How much of your parenting time have you spent teaching, talking and modeling for your children that name-calling, shouting and bullying is no way to behave?
Then along came the 2016 national election cycle. Everything you’ve admonished and taught your children not to do was on display — and your kids were watching.
So what’s a parent to do now? Here are four steps you can take to keep your kids on their best behavior — even when some adults act up.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Perform a Self-Evaluation
Start by asking yourself, “What have I been doing?” This may be the hardest strategy to apply. You already know your children listen and mimic you. This can be both a source of pride and horror. In regards to name-calling and belittling others, you must be vigilant in self-monitoring and clean up your own act. It doesn’t matter if your moments of “sin” happen to be while driving in heavy traffic, as a result of lackluster customer service or when the sports team you were cheering for was the victim of a bad call. Resist the desire to denigrate people because of your frustrations.
Instead of blurting out insults, create an alternative phrase you can say to yourself or aloud, such as “I’m practicing kindness when I don’t feel kind,” “rutabaga, balloons and squirrels” or some other nonsensical phrase. Without going into great explanation for the psychology behind this, trust that it’s easier to give up negative speech by replacing it with positive or neutral speech. If you don’t plan alternative replacements, you are likely to keep saying the nasty things you’re trying to give up.
Be Reassuring
No matter the age of your child, it’s important to let them know through your words and deeds that your family is safe. Angry words directed towards them, their friends, neighbors or classmates can lead to fears and worries about everyone’s safety. The younger your child, the more willing he is to tell you he’s frightened. However, 8-, 9-, and 10-year olds can be frightened, too, but they aren’t as quick to share these worries and fears. And often teenagers believe they shouldn’t feel fear, even if they’re worried about their safety.
It’s OK to assume your child is frightened, and to name this feeling. In addition, it’s especially important to declare your fears and worries when they arise. In so doing, you’re making it clear that it’s OK for family members to share these types of feelings. However, be careful that you don’t overshare and speak of your worries or fears in an overwhelming way. You are offering reassurance and honesty.
Make direct statements of safety. Here are some examples:
— “We are all safe.”
— “Nothing dangerous is happening to any of us now.”
— “We work together as a family to protect one another.”
— “Sometimes hearing angry words leads us to feel unsafe, and that feeling tells us to pay attention. But right now we are safe.”
In addition, be sure to genuinely listen when your child tells you about upsetting events, either those she has witnessed, where someone else was being bullied, or if she was the one who was bullied. Stop what you are doing, and look directly at your child. Sit close. Touch in soothing ways accepted by your child. If you are driving, pull over and stop the car to give your child your full attention.
When the experience is name-calling or perhaps a disagreement that digressed into a shouting match or one person denigrating another, be sure to give your child your full attention as well. Allow him to tell the story. Spend time understanding the events from your child’s perspective. Then discuss possible solutions or ways to handle this kind of issue in the future.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Teach Children How to Courteously Disagree
Disagreeing without being disagreeable is an important skill. One way to teach this is by disagreeing with your partner in front of your children. Here are the essentials of the process:
1. Explain what you want. Be sure the other understands what you want.
2. Have the other explain what she wants, so that you understand.
3. Identify your areas of agreement.
4. Identify your areas of disagreement.
5. Working together, try to come up with as many solutions and compromises as you can, so you both can get much of what you want. It’s really helpful to brainstorm as many ideas as you can, including crazy and silly ones.
6. Decide on the best solution. If none can be found now, agree to address this again at a specified time in the future. Another acceptable way for the discussion to end is with each person agreeing to disagree, rather than seeking a solution. This is an excellent strategy to use with your child when he wants something different than you want.
Model Kindness, Respect and Manners
Do you make requests politely? In your family, do you say thank you to one another? Do you cordially greet one another with kindness and respect, as you come and go throughout the day? If you want to help your children learn kindness, respect and courtesy, then practice these habits regularly.
If a child is accustomed to this type of interaction, it’s also easier for him to stick up for himself if treated poorly. Teach your child to say, “Please don’t speak to me that way,” when another is disrespectful to her, even if the other person is an adult. When other children are visitors in your home and their actions or words cross your line, let them know that in your family you don’t talk to or treat each other that way. It’s helpful to communicate that message to your own children when necessary, too.
[See: What to Say and Do If Your Daughter Thinks She’s Fat.]
Though the election is over, we still have much work to do to ensure a more civil society. Maintaining important connections and relationships with people is essential for a loving, peaceful family, community, nation and world. So keep up the good work, parents. Continue loving, teaching and being vigilant with your children. In so doing, you are helping your children become the responsible and respectful citizens you desire them to be.
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Post-Election Parenting: What to Do When Adults Act Up originally appeared on usnews.com
