for clarification. When parents listen to their kids, kids learn to listen to others.
Be the helper. Kids are often told to look for the helpers when times are tough, but I encourage young kids to be the helpers. When kids learn to look for a friend in need and approach that friend to offer help — like sitting near a child who is left out at lunch — they are empowered to practice empathy on a daily basis.
Reflect on acts of empathy. If you slow down and look around, you’ll see acts of empathy — big and small — happening right before your eyes nearly every day. Reflect on the empathic acts you witness in the community, but don’t stop there. Books, movies and TV shows are full of storylines featuring scenarios where empathy and understanding are required to work through problems. Read with your children — even if you think they’re old enough to read alone — watch movies and TV together, and talk about the acts of empathy and kindness within the stories.
Practice daily reflections. A daily empathy check is a great way to help the whole family work toward a goal of living a caring life. It can be as simple as sitting around the table and asking each family member, “How did you fill someone else’s cup today?” Talk about how each of you reached out to others during the day.
Watch your words. Parents often tell me that they want to raise empathic and compassionate kids, but then they get hyper-focused on things such as grades, test scores and winning games. If you put too much focus on achievement, your kids will learn that achievement matters more than caring. Be mindful of the daily messages you send your kids. Instead of asking about the results of a math test, inquire about friendships. Ask your kids about the connections they make instead of just focusing on the grades they earn.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Help together. The best way to practice caring is to help others together. Get involved in local projects to benefit others, and roll up your sleeves alongside your kids. When families work together for the common good, kids learn that it’s important to do their part to help those around them. That’s a lesson that will last a lifetime.
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How to Close the Empathy Gap originally appeared on usnews.com
