As a single parent, you’re the only one who can and should make the rules in your life. And you deserve a “private life” — even if you don’t want or feel capable of involvement or commitment.
Some single moms go to great lengths to keep their sex and dating lives entirely separate from their family lives. If you decide to involve your kids, expect consequences. These consequences will not necessarily be negative or harmful. But it’s important to acknowledge the potential for unintended consequences by giving careful thought to the choices you make.
[See: The 11 Most Dangerous Places in Your Home for Babies and Small Kids.]
Know yourself. Some single moms mingle their dating lives with their parenting responsibilities because they’re lonely, but feel guilty about spending time away from their kids. Trying to multitask your kids’ emotional needs and your romantic desires is rarely successful. If you feel guilty, perhaps your kids have loudly hinted they feel shortchanged; maybe you still grapple with whether your own needs deserve priority status. Being physically present but emotionally unavailable because you’re giving time and attention to a dating partner may backfire.
Persistent doubts about taking time away from your kids signal you’re not ready to date. You may still have unresolved feelings about prior relationships. Maybe your life is in such turmoil that adding any more drama is realistically unthinkable.
Be prepared, when you know you’re ready. If your bedroom is now a family-friendly spot, it’s time to reclaim your space. Nothing kills the mood like random Legos or leftover kid snacks. If the kids often crawl into your bed at night or co-sleep, evaluate these parenting choices in light of your renewed interest in dating and sex.
Install a bedroom door lock. Privacy matters. Make your bedroom a privacy zone, if only to feel more comfortable when satisfying your own sexual needs or just to get dressed without an audience.
Kids who typically sleep soundly create the unrealistic expectation that they’ll never wake up and demand attention in the middle of the night. Waiting until you’ve met someone and then suddenly insisting on a closed or locked bedroom door arouses kids’ curiosity and sparks a barrage of awkward questions. That’s not to mention the potential for humiliation created by your kids’ social media postings. Enough said.
Think about safety . One-night stands may be all that interest you right now. When your sex partner is a stranger, think soberly before bringing this immediately forgettable person home.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Consider the other parent. If you’re still embroiled in a custody dispute or there are other reasons why your kids’ biological father could hassle you, think carefully about the possible consequences before you introduce your romantic partners to the kids. It’s not fair or realistic to expect kids to be selective or discreet about what they share with the other parent.
Decide whether to involve your kids — or not. A savvy rule of thumb is to keep your kid’s involvement with your dating partners a step behind the relationship.
Think ahead, if you plan to introduce this person to the kids, about how you’ll do it. Is this person a friend, “just a friend,” a “special friend,” a “friend from work” or something more? Your choice of words will determine whether or not your kids will expect to see this person again.
Remember: Kids do as we do — not as we say. When you include your kids in your dating life, you want to feel confident that your kids can handle the same standards of behavior that you model for them.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Consider whether you can trust your son or daughter to use contraception, practice safe sex and avoid situations that are risky or downright dangerous. And think about whether what your kids see you doing may unintentionally compromise the respect and authority you hold as a parent.
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Dating As a Single Parent: After the Kids Go to Bed originally appeared on usnews.com
