With a little help from my friends
Bert and Ernie. Laverne and Shirley. Calvin and Hobbes. Who would we be without our friends? Not the same, says Gary Lewandowski, chair of the department of psychology at New Jersey’s Monmouth University, whose not-yet-published research finds that, like strong romantic relationships, best friends incorporate each other’s positive traits into their own identities. “The friendships that we’re most satisfied with, most committed to, are the ones that help us grow as a person,” he says. Strong social connections are also linked to better heart health, a stronger immune system, less stress and even a longer life. But not all friends have this power. Here are seven types that might be doing more harm than good:
1. The taker
When good friends lose jobs or lovers, you offer them an ear, a hug and maybe some chocolate — and expect nothing in return. “It’s not the case that if I listen to your problems on Saturday, you have to listen to mine on Sunday” because the giving and taking balances out over the long haul, says Beverley Fehr, an adjunct professor at the University of Winnipeg who studies relationships. Takers, on the other hand, drain you without replenishment, causing “a lot of negative emotions … that affect the whole tone of the relationship,” including resentment and anger, Fehr says. Best to cut ties and invest in a more reciprocal relationship instead.
2. The drama queen (or king)
Dramatic “friends” make for good reality TV, but not good reality. “Stress and anxiety have negative effects on health, so any friendships that routinely create stress and anxiety can be harmful,” says David Frederick, assistant professor of health psychology at Chapman University in Orange, California. Consider the friends who enjoy riling people up, like spreading rumors or believe themselves to be misunderstood and victimized. “These friends can be engaging and entertaining, but also toxic and manipulative, which can be stressful,” Frederick says. And who needs more stress? Move on to friends who ease — not add to — your problems. “Life is too short to deal with many toxic friends,” Frederick says.
3. The bad influence
Tight groups of friends risk spreading more than the common cold to one another. Research suggests they can also spread unwanted pounds. In one study of more than 12,000 people that analyzed data collected over 32 years, researchers found that people’s chances of becoming obese increased by 57 percent if they had a friend who became obese during a given time period. They speculate that surrounding yourself with overweight people can make it more acceptable for you to gain weight, too. Make healthy food and fitness patterns the norm in your social circle instead. “One of the best ways friends can help health is by reinforcing good habits,” Frederick says.
4. The dead weight
What harm is a peripheral friend who doesn’t bring much to the table but doesn’t take much away either? Potentially some, Lewandowski says, since he or she may be holding you back from the type of growing and learning good friends encourage. If you ditch this type of pal, “you’re opening up new opportunities” for friendships that expand — not inhibit — you, Lewandowski says. But you don’t have to “replace” the not-so-great friend to benefit from cutting ties; research suggests quality matters more than quantity when it comes to reaping friendships’ health benefits. “[Prioritize] some of the friendships that come most naturally and that bring the most joy,” Frederick recommends.
5. The friend who needs saving
If you spend time with friends because they make you laugh, share your love of yoga or offer sage advice, they’re keepers. But if you spend time with friends because they make you feel needed, be careful. “Some people can develop a savior complex where they get a boost of energy and joy from helping others, but this also needs to be balanced by an awareness of when this is done to an unhealthy degree,” Frederick says. If you’re beginning to feel weighed down by the responsibility of caring for your friends, take a step back and remember to take time for yourself as well, Frederick suggests.
6. The fight-picker
Can’t we all just get along? If that question could be your squad’s tagline, consider seeking one with a more positive motto. “Relationships that produce a high level of conflict are associated with increased depression and decreased self-esteem,” Frederick says. That hit to psychological health weighs heavier when the problem is between close friends or spouses than between colleagues, neighbors or more distant pairs, he adds. But unlike those relationships, you do have control over who’s in your crew, Frederick points out. “Friends are the one place where we can choose to surround ourselves with the people who bring [us] the most meaning and happiness,” he says.
7. The back-stabber
Most people don’t need prompting to dump a friend who’s dumped on them. “It’s clearly established in [studies] that friendships are likely to end when there’s been a betrayal of trust,” says Fehr, pointing to transgressions like spilling your secrets, keeping mum when you need someone to come to your defense or flirting with your crush. “Friendships have a hard time surviving that kind of event,” she says. And that’s OK: Friends who try to harm your relationships with others — be it through taunts, insults, intimidation or withholding affection — are displaying the type of “relational aggression” characteristic of a toxic friendship, Frederick says. In other words: Move on.
And the friends you should keep
Most friendships don’t end due to a massive blowup, Fehr says, but rather due to simply growing apart. “Some of that tends to be associated with life transitions — your friend gets married or has a baby and you’re not at that life stage, then the friendship is vulnerable to disintegration because you’re on different life pathways,” she says. But that’s no reason to delete your pal’s number. Such friendships are typically considered “dormant,” and thus capable of being reignited when the time is right. Unlike most romantic breakups, Fehr says, “friendships do have that possibility most of the time.”
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7 Types of Friends You Need to Break Up With originally appeared on usnews.com
